Scrapper

I want to hold her in my hands and look at her face.  My eyes scroll over the pictures that haven’t moved from the self-adhesive plastic covered pages for years. I am looking for her.  As I turn the page, I take her in and notice a tightening in my stomach. “She’s a pistol,” I…

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Fireproof

“When you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” Isaiah 43:2 In my yard growing up, we had a “jungle” in the back corner along the fence.  It was an area that the lawnmower couldn’t handle because the weeds and brush had already won over the grass. …

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A Fairytale In Ruins

“We tell ourselves lies to bear the truth.”  Dr. Dan Allender “Daughter of Eve from the far land of Spare Oom where eternal summer reigns around the bright city of War Drobe, how would it be if you came and had tea with me?” The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis  …

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“My Fourth Child”

I have three young children, but more often than not, I feel like the mother of four. There are many times I’ve wondered what God was thinking, orchestrating circumstances so that the most intensive period of my recovery overlapped with having two small children under the age of four, then adding pregnancy and a third…

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Advent’s War With Despair. Jesus Incarnate In The Hopelessness.

“Why do you say you have no one?” Stare. “What makes you feel no one understands?” Stare. “Can you make a box in your mind and fit the stories inside?” Stare. Blank. I stared. Thoughts echoed inside but I didn’t dare say them out-loud.

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Raging Orphan Need

There has been a lot published in recent years about attachment disorders and the effects of children who are not properly secured and cared for. We speak of orphaned children with kindness but as if they are far away. It is difficult to tolerate looking into their need filled eyes that have stopped reaching for…

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I Am My Own

“I am not chewed up, spat out bubblegum” I am not fine china chipped by his touch now sitting on the thrift store shelf. I am not a porcelain tea cup filled with saliva from mouths of boys for whom I willingly opened my legs. I am not plucked petals of a rose trampled by…

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The Hem

I glanced down at my arms; the three slashes seeped blood. The large amount of aspirin I consumed thinned and accelerated its departure. I wanted to escape and run. Another locked psychiatric ward would be my fate. Only my physical screams could be heard, but these lashes were the deep wails of my internal world.…

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Foodie

I am a foodie—and, I’m very ambivalent about that. I both love and excoriate myself for that. My food war is facilitated by my having dissociative identity disorder (DID). If you’re unfamiliar, DID is a survival mechanism of the mind in the face of great trauma. Imagine, if you will, the natural conflicting opinions of…

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Time Served

He died without ever paying his debt. Others in our family speak fondly of him even naming their children after him. I have a totally different memory of the man. I was always afraid of him. He was a big, gruff, crude, loud bully who shoved his weight around in every environment he was ever…

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