Keeping Watch

“I don’t want to die,” I say with a mix of terror and fortitude, my voice quivering as I look into my counselor’s kind eyes. I am processing a consultation with a urogynecologist over a proposed reconstructive surgery intended to repair my prolapsed bladder and remove my uterus, the space that has nourished and held…

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Shadows And Drumbeats

I slowly rise up from the bathroom floor while I grab a tissue to wipe my dripping nose. I shakily stand at the sink mesmerized by the water falling through my fingers. My cupped hands fill with water and I bring them up to my face longing to erase what just happened, just as the…

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You Are Not Alone

Everywhere I turn, there is nothing. Vast nothingness all around me. As far as my eye can see is emptiness. Dry, arid, dusty, flat and desolate nothingness. My heart is broken into a million pieces. Shattered into dust on the ground. It’s hard to distinguish between the dust of my broken heart and the dust…

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Banchan

In Korea I could disappear. Not like, “40 year old woman goes missing on vacation and is never seen again,” disappear. But rather, disappear so seamlessly into the masses that I’d never even feel lost. I could be among a dozen people and not even be noticed. Physically fitting in might have been the missing…

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The Battle For Joy

I just woke up early in my daughter’s home.  There are no sounds of our freshly born granddaughter, Parker, or her mother or father. I hope they are all sleeping.  Dan is deep in the twitching dreams of REM.  It is the quiet time of memory.  Parker is safe, sound, and already greatly loved.  Today…

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Building a New House

Sadly, the body of Christ has often failed to see trauma as a place of service…I think a look at suffering humanity would lead to the realization that trauma is perhaps the greatest mission field of the twenty-first century. (Diane Landberg, 2015, Suffering and the Heart of God, p. 8) Almost eleven years have passed…

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Downhill

She peers over the edge of her handlebars, wondering at the hill ahead. Can she go down it with eyes closed? Can she hold her breath long enough to make it to the bottom? Wind in her hair as she unstraps the helmet, dangling it below the bars, she grips the rubber under her little…

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Be Kind

I look at the clock hanging on the wall in the physical therapy center and see that only 45 minutes have passed. I am torn. I have another 15 minutes of exercises to complete, but I am ready to stop. My body is shaky and sweaty, and honesty, I feel nauseous. However, I have another…

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I Don’t Make New Year’s Resolutions

In the last decade I mostly can’t remember grace. I can’t remember breathe. I can’t remember love. It’s early in the new decade – the opening of day two to be exact. I find myself sitting in the car, watching my 12 year old daughter step onto the park fields to kick a soccer ball…

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