Reordering My Days

I learned early the best way to survive was to fly under my mother’s radar. Do what I was told, when I was told, exactly as I was told. Her way was/is the only right way. No exceptions. I was an “easy” child. I was a good student, earning good grades and comments from teachers.…

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Won’t You Be My Neighbor

Tonight I watched the PBS documentary,  Mr. Roger’s Won’t you be my neighbor? Seeing those familiar scenes brought up a swirl of feelings. I watched Mr. Rogers every day when I was a young girl growing up in Oregon. My world was in chaos, although no one at all knew.  In the conservative tradition of…

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Anywhere Can Be Holy

I sigh, and park my car between an instructional parking sign and the bumper of an Audi. Breathing the psalmist’s holy plea, “Lord, you have seen this; do not be silent. Do not be far from me, Lord.” I exhale. God returns silence and presses me into service with little to offer. My friend and…

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Dis-Order

Nearly seven years ago, I lay alone in a hospital bed, cuddling my newborn son on my chest. Although my husband and mother had been present for his birth, complications and illness prevented them from being at the hospital for the first full day of his life. Since we had moved only six months prior…

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Fraud

I think I’m a fraud. I did the correct things in the right order. I read the guidelines thrice. I edited my word count and submitted in the appropriate format. I slowly wound my way through the bureaucracy of writing, posting, submitting, designing. I built trust and loved on the few who were called to…

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Playing Small

My tenth and final year as a gymnast was during my senior year in high school. With only a small handful of meets left in my career, I was actively trying to make the most of my farewell season. Or, to be more precise, I thought I was trying to make the most of it.…

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Ordered Steps

A man’s steps are ordered by the Lord; how then can man understand his way? (Proverbs 20:24 RSV) We sleep in separate rooms. That has been our norm for over two years. It is preservation for us both. But I didn’t want to leave his side that Monday night. They worked him in at the…

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The Strange Side of Compassion

“So, how did it actually feel to have dinner with a serial killer?” my colleague at the law firm asked. Shuffling depositions between color tabbed manila folders, I quickly changed the topic to billable hours for a client. I’d avoided this topic for so many years. Even when an author asked permission to use the…

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Naming The Wild Things

Ask a mom of littles what her day looks like, and she will probably laugh in your face. The day, in large part, is what it is. However, since entering the parenting trenches three-and-a-half years ago, I have begun to take hold of the unexpected practice of peacemaking through planning. What used to read “prison”…

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Shower Revelations

My hands pressed against the shower tiles while sobs erupted violently from my core. This is not what this was supposed to look like. Giving birth to a baby and increasing our family to four should feel marvelous and wonderful. I shouldn’t be hiding in the shower, cringing from everyone’s touch. The irony of this…

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