Scrapper

I want to hold her in my hands and look at her face.  My eyes scroll over the pictures that haven’t moved from the self-adhesive plastic covered pages for years. I am looking for her.  As I turn the page, I take her in and notice a tightening in my stomach. “She’s a pistol,” I…

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Fight Like A Girl

My husband was diagnosed with acute kidney disease with renal failure in 2012.  At that time, he was driving a truck making 10-day trips from Texas to New Mexico and I often accompanied him. On April 1, 2012, I started my period. I had been dealing with “the change” for ten years, which included horrible,…

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The Evidence Is In

I am done proving me. My life is not one prolonged job interview, a permanent Olympic trial, an ongoing all-state music audition. I am not a college application for admissions officials to peruse, an employee scrutinized for business acumen or her annual performance review, an associate striving to make partner. I refuse to be

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Trees, Hope, Justice And Waiting For Sunday

I sometimes want to be a tree. I want to blow in the breeze, feel the rain on my branches, shelter birds and squirrels, and grow roots deep and wide so that I am strong and resilient to whatever might want to take me down. I want to bend and grow without to-do lists and…

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Fireproof

“When you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” Isaiah 43:2 In my yard growing up, we had a “jungle” in the back corner along the fence.  It was an area that the lawnmower couldn’t handle because the weeds and brush had already won over the grass. …

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Keeping Watch

“I don’t want to die,” I say with a mix of terror and fortitude, my voice quivering as I look into my counselor’s kind eyes. I am processing a consultation with a urogynecologist over a proposed reconstructive surgery intended to repair my prolapsed bladder and remove my uterus, the space that has nourished and held…

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Shadows And Drumbeats

I slowly rise up from the bathroom floor while I grab a tissue to wipe my dripping nose. I shakily stand at the sink mesmerized by the water falling through my fingers. My cupped hands fill with water and I bring them up to my face longing to erase what just happened, just as the…

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When Shattering Births Life

I have shared pieces of this story before. The version where I am not the central character. The parts where I have yet to name the ways it sent me spiraling. How it upended my purposed life. It is the story I keep returning to. The one that becomes more clear as time passes.

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Please God.

No baby has blessed my womb Disgrace my lot, disgrace my doom Never feeling the growing inside I said I was OK with it.  I lied. Never feeling touch, skin to skin No offspring from me, no next of kin Never seeing eyes open in wonder No baby, my heart asunder Never hearing cries in…

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Dreams Don’t Die with Motherhood

A little notebook sits on the back, left corner of a small, brown table in the tiny kitchen of my cottage on the Dutch Caribbean Island of Saba. No matter how many times I spray and wipe down the wooden surface, a thin film of “too many chaotic dinners” remains. I reach for this journal,…

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