Unwanted Rhythm

My exhausted, swollen-faced four-year-old son snuggles into my warm-on-the-outside, yet broken-on-the-inside, body. Our eager eyes wait for nurses, who scurry past our jail-like cell window until the hour mark has passed again without any communication. This brand of déjà vu is palpable. We’ve been through this before, so now the wait doesn’t seem to carry…

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Between Joy and Sadness

“Can I watch Joy’s movie, Mama?” “Joy’s movie?” “Yeah! The yellow lady with the blue hair!” Frantically searching my memory bank for the missing puzzle pieces, I stare confusedly into space until a bright light blinks into existence above my head. “Aha! Joy! You mean Inside Out.” My sweet boy, with swollen eyes and a…

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Flash of Color

My weary body quietly walks down the stairs after successfully getting two cranky toddlers into bed for their afternoon nap. I ache for sleep, but I also want to spend the next hour enjoying something that brings me joy. Not sure what to do, I mindlessly scroll through the options in our various streaming services…

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An Ode to Baking

My two boys are playing LEGOs upstairs with their dad as I take a deep breath and inhale the cool air and quietness that permeates the downstairs. A question dances in my mind while my fingers delicately graze the spines of an ever-growing collection of cookbooks. What will I make tonight? I finally select the…

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Enough

I am laying on the couch under the warmest blanket in our house waiting for our children to wake up. I open the thermos filled with hot coffee my husband left for me on the table. Tendrils of steam rise to greet my chilled face and I deeply inhale the scent of french vanilla. Just…

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My Monster

For many years, I believed the lie that the only way of coping with the parasitic fears and deep pain in my life was to bring injury to my body. I still remember the young teenage girl standing in front of a dressing room mirror, fighting back tears and thinking this was her only option.…

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The Storm Will Pass

My past birthdays have not always been the most memorable days for me to look back on with fondness. Each year creates space for my heart to sit in ambivalence. My deepest longings and timid expectations jumble into a complicated pinata-sized package waiting for my colorful bat of fears and insecurities to start swinging. I…

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Do Not Disturb: A Touched-Out Mom

Music was softly playing in the background and my three-year-old and infant were sweetly sleeping in unison while my husband and I were driving on our way to a fun family outing. Breathing in deeply, I quietly savored the calm that surrounded us in the car. My husband must have also been enjoying that moment…

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A 21st Century Stoning

My heart breaks into pieces as I listen to the words my sister-in-law has received since announcing her engagement to her girlfriend. Anger mixes with grief as tears line the rims of my reddened eyelids. Each of these messages blatantly tell her that what she is doing is wrong and that the people closest to…

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A Kaleidoscope Self

Standing in the living room of my parent’s house, my dad handed me his phone, showing me a picture he had taken while on vacation. The photo was of a bus billboard that read “The world needs you to be who you are.” “Isn’t that neat?!” he exclaimed with excitement. “You should write something about…

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