My heart breaks into pieces as I listen to the words my sister-in-law has received since announcing her engagement to her girlfriend. Anger mixes with grief as tears line the rims of my reddened eyelids. Each of these messages blatantly tell her that what she is doing is wrong and that the people closest to her will not support her. Each message ends the same way: “…but we just want you to know that we still love you.”
In an attempt to silence my judgement of their opinions, I unconsciously bite my tongue. The sharp, steady pressure of my teeth break flesh and release blood. A metallic taste floods my mouth, and a single phrase echoes again and again in my mind:
A drive-by stoning, all in the name of Jesus.
The subject of homosexuality is a hot button topic in conservative, heterosexual Christian circles. It appears to be a very clear cut issue for them. I have witnessed so many people staunchly fight for the biblical rightness of their side while they are completely blind to the damage and devastation it causes to beautiful hearts.
My best friend and sister-in-law has been a direct recipient of this misguided, condition-based love.
The moral conversations surrounding same-sex relationships are of little importance to me when I watch how easy it is to walk on the other side of the road and toss shiny, pious stones labeled with the words “sinner,” “lost,” and “unwelcome” at our gay brothers and sisters. My heart is equally grieved when those stone throwers feel justified in their actions and words, as long as it is accompanied with a welcoming invitation to conform back to an acceptable and heteronormative view.
If you are still walking with me on this journey, albeit rather guarded, I would love to genuinely extend the invitation to set aside defensiveness and reactionary statements. My only desire is to invite friends, family, and strangers to sit in the uncomfortableness of a table where we all belong and support each other. Remember who broke bread with sinners, thieves, and prostitutes and who welcomed all to His table without prerequisites or conditions. Remember that He loved every single one of us sinners and that there is not a hierarchy of sin that keeps some people an arm’s length away.
His love is warm, welcoming, all encompassing.
That is the agape love we Christians all strive to see in our lives, however, we tend to shower “unconditional” love on people who look like us and who think like we do. When we brush up against the uncomfortable, the unknown, we retreat back into the safety of condition-based love. The shiny enamel begins to crack and splinter, revealing a scared, yet demanding, underbelly. Fear, not love, overwhelms the mind. This is where I believe Jesus gloriously calls us to more.
Misguided, conditional love is based wholly in fear. Fear of not understanding others choices, fear of the uncomfortable, fear of looking like a sinner supporting another sinner, fear of not being a shining Christian example, fear of losing the idyllic life, fear of losing relationships. Fear reacts in a self-protective nature and demands distance. It matters little how much you scream, “I still love you!” Fear will always push away and retreats into self-righteous isolation.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. (1 John 4:18-19 NIV).
Love courageously pushes forward and asks, “I don’t understand this, but how can I love you well here?”
Love asks, “How can I stay an active participant in your life even if I don’t agree with you?”
Love riskily admits that the path is new, maybe a little terrifying, but moves with intentionality into a place of intimacy and closer relationship.
Love crosses the road to join precious hearts and enters a space of connectedness, not conformity.
Is it possible to set aside fear and know that although our biblical views differ, we can still break bread and hold hands with everyone, regardless of ethnic, religious, and sexual differences?
I want this love for my sister-in-law and her fiancé. I want those around her to embrace her for who she is, regardless of whether they understand it or not. In November, my husband and I will proudly stand up and celebrate their union as wife and wife. We will love them and proudly welcome them to our table with open arms because, to me, there is absolutely nothing more beautiful than two hearts choosing to love each other.
Mal Arnold is a passionate Latina wife and mother who is a chaser of dreams and believes in living life with abandon. She writes to pour some of herself out for any who care to experience her heart, but is also an avid reader, lover of old movies and going on journeys with family as well. She has seen heartache and trauma in her past and is learning to let her Maker heal her broken places.
Thank you for your commitment to love – without conditions and condemnation – and your courage to write this piece. I appreciate your important closing question which I read as an essential – setting aside our own fears and judgement.
Hey Mal, thank you for this article. I love particularly these lines: “Love asks, ‘How can I stay an active participant in your life even if I don’t agree with you?’”
‘Love riskily admits that the path is new, maybe a little terrifying, but moves with intentionality into a place of intimacy and closer relationship.”
“Love crosses the road to join precious hearts and enters a space of connectedness, not conformity.”
I feel like these words also offer wisdom to parents, wether or not your kids are LGBTQ+. Thank you for bravely offering this tender story. I can feel the love you have for your family.
Thank you for wording this so well.
I have seen several young adults driven from a church as they reached an age of sexual awareness and found that they were attracted to the same gender. It breaks my heart.
So beautiful…thank you for your kindness…for your language with reminding us that HIS perfect love casts out fear. I’ve walked a similar story…after many years of pain I came to the realization that love isn’t just a BIG deal…it is THE deal. Love is love.
Yes Mal! We experienced this in our family too. And I started out as one of the drive by stone throwers. It has been a painful process of realizing how very wrong I was. And guess what? There is room at the table for love and curiosity to sit with me as I re-enter
Thank you for your stunning piece, Mal. I too have been close to some dear friends that have been wounded by drive by stone throwing. The devastation is deep. My deepest prayer is that our churches and the stone throwers in them begin to have eyes to see that love is love is love. Congratulations to your beautiful sister in law and her future wife.
I don’t even have the mental wherewithal to formulate a coherent or worthy response to the perfectly articulated words you have penned, words that adequately express the intense wrestling that has existed in my soul on this issue for upwards of five years and hundreds of stories.
So I’ll muster what I can: AMEN. AMEN. AMEN. AMEN. AMEN. AMEN. This will have to suffice for now. Grateful for your writing, Mal.
Mal – I’ve read your piece three times (once aloud to my partner/fiancee) and have wept at your fierce advocacy voice. I’ve been on the receiving end from dear friends who, in their ignorance, do not enter the awkward place of love that you so beautifully describe. I’ve instead listened to them process their feelings of disbelief or feelings of betrayal. I get it. I hold it. And, I’m exhausted by it.
Your article not only was a soothing balm for my weary soul but you inspired me to write more. I’m grateful for dear, dear friends who advocate for us and love like Jesus. I’m grateful your best friend and sister-in-law has you in their life also.
With gratitude ~ Natalie
“Fear will always push away and retreats into self-righteous isolation. ” So true. I love the way you articulated what love actually does, not the empty “but we still love you” words. May you and your family find shalom in this space around your table.
I agree with you mostly. When you got to the part about celebrating their union and wanting this kind of love for your sister in law and her fiancee, now wife, I struggle. How can we celebrate so.ething that God hates? There are no degrees of sin for sure. I can love 2 people in a same sex union, but what does that look like? Food for thought…
Love is Kind. Love tells the truth. Love challenges us to do better, be better. Jesus loved the woman at the well. He also challenged her ” Go and sin no more”