Ragdoll Endurance

This past year has been one of the most challenging and painful years in my life. I felt like I was in a fierce storm being thrashed around like a little rag doll. For what seemed like eternity, all I could focus on was trying to survive one moment at a time. I felt deep betrayal, grief, fear,…

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Love the Process

The process of grief is anything but linear.  What would be nice is a clear cut path with a beginning and end, but that’s not the way grief works.  It feels more like a tidal wave that comes out of the blue and knocks the wind out of you, or a dull aching pain that…

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Last Words

“I’m going to get off the phone now.” “Mom, tell me you love me.” “I love you honey.” “OK mom, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” “OK, goodbye.”

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Look to the Heavens

A small stream of light struggles to break through a crack between the window blinds in the darkened room. The persistent beep from the nearby machine hums. It is annoying, as it reminds me I am in the ICU.

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Ecclesiastes

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.  —Ecclesiastes 3:1 The honeysuckles are lush along the roadside as I drive north from the house to the grocery store, the woods on either side reminding me of home—my old home.

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A Complicated Grief

It has been one year since I received the call, one year since the news dribbled out of the earpiece that I was sister to one less brother.

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Just the Beginning

“Bean, I’ve made it home!” I felt my dad’s spirit speaking to me through the pitch black night. As I stood alone with this new truth and my sister’s words “dad’s dead” summersaulting in my head, I turned my gaze up toward heaven.

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Out of the Ashes

“All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one’s heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.” Cormac McCarthy

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A First Christmas Together and Apart

As I decorated for Christmas this year, I cleaned and put up the lights, mason jars of holly and frosted tree branches thinking about the juxtaposition of all the places my heart could choose to land.

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