I am done proving me.
My life is not one prolonged job interview,
a permanent Olympic trial,
an ongoing all-state music audition.
I am not a college application for admissions officials to peruse,
an employee scrutinized for business acumen or her annual performance review,
an associate striving to make partner.
I refuse to be the object of a continual IRS audit,
a student-teacher with scripted lesson plans in front of wide-eyed second graders,
a patient with nondescript but very real symptoms laid out before specialist after specialist.
I am not working for a medal to hang around my neck,
a trophy to shine from a shelf,
or a paycheck to line my wallet or even pay my bills.
I know who I am.
Rather, I know who You have made me to be:
I am a Truth Teller, a Story Writer, an Encourager.
I am a Noticer of Things and People Others Miss.
I am a Reacher-Outer.
I am a Deep Connector.
I am One Who Leads Out in Vulnerability and Sometimes Leaves People a Bit Uncomfortable.
I am a Compassionate Witness.
I am a Faithful Friend.
I am a Devoted Wife.
I am an Intentional Mother.
I am a Meal-Maker and Sweets-Sharer.
I am a Snuggler Who Sometimes Drifts Off.
I am an Eye-and-Door-Closer When Her Girls’ Rooms Get Too Messy.
I am a Read-Alouder Who Uses Voices and Accents (however lame).
I am a Relational Navigator and (too frequently) a Referee for My Daughters.
I am a Model of Failure and Growth to Young Watching Eyes.
I am a Woman Who Spends Too Much Time In Her Head.
I am a #inappropriateuserofthehashtagbecauseitisfuntosociallyrebel
I am a Searcher for Light Amidst Darkness.
(Sometimes it takes a long time, but I always find it.)
I am an Owner of My Mistakes.
I am Trying to Do Less Owning of Others’ Mistakes.
I am a Validator of Others’ Needs and Feelings.
I am Learning How to Validate My Own Needs and Feelings. (#hardestworkever)
I am Grouchy and Immature in the Mornings Especially If My Children Squabble.
I am a Housekeeper Who Only Dusts if She Absolutely HAS TO.
I am Convinced I Could Never Give Up Sugar (because it is too delicious).
I am Abysmally Emotional When Tired So Consider Yourself Warned.
I am Absolutely Incapable of Consistently Being Punctual.
I am a Gentle and Insightful Teacher of Little Ones and Their Families.
I am Striving to be More Gentle and Insightful (and Less Panicky) Toward My Own Little Ones and Family.
I am Trying to See More Gray Because No One Has All the Answers Anyway and That is Real Life.
I am Highly-Sensitive and Easily-Overwhelmed and Have Always Felt Different from All The Others.
I am Feisty and Deep.
I am Trying to Let More Things Just Roll Off (though far too much still pools heavily around my heart).
I am an Excavator of What Was So That Dysfunctional Cycles Don’t Get Stuck on Repeat.
I am a Builder of New Things in My Marriage and Family and Life.
I am a Broken-But-Healing Vessel.
I am Finally Figuring Out Who I Am In My Fifth Decade of Life. #sortof
I am going back out into the working world after twelve years of full-time mothering,
and to do this,
I AM BRAVE.
(Ok … and nervous.)
Fine. VERY NERVOUS.
But I am One Who Has Learned That Just Because It’s Hard Doesn’t Mean It’s Wrong.
I know the One who has made me,
the One who has promised He already knows who I am.
He searches and knows me through and through,
my every movement and every thought and everything else about me.
He is before and behind me,
and His hand is upon me.
Whether I am high in the Heavens or down in the deepest depths,
He is there, always there,
guiding me, holding me, assuring me
that He doesn’t even need to dabble in darkness
because all is LIGHT to Him.
This is all the proof I need.
Lacey Wood is a wife and mother learning to extend compassion to her inner child in the same way she extends it to the children and adults in her life-space. Lacey has invested herself for the past 11 years mothering and homeschooling her two long-awaited daughters. She enjoys engaging with others in deep ways, savoring their unique stories and learning to love them, Jesus, and herself better for having done so. God currently has her doing the hard work of getting out of her own head and trusting Him to help her rebuild community in her new home state of Alabama, while allowing Him to “restore the years the locusts have eaten” in her 17-year marriage.
Lacey: I absolutely love your writing style and I SO feel your words. Especially this part: “I am an Excavator of What Was So That Dysfunctional Cycles Don’t Get Stuck on Repeat” (!!!) Thank you for sharing–my fifth decade is coming up FAST and I see you. 🙂 All I can say is YES. OH MY WORD YES.
Thank you for your affirmation, Shelley. Grateful you, too, are engaging in the worthwhile process that is EXCAVATION! Something about turning 40 stirred something within me that urged me to DIG FOR NEWNESS. Here’s a message of celebration for YOUR coming newness!!!!
Lacey – I hear a joyful sound of liberation as you speak aloud who you are. Thank you for sharing this. Beautifully written.
Liberation indeed!!!!! YES and AMEN!!!!
Love this. Transparent. Real. Messy. Authentic. Passionate. #trulywanttomakeadifferenceinthrworldevenifonlymylittlecorner
Aren’t we ALL more than a bit messy, Jill? Thank you for seeing and joining me in this place of #makingadifferenceintheworldbylivingourstorieshonestly
Lacey~ Life is a work in progress. WE are a work in progress. You have truly captured and expressed that in your beaut tried so. So well written and relatable. It’s long past due that you are able to do that. Fly, my sweet girl! Bare your heart ❤️ and soul…I am listening! Live you always…your Mama…
Lacey~ Life is a work in progress. WE are a work in progress. You have truly captured and expressed that in your beaut tried so. So well written and relatable. It’s long past due that you are able to do that. Fly, my sweet girl! Bare your heart ❤️ and soul…I am listening! Live you always…your Mama…
Should have proofread this message better! Darn spellcheck! Meant to say “you have captured and expressed that in your beautiful words.” And “Love you always.” Imperfection at its best!!
Thanks for listening during this prolonged process of WALKING IN NEWNESS AND LIGHT, Mom! Means so very much to me.
PS–Spellcheck…friend or foe? My jury is still out on this one…
Love your honesty!
Thank you! I’ve decided that the alternative does far more harm than good. Here’s to walking in LIGHT!
I loved loved loved this! A beautiful proclamation of who you are and what is even cooler is that you have come to know yourself so well and accept all of these parts of you… this takes time!!! I am also excavating and learning to celebrate the woman I find down there, where I buried her. Thanks for your beautiful writing and the work you are doing because it shines a light (which you had to look for!) for the rest of us. Don’t be nervous. Raising kids is far more difficult than being out in the workplace. Blessings!
Your encouragement means a tremendous amount to me, KJ! Peeling back the layers of the false story we didn’t even know was being written upon our hearts and minds is such grueling work, yet doing it reveals the TRUE STORY the Lord was writing in us all along. So grateful you, too, are learning to lean into the LIGHT of your true story, as well.
Trying to! Thanks and I was just thinking yesterday of doing an inventory of sorts like you did to see how well I have come to know and accept myself over the years. Your post truly impacted me! Thanks for being tranparent enough to inspire!
Two words: DO. IT. 🙂