Coming Home to Myself

Staying in line is important when you are little. If kids get out of line and go their own way, things could get dicey. As the youngest of eleven kids, I learned to follow early. For me, following was easy and natural. You don’t have to think too hard, and you stay out of trouble if you toe the line. I think following the older kids set me up to make some bad decisions later in life. I remember getting in trouble in middle school. I told my mom, “All the other kids were doing it.” She asked, “If all the other kids were jumping off a building, would you follow?” Actually, I probably would have!

Gabor Mate is a physician who specializes in trauma and addiction. He said every child needs autonomy and connection/attachment. Children will often choose attachment over autonomy. I learned very early to ignore my preferences and the ability to develop a separate sense of self in order to stay connected to the pack, and this has taken a long time to unlearn.

Giving myself permission to lead instead of follow has been liberating, and learning to say no has been critical to healing. I don’t like to disappoint others; I am fearful of losing connection. What I have discovered is that when I follow to maintain connection, I often lose connection with myself and to the still small voice inside that always knows the way.

My husband recently invited me to see a concert with him. When I listened to the music, it felt abrasive to my sensitive spirit. At that moment I had to choose autonomy or connection. I wanted to remain connected to my husband, but my gut said “no.” In the past I would have caved to peer pressure, not wanting to disappoint him or spend Saturday night alone. This time I stood firm as he worked hard to get me to go along. Every time I stay true to what my body is telling me, I am building trust within my internal system.

When a part of me says yes and another part of me says no, there is tension and confusion. Learning to be still and create space to listen to these polarized voices has been so helpful and healing. There is not one right and one wrong way to go, but both ways are often okay. Learning to discern what is best for me in the moment is the work that is required to stay in integrity. I can affirm all the parts that are warring within me until they can settle and I can begin to listen to the voice of love, which is always kind. It never accuses or hurls shame at me. It is curious and open to discussion instead of demanding control.

Learning to trust my good gut and not to betray myself has become my spiritual practice.

Even if I disappoint someone or stand alone, I will not betray myself.

In trauma we often disassociate, and our thinking mind becomes detached from the body. As a yoga teacher, I feel called to invite people to come home to themselves. Learning to drop into the body feels scary and impossible at times, but it is critical if we are to become integrated beings. Listening to the body is like learning a new language at first; with practice and consistency, it gets easier. When I feel conflicted about a decision or stuck in a place of pain, I place my hand on my heart and ask, “What do you want me to know?” My body speaks, and when I listen and respond with compassion and love, trust builds. Like any good relationship, my relationship with my body is one of two-way communication. I listen deeply and speak the truth with kindness and compassion.

I was coaching a therapist who worked with traumatized teens. She told me that she asked a 12-year-old boy if he knew what intuition was, and he said, “It’s the part of your body that knows the truth when the grown ups are lying.” The body knows the truth; it doesn’t lie. Our work is to listen to the truth it holds and to respond with love. “I will not betray you” is my promise to my body and to the wisdom and goodness it holds.

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Jean Masukevich is a trauma-sensitive yoga teacher and integrative coach with over 20 years of teaching experience. Her mission is to guide others to greater mind, body, spirit integration and connection to their authentic self. She cultivates communities of care where individuals and groups heal and share their hearts and stories through movement, writing, meditation, integrative prayer, creativity, and the sacred art of listening. Jean holds an advanced certificate in grief and trauma from the Allender Center of the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology and is a certified spiritual director through Sustainable Faith. Jean serves both children and adults and is available for in person and remote coaching. Contact her at Sowthatjean@gmail.com.