Six months before my sister lost her battle with cancer, she planned an amazing birthday party at the ocean. While there were many fabulous memories during that vacation, my favorite moment is one that I return to often in my imagination. Mary was floating belly up in a fluorescent pink donut tube and humming a peaceful tune with her head tipped back, eyes closed, completely absorbing and trusting the rhythmic flow of the ocean’s tide. I was floating beside her vertically in a lime green tube with my hands holding tightly to her tube and my feet propelling both of us closer to the horizon and away from the shore.
As I have revisited this memory, I have become curious about my posture, which involved control and clinging, and hers, which modeled surrender and ease. I can still hear her humming in my heart, and it ushers the peace of heaven in. Mary was close to the end, and she knew it. I didn’t want to lose her and tenaciously clung to the floatation device just as I clung to her earthly body.
Letting go is not easy; however, the path to freedom is through surrender.
As a yoga teacher, one of the principles that has helped me is called “right effort.” Life and yoga require an even balance of strength and surrender. Most people are good with the strength piece. We show up and hustle to be seen, known, and pursued. We strive for our worthiness and for a state of unattainable perfection that can leave us burnt out and broken down on the side of the road. One of the ways I practice taking the road less traveled that leads to peace is in my prayer posture of floating.
Lying on my mat with a block underneath my heart center and my head tipped back, just like Mary taught me, I practice floating. At first it feels scary, like I am all alone in the middle of the ocean, reaching for my big sister to cling onto, wanting desperately to see and control where I am going and propel the process along. This anxious energy that wants desperately to be in control of so many things comes to me in need of love and acceptance. Touching my heart steadies me, reminding the anxious part inside that I am safe now. Turning to my breath, I feel the spirit of life and its rhythmic flow bringing me back to the ocean. I remember that I am held and supported now. Oceans of love fill my heart, casting away the fear that causes me to tremble. I am safe here and now.
As my weary heart lifts toward heaven, I imagine the light of the sun filling it up to overflowing. Breathing into the open heart expands the light of eternity into every fiber of my being. I can feel God’s promise in my bones and in the air that is sustaining me. I cling to his words, “Eternity is hidden in the hearts of those who believe.” I believe with all that I am. I search and seek with all my heart, and I find it! It is here and now.
Deep breath in…receive the gift! Pause and rest in this luminous stillness. Abide in this perfect love. Breathe out to release the embodied pain, tension, grief, fear, anger, confusion. Breath by breath and bit by bit, I release.
Learning to surrender takes practice, but it is the only way to float. At the bottom of the exhale, there is a space. It is empty and feels dark. This pause at the bottom of the exhale is important. It is the place where we learn to abide in the emptiness, to wait in the dark, powerless places until the light and breath return. It feels like death, but really it is just the place where new life is waiting to be birthed in and through me…and you too!
Jean Masukevich is a trauma sensitive yoga teacher and integrative coach with over 20 years of teaching experience. Her mission is to guide others to greater mind, body, Spirit integration and connection to their authentic self. She cultivates communities of care where individuals and groups heal and share their hearts and stories through movement, writing, meditation, integrative prayer, creativity, and the sacred art of listening. Jean holds an advanced certificate in grief and trauma from the Allender Center of the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology, and is a certified Spiritual Director through Sustainable Faith. Jean serves both children and adults and is available for in person and remote coaching. Contact her at Sowthatjean@gmail.com.
Oh Jean, I read the words as I sat on my yoga mat after practicing. My eyes are full of tears and my heart full of sadness in this season. I have released my grandmother, am releasing my sister in law this weekend, and soon my mom will be gone. I still cling to her arm with my head on her shoulder every time I can so that I will remember. Thank you for this beautiful imagery of floating to help open my heart and let go of all that I cling to so tightly. Thank you for surrendering to the dark to being light to those who come behind you.
Precious Julie,
I see you there on your yoga mat navigating so much loss. You are wise to find a place of your own to allow God to hold you close as you let go of so much. I love that you are holding tightly to your mama while you can. You are a good daughter and a precious child of a good and faithful God!
Peace to you 😘
I am going to read this, read it again, and keep reading it…for it’s like receiving the “luminous gift” you write about every time I soak in your beautiful words. Ahhhhh…the freedom in releasing and floating. Jean, you are a luminous gift to our world.
Jen,
Thank you for your words of blessing to me this morning! I hope you carry that luminous gift in your heart and that you can float a little more today.
Love you friend 😘
I loved how your soothing words teach acceptance and release. Thank you.
Thank you Debra,
Acceptance is hard but it is the way…
Peace to you!
Jean, your writing is stunningly beautiful. I love this raw piece of such a tender moment with Mary. Thinking of you in this season. Thank you for bringing your gift to so many!
Natalie
Thank you Natalie 💗
Sweet Jean, you inspire me to let go of control and trust that goodness will fill that space. Thanks, friend.
Marcia,
Letting go is hard!
I hope and pray that as you do, breath by breath and bit by bit, you are filled to overflowing with goodness and healing grace 😘
Jean,
Thanks for sharing this beautiful memory! And a powerful piece of wisdom about balancing the control and surrender. It’s hard. You touched me deeply – again. I love you so much and am very grateful for your love in my life!
Beth