A friend gave me a Skylight photo frame that allows me to upload photos to the Cloud and then watch as the device takes me through the sequence I have uploaded. We have over forty photo albums, and each time I take out the aging pictures, I am thrown into a moment where I see myself as I once was in a world that has passed. It is haunting. It is holy. There are moments when I can’t help but smile and stare, and others when I can’t hold back the tears.
There are so many people we love that we have not seen in decades. There are people we loved that betrayed us and assuredly believe we betrayed them. It is impossible to look at these photos and not hear the voice of my inner-Satan faulting me for my failures and accusing me that I had a cold heart that lacked grace.
It may seem too intense to use the phrase “inner-Satan,” but the word Satan simply means “accuser.” I could live more easily if all I had to contend with was an internal critic because I am a nine on the enneagram and am quick to please and to “peace-make.” However, my inner critic is often cruel, mocking, and knows exactly the softest square inch to insert the blade.
When I feel the knife enter, it is impossible to know if that accusatory voice inside of me came from a mocking mother, an angry young Becky, or is an assault from the kingdom of darkness. In most occasions, I know many voices are in operation, and I am equipped to do battle.
We all have different parts within our personality. Brain science has helped us understand that it is a myth that we operate in the world as a single self. We know there is an autobiographical self that holds the key memories of what has formed our various senses of being a self. There is also an internal critic.
Our internal critic is often very helpful. It’s hardwired into our brains and works great when danger is nearby, utilizing our past failures to help us make better decisions. Our internal critic has much to teach us, and it is humbling to receive the input and learn from where we have previously failed.
It is when this voice becomes a bully and lords our failures over us with cruelty that we become depressed, anxious, or numb ourselves with addictions to soothe our body. What happens in our brains with a viciously loud internal critic is not good. Researcher Dr. Richard Davidson says that too many self-condemning voices can impact our bodies by increasing inflammatory mechanisms that lead to chronic illness and accelerated aging. Our inner-Satan can literally be the catalyst of a movement toward our death.
How do we quiet our inner-Satan? After many years of being unkind to myself by listening to a cruel and demanding inner voice, I found relief through two practices: engaging my story with others and yoga.
My body and my story are inseparably linked.
I need to dismantle the minefield my family of origin unintentionally created as I learn to grieve and celebrate who I became during a great deal of heartache. In the presence of facilitators at The Allender Center, I have learned a new level of kindness that has helped soften the cruel internal voices and has given me power to shut down the kingdom of darkness.
When other people speak with compassion into my story, it allows a re-wiring of the neural-pathways in my brain! Kindness is life changing. Kindness is healing. Kindness changes our brains.
One of the most powerful ways to strengthen our brain’s self-compassion is to be present in our bodies. Twenty-three years ago when we moved to the Northwest, I decided not to join the tennis club but to find a yoga studio instead.
Breathing and being present in my body has brought new life. “Ahimsa” is one of the most important teachings of yoga, and it simply means “to do no harm to oneself or to another person or living creature.” I began to realize that my judgment towards my body during practicing was in violation of ahimsa.
Instead of running from my cruel internal critic and trying to silence her, I started listening and responding to her with less anxiety and more peace. It is not enough merely to know the voice is not true. I have to engage the voice with my body’s kindness.
Resmaa Menaken writes, “The body, not the thinking brain, is where we experience most of our pain, pleasure and joy, and where we process most of what happens to us. It is also where we do most of our healing, including our emotional and psychological healing. And it is where we experience resilience and sense of love.”
The more I bless my critic and dismantle the power of my inner-Satan, the more my practice of redemption becomes ahimsa. Resilience and compassion grow in the soil of kindness.
Becky Allender lives on Bainbridge Island with her loving, wild husband of 42 years. A mother and grandmother, she is quite fond of sunshine, yoga, Hawaiian quilting and creating 17th Century reproduction samplers. A community of praying women, loving Jesus, and the art of gratitude fill her life with goodness. She wonders what she got herself into with Red Tent Living! bs
Thank you, Becky, for this beautiful (and important) reminder. I know it all to be true, but how easily and how often I “forget” to practice it. I am grateful for your words and your guidance. Peace to you.
Dear Jen,
Thank you for your kind, kind words. Forgetting is the human condition. I forget too.
Becky – this sure does resonate with me – the holy and the haunting. You so beautifully and vulnerably shake out how our inner critics can be both helpful and mocking. “My inner critic knows the softest square inch to insert the blade” caused my body to take a deep big breath. Such imagery. Thanks for your pioneering work and for tilling the hardened soil with your authenticity and life. . Happy New Year!
Megan, I see you pioneering the same work. Thank you for tilling the hardened soil along with me. May this New Year bring peace and joy and strong bones and extra rest.
“There are people we loved that betrayed us and assuredly believe we betrayed them.“ It is painful to live in this place of being misunderstood. My war is to remember the truth and to keep remembering (after hours of self-examination, repeated again and again) I acted in goodness. And then: to live with with faith, hope, and love.
Thank you for allowing your suffering to become beauty.
Thank you Sue. I had a very difficult time writing that and not allowing shame to keep it hidden. I am a sinner who clings to Jesus for forgiveness so often. Maranatha!
Becky,
This is so well written. Thank you for seeing clearly and taking the courage and effort to share your insights with us. I really appreciate your understanding that our inner critic has value, but needs to be managed,tempered. This line,
“It is when this voice becomes a bully and lords our failures over us with cruelty that we become depressed, anxious, or numb ourselves with addictions to soothe our body,”so powerfully expresses my ongoing struggle, and your strategy of kindness and engaging it opens doors for me. Thank you!
Thank you Ruth. Truly, how often our voice bullies us and how many human beings have died tormented by the taunting. Jesus has paid the ultimate price. We must become astute to the voices that reside inside of us because evil prowls like a lion wanting to kill and destroy. That’s for damn sure!
Dear Becky,
Once again, nicely done! That inner critic can be managed with kindness, you’re right. After all it is a part of us that has grown with us over the years. It really is amazing how words of life and love are able to rewire our brains. Though often only temporarily. I pray that God will use my words to do that for others now and then. Thank you so much for your beautifully written and encouraging words.
Such a great idea to have a Red Tent Living dinner. Have you tried to do a covid version via Zoom? What can we do? Thank you! Love, Laura
Laura, your kind words and your being of kindness has never been forgotten! How many years ago did you invite us over to your home? 1977? 1978? However long ago it was I remember it as a beautiful gift. You were and are a mentor to me. Love and hugs from my heart to yours.
Becky, I love that you do yoga and quilt. Two things I love as well. The inner critic….it is annoying and persistent at times. I like that you added this, ” Researcher Dr. Richard Davidson says that too many self-condemning voices can impact our bodies by increasing inflammatory mechanisms that lead to chronic illness and accelerated aging. Our inner-Satan can literally be the catalyst of a movement toward our death.”A reminder for me/us to do the hard work of working on our thought lives. Thank you for writing this – as always, so nicely done!
Thank you Barbara! May we realize when our inner critic is raging and may we help others when their inner critics are raging. We need one another. I am grateful for your writing and how you see me. I see you too!
Becky, this is beautiful. Your writing is always so vivid and rich. I have learned so much about kindness over the years from your voice in this world. This sentence caputres me, “Resilience and compassion grow in the soil of kindness.” May we continue to grow in both of these!
Rachel, so good to hear from you. I am so grateful that we met one another. I love reading your writing also. I picture you so beautifully counseling others and being the joy and “sun” of your family. You are a young one with so much wisdom. And yes!!! May we grow in resilience and compassion because of kindness.
Beautifully written Beck.
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Jane, you were my first writing tutor and I know you suffered! You are a huge reason that I have learned kindness. Your love changed me and rescued me often! May God allow us to keep traversing life together. I love you.
Yes!!! Yes!!! you have written my journey right here… My time at the allender center started a deep work into my story… just yesterday on a walk… God invited me to go deeper… to still name the ways my inner Satan whisper lies… I heard these lies being shouted at me for years… now it’s a whisper with shards that still cut… I am naming… embracing and have renewed hope that God’s kind whispers are bringing me deeper into freedom…
Ro, Hooray for naming, embracing and renewed hope that God’s kind whispers are bringing deeper and greater freedom! Hallelujah!
Love this, Becky💓
Elaine
Thank you Elaine. I love you and please give Uncle Cecil a big kiss for me!
This work of coming more deeply into the body feels both hard and holy. Thank you for sharing so personally.
You are welcome. Truly being embodied is not easy and I often float away without knowing it and get lost. I am learning to not condemn the wandering mind and reel myself back in with breathing. Sometimes I say, “Breathe” ten times before I actually do breath in and out! Which is disappointing at best. I know that you know this phrase: “Just come back to the breath.”