“Above all, trust in the slow work of God.” — Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
5:34 p.m. on Black Friday and everything was right on schedule. The tree was set up, lights lit, and boxes of ornaments ready for unpacking. Jim Carrey’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas played in the background, as was tradition, and Mom had just slid the tuna casserole into the oven.
Every matriarch carries with her at least one dish of the casserole variety, filled with ingredients that don’t sound like they complement each other and held together by mayonnaise. Now, if you are thinking that you have a casserole recipe, but it does not include mayonnaise, I’m here to tell you that is not a casserole. And Sugar, that is alright. Sometimes Jesus meets us later in our stories, and he is prepared to meet you, right here, right now. What you need to do is quickly get yourself into the arms of a Southern mother and receive the sacramental embrace of her table.
Go now. It is not a bother; it is the Lord’s good work being done on earth.
If you find yourself reaching out for a casserole from my mother’s table, I will insist she serve you tuna casserole—a holy blend of mayonnaise, sour cream, pasta shells, tuna fish, and potato-chip topping. We eat it every Friday after Thanksgiving from deep bowls with peas on the side. It’s basically how the Johnsons proclaim that the Christmas season has begun.
But not this year at 5:34 p.m. Not for me. This year, I couldn’t find Christmas inside myself. Everything around me seemed to radiate with the light I wanted to feel, but when I went to plug in my personal holiday strand and join in the twinkling, all 500 bulbs just stayed dark.
I had thought that when I told my parents that I wasn’t going to go to med school, I would feel a sense of closure; I would feel ready to pursue the degree in English literature that I had been dreaming about. In October, I had anxiously broken the news to them while sharing a pine nut pizza. Soon after, my mother had purchased me a charm necklace with an ornately fashioned key and a pendant that read “Take the Road Less Traveled.” It was an act of blessing; a sign of hope for a weary traveler.
I wore that necklace daily, like a Catholic with a favorite patron saint. The chain around my neck felt like assurance: I could walk this road, and I could dream new dreams. A turn in my path did not mean I had done something wrong or that I’d be trapped in depression and numbness forever.
But sadness and loss do not immediately disperse with the arrival of hope. The promise of new beginnings brings its own kind of grief. A version of myself died in October, and a month later I wasn’t quite sure how to walk into what came next with joy.
Death lingered. In two days, I would return to my college campus to take a couple of very difficult finals in biology and organic chemistry. I still wondered if this new dream of mine would fit like it should and would bring my heart alive again. Did I belong to this dream? Or was I fooling myself?
I could not yet imagine the life I wanted so deeply in my bones. And in the meantime, I could not access the joy of Christmas that typically came so easily. So, as the tuna casserole bubbled in the oven, I noticed my eyes starting to burn with tears and quietly set down the tangled light strand I was holding. I escaped to my parents’ nearby bedroom because crying during The Grinch and tuna casserole isn’t really a vibe.
Only a few minutes had passed before my mom found me. It didn’t take long to explain through my tears that it didn’t feel like Christmas this year.
“Some years, Christmas is like this,” Mom confessed as she pulled me close. “It’s part of the challenge adults have as they get further away from the magic children feel.”
Three weeks later when I returned home for Christmas break, Mom had another charm to add to the necklace: “Believe” it said, with a jolly Santa tucked in the corner. Mom hoped to bring a bit of magic I could carry with me that December, even if everything felt dark.
That year never really “felt” like Christmas. There were touches here and there, but not the overwhelming wash of light within me. Some years, Christmas is like that. Some years, we are caught in everything life isn’t.
Some years, Christmas morning arrives, and we are still waiting for Emmanuel.
This Christmas, that might be you.
And if it is, I’d like to serve you an unreasonably large bowl of tuna casserole, pull you into the very best hug my words can offer, and just confess, “Baby, some years, Christmas is like this.”
Often, God works slowly. Often, we forget that God was quiet for 400 years before sending Jesus. But that doesn’t mean we wait for the joy alone. We can hold belief for each other when it feels faint in our own hearts. Because that is Christmas too.
If you’d like my mom’s recipe for Tuna Casserole, leave a message in the comments, and I’ll be in touch. Till then, love to you, dear one.
Katy Johnson lives, dreams, writes, and edits in a messy, watercolored world. She’s a 31 year old, discovering her hope, her longings, and the wild spaces in her own heart. Her favorite creative project right now is called Will I Break?, and someday, that manuscript may see the light of day. For now, she shares her thoughts here.
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Katy, I loved reading this. Your truth and heart sound loudly in your written words as you share a part of your story. Thank you for entrusting it to us. This year is a year like that for me – I’m going through the motions but not feeling a lot of emotion behind the motions. Part of it may be that it has become difficult to keep routines when so many things are different this year with Covid. And part of it may be that my attention is elsewhere. And part of it may be that my heart and brain are tired and need rest. Less motions, and allow myself more emotions, perhaps? I’m not sure. I’d love your mama’s recipe. Thank you for sharing it with us!
Blessings to you sweet Katy. I hope this Christmas is one of your best so far.
Thank you, Barbara. My pleasure!
Here is my mom’s recipe. I have noted it for 1 package of velveta shells macaroni and cheese, which feeds two people. If you need it for more, simply multiply all of the ingredients!
*INGREDIENTS*
1 (12 oz) package Kraft Velveeta Shells and Cheese
1 (5 oz) can of tuna fish (packed in water, not oil)
1 large dollop mayonnaise
1 large dollop sour cream
Regular ridged potato chips (brand of your choice)
*STEPS*
1. Preheat Oven to 350 degrees
2. Prepare Kraft Velveeta Shells as directed
3. After you have mixed shells, drain your tuna fish and add to the pot. Mix together.
4. Add mayonnaise and sour cream. Mix and taste. Add more sour cream to taste.
5. Pour the casserole into a casserole dish.
6. Crunch your potato chips over the top until the casserole is fully covered.
7. Cook in the oven approximately 20 minutes. Until the edges are bubbly.
OPTION: Prepare peas while the casserole bakes to serve as a green side (or mix-in!). You may lightly salt if you wish.
May it bring you Christmas Joy! With love,
Katy
I love when you write for us Katy- yes, us. I know for myself writing is personal, it is usually for me and maybe a select few but somehow the messages you bring feel like they are genuinely written for us, for me. Thank you, I needed this reminder today. Although tuna casserole sounds less than likely to go into my oven, send the recipe please, because who knows… I may surprise myself.
Oh Diana, thank you so much! And no judgement whatsoever on whether or not you make the recipe. Happy to share it 😉
Here is my mom’s recipe. I have noted it for 1 package of velveeta shells and cheese, which feeds two people. If you need it for more, simply multiply all of the ingredients!
*INGREDIENTS*
1 (12 oz) package Kraft Velveeta Shells and Cheese
1 (5 oz) can of tuna fish (packed in water, not oil)
1 large dollop mayonnaise
1 large dollop sour cream
Regular ridged potato chips (brand of your choice)
*STEPS*
1. Preheat Oven to 350 degrees
2. Prepare Kraft Velveeta Shells as directed
3. After you have mixed shells, drain your tuna fish and add to the pot. Mix together.
4. Add mayonnaise and sour cream. Mix and taste. Add more sour cream to taste.
5. Pour the casserole into a casserole dish.
6. Crunch your potato chips over the top until the casserole is fully covered.
7. Cook in the oven approximately 20 minutes. Until the edges are bubbly.
OPTION: Prepare peas while the casserole bakes to serve as a green side (or mix-in!). You may lightly salt if you wish.
May it bring you Christmas Joy! With love,
Katy
Katy, this is spot on. I’m feeling glimmers of Christmas as I sit here with my small lit tree and a banner that proclaims “Peace” on my fireplace. My mom is no longer here to pull me close into a hug, but I felt it as I read your story. Yes, please. Tina’s casserole sounds perfect. Merry Christmas.
So glad Donna. Merry Christmas. Recipe below!
Thank you, Barbara. My pleasure!
Here is my mom’s recipe. I have noted it for 1 package of velveta shells macaroni and cheese, which feeds two people. If you need it for more, simply multiply all of the ingredients!
*INGREDIENTS*
1 (12 oz) package Kraft Velveeta Shells and Cheese
1 (5 oz) can of tuna fish (packed in water, not oil)
1 large dollop mayonnaise
1 large dollop sour cream
Regular ridged potato chips (brand of your choice)
*STEPS*
1. Preheat Oven to 350 degrees
2. Prepare Kraft Velveeta Shells as directed
3. After you have mixed shells, drain your tuna fish and add to the pot. Mix together.
4. Add mayonnaise and sour cream. Mix and taste. Add more sour cream to taste.
5. Pour the casserole into a casserole dish.
6. Crunch your potato chips over the top until the casserole is fully covered.
7. Cook in the oven approximately 20 minutes. Until the edges are bubbly.
OPTION: Prepare peas while the casserole bakes to serve as a green side (or mix-in!). You may lightly salt if you wish.
May it bring you Christmas Joy! With love,
Katy
Oh Katy! How soft and sad and bright and hopeful are your words for me today. This is such a different Christmas for us. We will all gather via Zoom instead of 9 people filling our home with laughter and stories and joy. Yes, some Christmases are like that! I love your family and these stories of faith, hope and love. A tuna casserole recipe sounds like a perfect addition to my collection. Thank you, Katy, for pulling us close into a comforting hug! Love you ❤️
Hello Christine. I so connect with the difference and gap between Zoom and face to face storytelling. Not the same at all. Sharing this recipe with all of my love to you and all those you hold dear!
I have noted it for 1 package of velveeta shells and cheese, which feeds two people. If you need it for more, simply multiply all of the ingredients!
*INGREDIENTS*
1 (12 oz) package Kraft Velveeta Shells and Cheese
1 (5 oz) can of tuna fish (packed in water, not oil)
1 large dollop mayonnaise
1 large dollop sour cream
Regular ridged potato chips (brand of your choice)
*STEPS*
1. Preheat Oven to 350 degrees
2. Prepare Kraft Velveeta Shells as directed
3. After you have mixed shells, drain your tuna fish and add to the pot. Mix together.
4. Add mayonnaise and sour cream. Mix and taste. Add more sour cream to taste.
5. Pour the casserole into a casserole dish.
6. Crunch your potato chips over the top until the casserole is fully covered.
7. Cook in the oven approximately 20 minutes. Until the edges are bubbly.
OPTION: Prepare peas while the casserole bakes to serve as a green side (or mix-in!). You may lightly salt if you wish.
May it bring you Christmas Joy! With love,
Katy
Dear Katy,
How blessed you are to have a Mom who knew when to give you a hug and pull you close. It seems so strange to me to realize for the first time that I’ve been the one to offer hugs and not my mom. I may not have done it as expertly as your Mom, but I’ve been aware of everyone’s need for it. How challenging it is for all of us to move through our changing lives without hugs, especially this year. Thank you for sharing the tradition that God has used to help you move forward. I’d love a copy of your Mom’s recipe. This year has brought some serious challenges and making the best of these uncertainties with delicious comfort food may be just what we need!
Thank you for sharing your heart so beautifully. Love, Laura
Yes Katie some years Christmas is like this …I have had too many and hearing this story makes me yearn for Mother memories like yours …you have a very special loving mother and God has blessed her with you…you have many of her life giving characteristics and many of your own…I would love her receipe…Merry Christmas to you all.
Thank you, Jan. My pleasure to share. Merry Christmas!!!
I have noted it for 1 package of velveeta shells and cheese, which feeds two people. If you need it for more, simply multiply all of the ingredients!
*INGREDIENTS*
1 (12 oz) package Kraft Velveeta Shells and Cheese
1 (5 oz) can of tuna fish (packed in water, not oil)
1 large dollop mayonnaise
1 large dollop sour cream
Regular ridged potato chips (brand of your choice)
*STEPS*
1. Preheat Oven to 350 degrees
2. Prepare Kraft Velveeta Shells as directed
3. After you have mixed shells, drain your tuna fish and add to the pot. Mix together.
4. Add mayonnaise and sour cream. Mix and taste. Add more sour cream to taste.
5. Pour the casserole into a casserole dish.
6. Crunch your potato chips over the top until the casserole is fully covered.
7. Cook in the oven approximately 20 minutes. Until the edges are bubbly.
OPTION: Prepare peas while the casserole bakes to serve as a green side (or mix-in!). You may lightly salt if you wish.
With love,
Katy
Thank you for your encouraging post! A blessing as my Christmas is so busy with all the responsibilities of 11 grandchildren and 6 children, a full time nursing job and a disabled brother. All I want is to have a deep meaningful encounter with Jesus. I would love your moms recipe!
Blessings to you,
Ann
Ann. So many responsibilities on your shoulders this year! I will be praying that you meet Jesus in a sweet moment–perhaps more quiet and ordinary than you ever imagined. Here is my mom’s recipe. Feel free to multiply it for as many people as you need!
*INGREDIENTS*
1 (12 oz) package Kraft Velveeta Shells and Cheese
1 (5 oz) can of tuna fish (packed in water, not oil)
1 large dollop mayonnaise
1 large dollop sour cream
Regular ridged potato chips (brand of your choice)
*STEPS*
1. Preheat Oven to 350 degrees
2. Prepare Kraft Velveeta Shells as directed
3. After you have mixed shells, drain your tuna fish and add to the pot. Mix together.
4. Add mayonnaise and sour cream. Mix and taste. Add more sour cream to taste.
5. Pour the casserole into a casserole dish.
6. Crunch your potato chips over the top until the casserole is fully covered.
7. Cook in the oven approximately 20 minutes. Until the edges are bubbly.
OPTION: Prepare peas while the casserole bakes to serve as a green side (or mix-in!). You may lightly salt if you wish.
May it bring you Christmas Joy! With love,
Katy
Katy,
Your writing draws me in and holds me there. I am SO glad you didn’t go to medical school. Seriously.
I, too, grew up with tuna casserole. It’s one of the things I miss about eating the way my body prefers. Without the velvet and mayo and Campbells soup and full on noodles, I think I would be left with the….tuna. Thank you for the reminder that some Christmases are like that. This is one of those.