I am familiar with goodbyes. I said goodbye to my innocence at 4-years-old. From ages 4 to 12, I buried my voice in an effort to extinguish the ongoing abuse and survive. By age 13 I had learned that my sadness engendered pity and my sexuality, attention. Male parents for whom I babysat groped for it, and male classmates took advantage of the perception I had of myself—that I was dangerous and unwanted for anything but exploitation. I had a target on my forehead that advertised I was public property.
Early adulthood did not dissuade me from this dark impression as I found myself on the opposite side of our pastor’s desk with a revolver pointed directly at me, his words firing at me with pointblank clarity: “No one ever crosses me and lives.” He was no different from any other abuser—except that he represented God. As a new believer, I experienced profound confusion by this reality. I said goodbye to any hope of redemption. He was 65. I was 27.
My husband is the first and most tender man I have ever known. His first kiss was filled with kindness, compassion, tenderness, and love—no roving hands or demands to which I had become accustomed. We married three months after our first date. Marrying Tom was like entering into rest for the first time since I was 4-years-old. I fought to feel worthy of this man’s love—then had to say goodbye to that tenderness for a time after the pastor demanded my flesh or the lives of my three small children.
But God had plans to prosper us and not to harm us; plans for hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). His word sustained us through misunderstanding, rejection, sorrow, desperation, and despair. Tom and I celebrated 52 years of marriage in April.
Our journey is replete with a variety of mountains, valleys, deserts, and provision for every need.
In December 2021, Tom was diagnosed with prostate cancer and underwent radiation therapy. In December 2022, he went in for a routine colonoscopy and was diagnosed with colon cancer. Later that day, after being sent for a CT scan to rule out any additional areas of concern, he was diagnosed with bladder cancer. A follow-up CT scan in June revealed spots on his right lung and more thickening in his colon. He has already had additional surgery to remove returning cancerous bladder tumors. Tom has chosen surveillance rather than chemotherapy.
As the reality of the most significant goodbye of my life looms large, I consider what is required. The sifting of my heart and soul in the depth of the valleys reveals significant gold:
- We clung to each other through the darkness of betrayal and defeat;
- We leaned on each other when the turbulence all but buried us alive;
- We learned to attach, attune, repair, and forgive;
- We learned the worth of the other and the blessing of facing hard things together;
- We are learning the beauty in the often ignored—glances, touches, smiles, tears;
- We are learning to practice love without contempt and to savor every moment we have;
- We are learning how to love—even after 52 years.
Decades after the pastor’s abuse, I conversed with a speaker who was visiting our congregation. I told him of the years of abuse I had endured; of the target on my forehead announcing, “Public Property—Abuse Me,” and how I struggled to free myself of this label. His fingertip touched my forehead, and he said, “I see the word Healer, not victim.” At that moment I felt cleansed of shame and bathed in the Spirit of God. I said goodbye to a label burned into the flesh of my heart with which heaven did not agree.*
What label are you wearing with which heaven does not agree? I invite you to hear your new name and step fully into your Kingdom calling. Say goodbye to the curse, the lie you are believing.
Goodbyes are not easy. Goodbyes born of evil will not win—not now, not ever. But whatever is born of love—of God—will endure in our hearts, minds, memories, actions. The next goodbye for Tom and me will not be longer than the eternity we will share. And on this side of that goodbye, we will walk together in truth and love, savoring every moment.
* The Singer by Calvin Miller
Christine Browning is a lover of story. She loves the warmth of sunlight on long morning walks, deep conversations, story work, reading, teaching, and kitties. Christine enjoys walking alongside others as they discover the beauty and heartache in their stories. She completed Narrative Focused Trauma Care Levels 1 and 2 and Externship at The Allender Center. She also teaches counseling at Milligan University in upper east Tennessee. Christine and her delightfully witty husband, Tom, have been married for 50+ years. They love gathering with family members, visits from their grands, and sunsets.
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Oh Christine, you are such a remarkable woman!! I hear both the strength and rest you have found in that word “healer”, as well as the ache as you and Tom prepare to say goodbye. Your words about still finding new ways to love after 52 years are a poignant reminder to me. Praying for continued strength and courage, and many savored moments.
Thank you, Janet! I cherish knowing you and your kind encouragement. Sending love.
My dear Christine, you are one courageous woman with a heart of gold. Your bond with Tom is so tender and one that will touch the lives of those closest to you. My heart goes out to you and Tom as you journey through one of the most difficult times of life…letting go of one so close to your heart. Your word are a soothing balm for my heart as life’s journey has me on a path similar, yet different, with John. I’ll remember your words during the transitions that stretch before me as each day carries a heaviness from the day before. You are an inspiring lady who I love from a distance and I will always remember your kindness and goodness toward me and your Tom. Stay strong, my friend, knowing you having a loving God who goes beside you and before you. I love you❤️
Dear MJ…I am praying for you as you walk with John through your own version of goodbyes. You have always been an inspiration to me and I am so thankful for your friendship and love.
Christine,
Thank you for sharing your journey with us; your courage ito be so transparent brings me hope. The way you defined and described the labels you have lived with are so familiar to me; learning new names will be a great comfort. The shock of discovery that (most, not all) men in the Body of Christ are just as predatory as worldly men was crushing for me. There was no safe place to turn to, other than Jesus himself. I have learned to stand my ground over the years. I will work on questioning the labels I have collected. Meanwhile, may grace and mercy abound to you and Tom. Thank you.
Dear Louise, thank you for your kind note of grace and encouragement. I am sorry you identify so well with my journey — and — I am excited that you will continue to work on the labels that stick to you but do not belong. Keep hoping, keep believing. There is redemption from heartache and brokenness!
Whew! Christine, I also see the word “Healer” upon your life. Thank you for your transparency and humility. The question “What label are you wearing with which heaven does not agree?” has been written down for me to ponder as these words are timely for me right now as well. Thank you for your writing and your tender heart. Christ’s mercy upon you and Tom.
Dear Natalie, I am thankful you see the word “Healer”. I have to often remind myself that our Redeemer is true and just. I will pray for you as you ponder that question about labels. We don’t need to bear the curses and the lies. Evil does not win. Not now — not ever!
Christine, this is so poignant, so real, so redemptive. What a beautiful tribute to your tenacity and grit, to God keeping the promise that what Evil meant for your destruction, God would transform it into good.
Dear Melody, Yes! God always keeps his promises! On that we can depend. Thank you for your kindness and encouragement.
Christine, I have sat in the Allender center with you I believe in the Externship and before and never known your story. I am a grateful to have seen this post and so heartbroken as well. Our stories have so many common themes, I speak grace over your journey as you enter the deep deep waters of this coming goodbye. My heart knows it all too well. Bless you dear woman and all that you’ve endured with such courage.
Dear Chris, thank you for speaking grace over my journey! I am heartbroken that the themes of my story are similar to yours — and — I am thankful for your healing journey at the Allender Center! There is so much goodness we can bring when we put our foot on the neck of evil. Evil does not win!
You must know that you are one of my favorite people ever, and your presence, kind words, smile, and authenticity have been very healing for me!!! I love that you and Tom will always be near one another in the best moments to give a resting place for memories and honor of what God has joined together! I will always hold a smile for the healer you are…
Oh Russ — You are ever in my heart as one of my guides on this healing journey. Thank you for the salve of your words. And thank you for the smile you hold for my healer. Sending hugs.
Christine, I feel in my body the love, tenderness, and grief of your story as you walk out this final chapter together with Tom. Thank you for modeling fierce integrity and for sharing so vulnerably what it looks like to enter this goodbye. 💜
Julie, thank you for sharing the depth of your feelings for this journey Tom and I walk today. It is such a gift to love him.
First, I am so sorry for this hard journey you and your husband are walking !!! So much redemption in this story… beauty unfolding … my husband also brought so much healing and loved me with a love ,that at first, was hard to trust! And Milligan.. my father in law graduated from there… my nephew played basketball there… I lived part of my life in Kingsport… and I think East Tennessee is one of God’s special handiwork🙌🏻
Dear Ro, I love that you are familiar of the space we live in — and the beauty of Milligan! God has been so good to us in relocating us here. I hear the familiar terror of trusting. Aren’t we thankful for good men and the steadiness of the love they offer? Thank you for your kind words.