I looked down after sitting attached to the human milking machine (if you know, you know) for 35 minutes only to see 1 ounce total compiled by my milk machines. After so much of my time and life connected to that damn pump, I was so over it.
This moment came after weeks of feeling completely depleted, barely having enough energy to make it to 3 p.m. I kept thinking, “‘Have kids,’ they said! ‘It’ll be worth it,’ they said!”
Is this what was supposedly so glamorous about becoming a mom? Honestly, I’ve asked myself that so many times. Cracked nipples, connected to a pump every three hours, always wondering if I’m hydrated enough or if I ate enough or need to stop drinking just to be able to feed my kid.
I always thought being a co-creator with Christ would be more…um…enriching?
After all, when we read Scripture we don’t hear the stories of Mary, the mother of Jesus, anguishing over the fact that Jesus wouldn’t latch or that Joseph slept through a night feeding again. We don’t hear about her growing resentment about her new “mom bod” and how trying to work out again felt like a slow and horrible death. We only talk about the awe of the holy night and the wonder at her obedience and submission to the will of God.
But, I see you, Mary.
I have to trust that it’s between the lines of those stories where I can find a shared experience with the mother of God. I have to trust that there is more I’m maybe missing in my own life about this whole motherhood thing, as I sit and try to find words to match the rhythm of my milk machine, something I try to do to make the time go by.
Suddenly, the words come to me.
It doesn’t take away the tiredness or answer all my questions about the journey of motherhood so far. But for the moment, I can hear the voice of God in my milking machine. And that’s enough. For now.
Haley Wiggers is passionate about discovering how the messy, painful, and unexpected gifts that come with being human connect and relate to and offer understanding of how God relates to and cares for us. She’s been married to her husband Tyson for 4.5 years, and together they just welcomed their first little into the world. His name is Theo, and he is the cutest. United by undeserved grace, they’ve created a life centered around table fellowship with others and long walks with their puppy.