At a very young age I learned that anger was bad and led to destruction and disconnection. When my dad’s anger turned toward me, I froze and drifted away to a place far away from that terrifying reality and that terror got stuck inside me. I remember coming home from teaching after having my second son. I snapped at my oldest four-year-old son in a frazzled moment. He looked me in the eyes and said, “Mama, you need to talk to me like when you first walked in the door.” He was right. I hugged his tiny little body and said, “You are right, and I am so sorry for being short and snappy with you.” I never wanted to be like my dad and lash out at my kids in anger, but when pressed beyond my capacity, I did. I said things I didn’t mean in a tone that caused harm.
When a rupture happens, the repair only works when we change our behavior. If I said sorry and kept doing the same thing, my son wouldn’t believe that I was sorry so I had to do better, but how?
Learning to own my anger and not dump it on others is a process.
I made a vow as a young person not to be angry, but that’s impossible. Richard Rohr said, “If we do not transform our pain, we will always transmit it. Someone else always suffers because we don’t know how to suffer our own wounds.” Through the process of engaging my story, I have learned to show compassion to myself and sit in the pain of the wounds that kept me suppressing and then dumping my anger in inappropriate spaces.
Anger is not good or bad; it is simply a neutral emotion. It is a signal in my body that a boundary has been crossed. Learning to contain and express my anger in appropriate ways is an ongoing practice. Sometimes I feel so angry that I want to scream or throw something and that feels scary. It’s important to sit with the younger parts of me that were annihilated by my dad’s unprocessed and transmitted anger. When I tend to the embodied terror, I then have a capacity to explore the anger from a place of courage and vulnerability.
I have spent years judging and trying to shut my husband’s anger down, and it doesn’t work. Learning to stand in my power and be a compassionate witness who is strong enough to contain another person’s anger is the direct result of learning to contain and be compassionate with my own. When I feel angry, it is because of an injustice. Sometimes there is a person who has done something that I judge as bad or wrong and I want to stand up and say no! Other times it is the work of evil, like cancer or mental illness or substance abuse.
When we were navigating a crisis in my home, I wanted to scream but I didn’t want to hurt the people I loved with my anger, so I learned to go outside and direct that anger to God who is big enough and strong enough to contain my righteous anger. After screaming or running or smashing boxes with my Wiffle Ball bat, there is a calm. In that place of calm, I find language to express my anger in a way that brings healing and deeper connection.
In the fiery anger I lose language, so I need to do something physical to release and then I need to communicate my truth in a way that doesn’t cause harm. I learned to use this prompt when I was teaching kids with behavior disorders, “I feel ___ when you ____. I need ____.” These words are like handlebars that I hold onto to begin to find the words to express the particularity of what has happened to make me feel angry. It’s okay to have anger. It’s okay to express that anger. It is not okay to burn the house down with my anger either internally by suppressing it or externally by projecting it.
It brings me comfort to know that even Jesus got angry. I heard a sermon about Jesus flipping over tables in the temple. I learned that between the trigger or stimulus of seeing people misuse the sacred house of God and his response of turning tables over and commanding the people to get out, he took a time out. The pastor said he withdrew and prayed and made a whip with his hands before engaging with the injustice that made him angry.
Learning to pause between getting triggered into anger and expressing that anger is the critical move that keeps relationships intact. I went for a run when I was feeling angry, and at the top of the hill overlooking the river, I did a yoga practice for releasing anger called the woodchopper. I screamed at the top of my lungs to release the fire in my belly, and then I sat down and wept. I felt held and supported by the earth beneath me. I then started to write in my journal and dump the oceans of stuffed anger that got activated, which then brought me to a place where I could express my anger in a healthy way. I want to own my power and stand up to communicate my anger with great courage and love.
Jean Masukevich is a trauma-sensitive yoga teacher and integrative coach with over 20 years of teaching experience. Her mission is to guide others to greater mind, body, spirit integration and connection to their authentic self. She cultivates communities of care where individuals and groups heal and share their hearts and stories through movement, writing, meditation, integrative prayer, creativity, and the sacred art of listening. Jean holds an advanced certificate in grief and trauma from the Allender Center of the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology and is a certified spiritual director through Sustainable Faith. Jean serves both children and adults and is available for in person and remote coaching. Contact her at Sowthatjean@gmail.com.
I love the practical and precise exercises that Jean provides to tackle anger. Without realizing it, I have let my own anger take over my brain. This article brought it to light. I will try some of these methods to help with my anger.
Thank you for your kind words, Donna 💗
Thank you for sharing. Responding to the anger of others is challenging for me. In the past 2 days I’ve been dealing with my response to 2 different important people in my family who have freely expressed their anger at me. The damage feels crushing. Your suggested responses are very helpful. I feel… when you…., I need……I’ll need practice to get it right 😎I think but just giving myself permission to speak out my own anger instead of internalizing is a good start. Your other physical suggestions are also helpful. Thank you! I too had an angry Dad… sorry it’s no fun. Laughter is a sweet blessing. I wish I had a quicker mind and a better sense of humor like some do! Also a thicker skin, maybe. I do however know God loves me and you too! Keep up the good work! ♥️