Yep, here I am. Rockin’ my routine within the cozy confines of my comfort zone. I am not adventurous. I have a deep appreciation for structure and the beauty of things remaining the same. Uniformity. Straight Lines. Symmetry. I’ve got everything lined up in perfect rows just like I like it. When everything is as it should be, I can breathe and function almost like a normal person. Almost.
I’ll admit, though, that what’s happening right now is different than I had planned. But I just need to tough it out and work through it. Although…yeah, there are these bothersome doubts that keep trying to crash through my answer to take care of what is going on. Go away. I got this.
Hello…Bothersome Doubts here. Please listen to us! What if this isn’t a virus? What if something is really wrong? What if this pain is, in fact, as bad as it feels instead of not so bad for someone who is not so wimpy? What if, by waiting, you are compromising your health?
These doubtful thoughts kept trying to intrude in the fall of 2019, but I stood firm on my perch atop the empty air and refused to give in. The doubts kept interrupting my monologue with myself. They whispered. Then they talked. And then they shouted extreme and frightful ideas, like this:
What if “You. Are. Here.” is a lie, and reality is way over HERE?
Then, in October I had emergency surgery. Me, who has never had major surgery before. And I learned much from this unplanned, unwelcome medical adventure.
I learned who I really was when all my hard-won schemes were stripped away and my fortress walls fell and landed in disheveled heaps of rubble. I stood looking through the haze at the previously hidden horizon. Blink, blink. It was shocking and overwhelming.
I learned about being HERE. HERE is new and different and foreign. It’s full of wide-open spaces, when I love small and cozy and safe. But during this journey I learned from the harsh reality that had invaded my mundane daily life.
HERE is where I fully experience the futility of elaborate measures taken to control my minute corner of the world.
I learned that I have trust issues. Big ones.
Issues with trusting myself. I see so clearly now that I did not trust my reaction to extreme pain enough to call for help. There was a level of terror there, but I just kept talking it down in my head so that I was able to keep the lies on replay that said I could do this on my own and everything would be fine.
Issues with trusting God. For so long, I lived afraid of being afraid. Afraid of being all in for anything. Afraid and trying my best to fix my life so that all I experienced was level and smooth with no sharp turns or jagged edges or messiness. But on this path I did not choose, I learned that messiness is where God will remind me who I am in Him and who He is. And though we all have those times when life does not make any sense at all, I learned that I can rest in the assurance that He has a plan and a purpose for everything, including the tough times.
Looking back on those hours that I kept refusing to call 911, I feel such awe and appreciation for God’s grace. I’m so grateful that He chose to send me a lightning bolt. BAM! It jolted everything in my world. In the stillness came a moment of clarity that brought my speeding monologue of lies to a violent and full stop. A moment when I saw reality illuminated in a way that I could no longer deny so that I finally called for help.
It’s sobering to realize what could have happened. I was in a serious situation that could have become a critical situation. I was alone, if you don’t count my beloved cat who did nothing but stare at me. I don’t blame him. I was acting like a crazy woman, writhing in pain.
I came away from this experience with a new appreciation for life. It is profoundly beautiful and so sweet to know what a gift it is to be alive, breathing and healthy.
I am making myself at home in my new surroundings. I have realized that HERE is where I belong. He has given me beautiful new designs to replace my perfectly aligned rows, and I’m watching in wonder as His tapestry unfolds.
Lauri Smith is a serious-minded deep thinker who instinctively longs to run from adventure. She is a grateful recipient of the love of Jesus, who continually leads her on adventures of the soul. She digs deep to gain knowledge and understanding of the incomprehensible grace and God-ness of God. Her passion for writing is inborn, and she is honored to encourage others with it.