There is the question
of bearing witness, of being yourself seen
by yourself, & seen clearly, cleanly,
without weapon or bible in hand;
as this was the wish,
the sturdy & not-so-secret wish
of those who named us—
–David Rivard
This past summer, I found myself in a church meeting surrounded by eight other congregants, the head pastors, their wives, and a church elder. We had asked for a meeting to discuss a recent high-profile court case in our community, in which a prominent youth leader at a sister church was being tried for a felony sexual crime against one of the girls who was under his leadership.
Though the crime occurred fifteen years prior, the trial was sending stormy waves throughout the entire church community. The perpetrator had been involved in a few churches over many years, as well as Young Life. The impact of his actions could not be neatly contained. The judge sentenced the offender to thirty-five years in prison, with a minimum of ten served, which validated the severity of a situation that the church had dealt with quietly and internally. At the final sentencing, the judge stated, “Looking at the way the community responded, I cannot help but wonder: does anyone care about sexual assault?” His words are still ringing in my ears.
At the onset of 2017, I did not expect to attend this trial, and I did not anticipate doing rigorous reading about the role of women in the church. A friend of mine nudged me to take a deeper look at these issues, and as I did, the veil came off. As I studied and prayed, the interpretation of scripture handed to me by male church leaders during my formative years was crumbling. Things I’d accepted at face value were no longer holding up. I’ve found myself wondering, at what point is the Bible consciously or unconsciously used to isolate and oppress human beings? At what point do the models and principles taught in church run in opposition to Jesus himself?
As I sat before my church leaders during our meeting this summer, I pleaded that they consider the far-reaching devastation of sexual abuse within the church. I asked them to ponder how an environment of all-male elders and pastors impacts women in their congregation. I was weeping and wondering how the hell I’d gotten involved in this. But I knew the answer. I knew the hearts of my female friends who’ve experienced abuse and sexism in the church, many of their stories still unspoken. I felt that female pastoral leadership could offer healing and respite for all women, particularly victims, who don’t feel safe bringing their story to a male leader. I could not keep silent.
I’m a person who cares deeply about the stories of others, especially those who don’t have a platform to speak, those who have been oppressed or marginalized in some way.
I care about the stories that don’t belong, the stories that no one wants to listen to. I love intimacy, simplicity, silence, and creating spaces where all people feel welcome at the table. I just don’t know if my church is a place where these values ultimately have significance.
I find myself in a weird season, going through some sort of a spiritual identity crises, a sense of spiritual homelessness. I currently have more questions than I do answers. The church has never been without its broken beauty, but what happens when the walls of the church feel more strangling than they do safe?
What happens when the more we feel we belong to Jesus, the less we feel we belong in the institutional church?
I find myself standing in the wilderness right now, seeking some solitude. It’s barebones out here–not many places to hide, not a lot of shade. I’m staring my own compulsions in the face. But it turns out that Jesus dwells in the wilderness as well, and it’s somehow easier for me to get to know him in all this spaciousness. I can see myself more cleanly and clearly in his presence. There are poets and prophets and artists out here too, a lot of mentally-compromised folk like myself, rebels who wander around in the margins. We are as prickly as the desert plants, always thirsty, getting dusty as our roots dig deeply for water that satisfies.
I’m in weird company, but I feel like I belong.
Libby Kurz holds a BS in Nursing and an MFA in Creative Writing. Her work has been published in The Poet’s Billow, Relief Journal, Driftwood Press, and Literary Mama. A veteran of the US Air Force Nurse Corps, she now resides on the coast of Virginia with her family. When she’s not reading, writing, and keeping tabs on her three kids, she works as registered nurse and teaches poetry workshops. She is passionate about a good cup of coffee, bumming on the beach, and finding meaning in the ordinary moments of life. You can find her at www.libbykurz.com.
“There are poets and prophets and artists out here, too a lot of mentally-compromised folks like myself; rebels who wander around in the margins. We are as prickly as the desert plants, always thirsty, getting dusty as our roots dig deeply for water that satisfies.” Yes. This is where I am also at home. This is where I feel included, where I belong. Heart-stirring words, Libby. Thank you for this oasis in my world today. It is most timely. Christine
Thank you for your words, Christine! I’m grateful to know I’m not alone out here. Thank you. xo
(Deep sigh) Libby, it feels like you’ve penned the confession I’ve been unable to put words to: “I just don’t know if my church is a place where these values ultimately have significance….I currently have more questions than I do answers. The church has never been without its broken beauty, but what happens when the walls of the church feel more strangling than they do safe?” Thank you for writing this…it brings to mind the quote “we read to know that we aren’t alone.” I love your courage in digging in, showing up, and speaking up. Wow. I’d love to know some of the reading you did on your personal journey to excavate truth if you’d share a few titles. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your words, Susan. I’m grateful to know I’m not alone in my wilderness wandering. As far as readings that have guided me…I’ve been reading the gospels…struck by how Jesus engages with women (the first liberator of women!) and the religious leaders of the time. Also, I’ve been reading a lot of the OT prophets. I’ve read multiple books by Dallas Willard and Henri Nouwen, which have been so powerful. Henri Nouwen’s book “The Way of the Heart” has been very impactful. Of course, “Jesus Feminist” by Sarah Bessey, and also a book called “How I Changed My Mind about Women in Leadership,” the introduction written by Dallas Willard and includes essays by Bill Hybels and Alan Johnson and many more. It’s really encouraged me to start knowing and learning scripture for myself and in its context and original language. I’m definitely in a season of deconstruction and rebuilding. Thanks for your camaraderie in the journey!
Oh, also, the book “Spent Matches” by Roy Moran has been incredibly impactful!
At the final sentencing, the judge stated, “Looking at the way the community responded, I cannot help but wonder: does anyone care about sexual assault?” His words are still ringing in my ears.
The church….where the truth is supposed to set us free, sometimes hides the truth so that it doesn’t mar its reputation. Libby thank you for writing this – you DO belong. I always look forward to your writings. So truthfully written from. your heart.
Thank you so much for your encouragement, Barbara. It means a lot. Thank you for reading and responding.
Dear Libby, wow and thank you. I love that you went to this important meeting. It sounds intense and horrifying and seems to have catapulted you into deep, questioning places…a vast wilderness. I confess that I am part of that weird company. I have to be careful around the women who are Masters of Divinity at The Seattle School of Theology and Psychology because I can easily become indignant and angry with how our gender has been treated. And even now I feel my heart beat hard and my teeth clench. So, unlike you, I allow little time to hang out in the unpredictable desert where I might wander off to unsafe places. I respect you, Libby, because we need, the church needs, more rebels like you because change is needed. I love your prophetic poetic voice and I like your weird company.
Thank you, Becky, for your words and encouragement. You have such a unique and broad perspective on this topic, I imagine, and I would love to hear more about what you’ve noticed and witnessed. My own female friends who are M.Div students/graduates have really challenged me and grown me in important ways. You are welcome in the unpredictable desert any time 🙂
Also, congrats on your new book release! I can’t wait to read it. I love the title…”Hidden in Plain Sight” has been a big theme for me this year…reading Dallas Willard’s “The Divine Conspiracy” and also in my own creative work…poets are obsessed with finding God in the hidden places and the ordinary things right in front of us! The world right in front of us is speaking back to us all the time! Truly, I keep learning that everything I need is already right in front of me. Thank you, Becky, for your voice and words. xo
Thank you for penning these words…words I feel and have had a hard time expressing. I too am in the wilderness asking the tough questions and how to confront them, where to go. Thank you for sharing from your heart. Joan
Thank you for the solidarity, Joan! Brave On, sister. xo
What happens when the more we feel we belong to Jesus, the less we feel we belong in the institutional church?
Yes!!! As an abused pastor’s kid I wonder now where were the voices of those around me in the church. The very structures held the code of silence. I am angry and sad as I hear the responses to the latest allegations by yet another public figure who names the name of Christ. More nauseating is the response of Christians trying to quiet it all down.
Your words are so powerful, Joanna. Thank you for sharing. “The structures held the code of slience.” Yes. It is so true and so bothersome. Thank you for reading and responding. xo
https://youtu.be/PvVqoNX_p0M The Complementary Roles of Men and Women
As I sit and pray about responding, my heart is unsettled. So much to unpack from your blog. You are a brave woman seeking to understand and put actions to the circumstances in front of you, not unlike me. As I have seen a trend in recent writings of my friends and friends of friends, I am coming to a place of wanting to respond. Matt Chandler, pastor of The Village Church in Fort Worth, teaches from the Word of God on this subject that is dividing the believing church. It is well done and worth considering. We are daughters of The King. We are wives, lovers of God, followers of Christ, seekers of wisdom from God. Libby, your heart is for girls and women of abuse. It is a horrible trauma to be abused, male or female, and to find a safe place to land should land first in our homes. The moms and dads of these precious ones, then the church should also be a safe place, and is often not. However, in looking for answers, should we re-interpret God’s Word? That is what the enemy of God, and the enemy of our very being, did in the Garden of Eden, asking Eve, “Did God say?”. Let us be very careful as we navigate new paths. I believe God has a clear plan about the ways things work, He is a God of order. As a woman, I am in a privileged position, a position to glorify God by submitting first to His authority and secondly to my husband, who God has placed in my life. When we live out our roles, God is glorified. I believe it is not my role or any woman to try and fill a role that belongs to His sons, men created to fulfill their roles.I’ll be the first to say we have all failed at times to fulfill our given roles and responsibilities, but let us not give up but instead seek ways to try and try again with the help of our Creator. Our opinions differ, I believe our prayers would be similar in that we both want to see God glorified and that His truth be lived out in our daily walk. Thank you for your post. Blessings to you.
Dear Jaimi–Thank you for taking the time to read and respond! I value your input. These are all issues I have certainly grappled with so much during this past year. We all have so much to learn from one another based on our own stories and experiences! And as you said, no matter where we land, our hearts both want to see God and his kingdom glorified. Amen, sister.
Funny you bring up Matt Chandler, because I just heard him speak live at a big Crises Pregnancy Center fundraiser here in Virginia Beach. I’ll check out the link you sent. Thanks for weighing in!
Girl. Thank you for bringing the Word from the margins. So often, that is where God chooses to meet us. I believe Scripture shows artists and prophets receiving a call from God to call people to God over and over again. We read the work is never easy and always induces censures and critique. But your boldness and truth telling draw us all closer to the heart of God, and I am so grateful.
Thank you for your affirmation, Katy! Yes, God is deepening me and growing me out here in the margins…and I’m realizing it’s okay. Thank you for seeing me and encouraging me out here. Love you, sister. xo
Thank you for your courage and wisdom in stepping into these conversations. I particularly appreciate your willingness to study and pray for new insight on scripture which may challenge “the interpretation of scripture handed to me by male church leaders during my formative years”
I grew up attending a more legalistic doctrinal church – Grace Bible Church (a lot of “bible” but not a lot of grace). I am on a journey of discovering who God is as revealed in Christ. Sometimes my discoveries do conflict with the “doctrine” I was taught and often provoke more questions than concrete answers. Susan mentioned above, I am interested in your readings so I can continue to discover more of God’s heart on these topics.
Thanks again!
Thank you so much for your comment! Yes, I have often grappled with the words “Grace Bible” put together. Unfortunately, it can feel like an oxymoron. In high school I attended a pretty rigid reformed Presbyterian church…very traditional…lots of doctrine and theology. I became really good at “living right” but I don’t know how intimately I really knew Jesus.
My studies as an artist and poet have surprisingly overlapped quite a bit with my faith journey, and I’ve been drawn more and more to the poetry in the Bible and the parables of Jesus, the language of which runs so counter to a lot of the doctrine i was fed growing up. Your comment reminded me of a fantastic podcast I listened to by Walter Brueggemann…he says, “the poetry is so important, because the poetry just keeps opening and opening and opening, whereas the doctrinal practice of the church is always to close and close and close, until you’re left with nothing that has any transformative power.”
I sometimes I wonder if the church needs an entirely new language. As an artist, I’m always concerned with creation and revision. Sometimes we have to deconstruct what we’ve made and then rebuild in order for the work to have impact. The creative process is messy and stands beyond “right” and “wrong”. We are always trying to find new ways to look at things. I’ve wondered if our church is approaching a deconstruction phase so that something new and fresh can be rebuilt.
Anyhow, I shared a bunch of books I’ve read above in response to Susan’s comment. Thanks again for weighing in! Loved hearing your insights. Glad I’m not the only weird one out here.
It would be a pleasure to invite your “weird” company to our table. Your words are so real to me …there are pieces of me that are in the wilderness as well. I am wrestling as well. Thank you for putting it out so clear and concise.
Thank you, Elaine! So reassuring to know I’m not alone in the wrestling. xo
Libby, I love that you could not keep silent, and courageously addressed the status quo. It is truly maddening how difficult it seems sometimes for those in positions of spiritual leadership to so misrepresent the way of Jesus. Your call for them to consider the impact of their all-male leadership, so brave, and so needed. Keep fighting, you are not alone!
I struggle so much with “the church” and with church people. Also, Jesus refers to the church as the bride of Christ, a feminine personification, making it all the easier to reject her and abuse her, hate her even, in this culture of patriarchy and rampant hyper- masculinity. I believe Jesus was referring more to a mystical body of believers- people who truly love God – and one that cannot be institutionalized despite all attempts. Here is a recent tanka I’ve written, titled ‘The Church’:
Is God telling me
A sad truth about his Bride:
Broken rosaries
Kids have pulled apart in play
And I just throw them away?