Nearly two years ago, I sat at Recovery Week Two listening to Dan Allender talk about breaking curses that had been spoken over our bodies, and I felt a stirring in my heart. I’d gone into the week with the subtle awareness that God wanted to heal my inner woman. Being a yoga teacher, I practice mindfulness and body awareness. I knew that my lower abdominals felt weak and my energy there was somewhat stuck. Oddly enough, as I sensed the proximity to the vital female organs, I began to connect that healing of my inner woman and the visceral awareness were closely tied together. I’d never expected healing to come as it did, nor manifest into my new life journey.
Taking myself back 10 years or so, I vowed never to have children and made it unduly clear to Chris that it was out of the cards for me. What seemed like a harsh stance, was truly my reality and commitment to protect myself. Growing up, I experienced a harsh taste of what parenting could consist of, my home was a nightmare, and I’d wish no child to grow up in that setting. I deeply feared how I’d mother my own children, so I closed the door to my heart and said no to mothering.
It’s not uncommon for men or women who’ve experienced trauma, especially sexual trauma to battle with their identity as women or men. Sexual trauma singes us to the core of who we are as men or women.
It curses our very DNA.
As Dan lectured, the Spirit brought phrases to mind that were spoken over me from when I was very young and incidents where femininity was mutilated. Dan challenged the group to take time to pray over the places in our bodies that had been cursed and to speak blessings over those areas. With my building anticipation to the week, Dan’s words brought clarity to what I’d felt the Spirit building in my heart. After the lecture, we had about an hour before lunch and I decided to pray.
I sat outside overlooking the tall robust Washington mountains that stood proudly behind a cool blue lake. The sun was warm on my face and arms. I felt a strong peace as I joined God in this sweet time. I started with the harsh words I’d heard since I was a young girl, “I always thought you would have been a boy.” I began countering this curse with blessing God’s creation of me as a female and bringing the fullness of the cross between my femininity and assault of evil. Next I prayed and blessed the female parts of my body: my breasts, vagina, uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries. (In writing this blog, I also returned to a similar prayer to bless my cervix.)
Not overthinking the impact of breaking curses, I had not dreamed of how God would tangibly manifest the healing. Making my way to lunch, I stopped to use the rest room and there I noticed I was lightly menstruating. I was shocked and overjoyed to see blood since I’d not had a period since 18. At the time I was 26 and took a form of birth control that further prevented menstruation. Prior to getting on birth control, it had been over 4 years since I’d had a cycle. I’d just assumed that maybe I was unable to have children or my body simply stopped due to my lack of desire. Breaking the curse brought physical healing to my own reproductive system! This blood was a tangible sign of God healing my inner woman down to my physical organs! What a miracle!
As the week continued and I revisited similar prayers around my womanhood and even motherhood. Every time I joined God in breaking curses or vows, tangible healing would show through a light menstruation! I felt so proud to be woman and rejoiced over what was being restored.
During the final day I had my last counseling session. Leaving the meeting full of gratitude for the restoration I’d experienced, I stopped at the retreat center gift shop to ponder over buying a beautiful sun wind chime. I had eyed it all week and with the exact cash in my pocket I purchased it and brought it back to my room. With time before lunch I researched the company that made the chime. Interestingly enough it was hand made in India by an organization that supports women in vulnerable situations. The name for the organization is a beautiful sanskrit name, Asha, which means Hope, a prophetic word in my life. I felt great joy reading this name. In that moment I heard God’s voice clearly speak saying, ”This will be the name of your first daughter.” Heavy tears of gratitude and jubilation fell as I heard that sentence, followed by many more expanding on the promise. It was a sweet personal time, a moment of blessing, honoring and affirming my womanhood.
My heart grows warm to recall the kindness of God’s voice. And what makes this story so special is that I am 13 weeks pregnant with our first child, a miracle in itself.
Living this miracle has helped me see that God delights in our every ounce of womanhood! It’s His privilege to join us in redeeming who we’re created to be as women, sisters, daughters, mothers and bearers of life. Women, the ones who shed blood, who bring life into the world and who nurture our families; all resembling the Father, Son and Spirit. All people, man and woman, bear the face and nature of God, glorious images, make in His likeness. What a glorious truth! Hallelujah!
Anna is passionate, a lover of God and sunrises. She is a wanna be poet and pour over coffee connoisseur. And in her garden she grows Drift Roses (of all things). She is a Master Level Social Worker and a 200 Registered Yoga Teacher. In 2012, along with her husband Chris, she co-founded Restore One, an anti-trafficking ministry that serves men and boys. Journeying through her own recovery process, she understands that healing is a painful yet beautiful path we must take to receive freedom. Anna believes healing is possible for everyone. Anna enjoys throwing pottery, writing and teaching yoga and spending time with Chris.