“Have you tried online dating?”
“Have you tried praying that the feelings you still carry just leave?”
“What a great dress! Do you plan to wear that for a Valentine date?”
“Are you dating? Would you like to be?”
“I have the perfect guy for you. Can I give him your number?”
“Do you find yourself often hoping the love you carry from your past could be reconciled in the future?”
It’s February…and people are asking questions. So far, it seems the best response is my one eyebrow arched high: “Seriously?”
A couple weeks ago, I was sprawled out on the floor of my apartment: candles lit, music playing, markers poured out everywhere as I did my best to sketch my memory onto a massive sheet of butcher paper.
“Write this week about everything you felt on the night your fiancé left you, then write about how it feels inside of you today.” Those had been my therapist’s instructions.
OR you could take a pair of pliers and pry my fingernails off one by one. We’ll get the same place faster.
After a couple of attempts, I realized traditional language was going to fail me here. That night is so fragmented in my head. So instead, I drew us. Both of us. I wrote the things we said, and as I started mapping what I remembered, more came back. I began placing feelings where I remember holding them that night…across my shoulders, pooling in my gut, heating up my face, silently gathering in my eyes.
As I drew, what I thought and what I felt started to fit inside the same body again.
One of the side effects from the break up was a falling out between my dynamic crime fighting team of Intellect and Emotion. Basically, Intellect pulled over the squad car, grabbed Emotion and shoved her in the back seat: “Quiet! I’ll deal with you when we get back to the station.”
Every once in a while, Intellect has pulled over for some gas and a donut, and then Emotion has made a mad dash for the driver’s seat, which has led to some minor joy riding and road rage. The bottom line is, the two of them are best as a team, and I haven’t been completely in sync for a while. The wide range of emotions I’ve faced has been fed through a grid of what is rational and what will keep me safe.
Even as I sat in my therapist’s office, shoes off and feet folded up beneath me while we worked our way through the colors and symbols I’d drawn, it once again felt hard to not judge my heart and its emotions. Kindness to self continues to be a learned response in my life.
I think about those questions I’ve been asked this month, and I guess I can truthfully say, I am with you. I would love to be in a different space. It’s been a long time to wait and wonder. Still, I think I have to stay present and grounded in the middle of the work that today holds. I don’t believe God made a mistake in fashioning my emotions and intellect to both run deep and stubborn within me. I believe those are a couple of the things that make me straight up fantastic.
And I think finding my way back to a heart and a head that work well together is far more important than a relationship status.
Sometimes that pricks at my doubt that I SHOULD be doing something else right now. Sometimes, amidst weddings and baby showers, I find myself needing to flip through my rolodex of amazing women navigating life “nontraditionally.”
Last night, I called my dad to process some of the places where I feel like people don’t understand. And some of the places where I don’t understand. Why does God seem to withhold the answers to my prayers?
My dad said many wise things. Among them was this:
“Life is changed by gratitude. In all that is and all that isn’t, you get to be grateful for what happened today. You don’t have to fret about the minutiae or drown in the bigness of your questions—you can just choose to hold with thankfulness any person who brought goodness today. I am learning that practice of gratitude has the power to change my whole life, and to move me into new spaces. I believe the same is true for you.”
What if that’s reality?
What would happen if we each sought the gratitude of today? What if that kind of sacramental living is the boat God has designed to carry us through the depths of our stories?
What if my space of unknown leaves lots of room to notice goodness I might otherwise leave unmarked? What if I remember, this is only a season, and it belongs?
Those words strike true and hopeful…both in my heart, and in my head.
Katy Johnson lives, dreams, writes, and edits in a messy, watercolored world. She’s a 27 year old seminary student, discovering her hope, her longings, and the wild spaces in her own heart. Her favorite creative project right now is called Will I Break?, and someday, that manuscript may see the light of day. For now, she shares her thoughts here.
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“What if that is reality?” Reality is a word that often holds me up ! Thank you !
You run with a fresh approach on life !
Dear Elaine, your encouragement in this space always makes me smile. Thank you!
“As I drew, what I thought and what I felt started to fit inside the same body again.” I love how you decided to draw your therapist’s assignment – the wisdom of knowing that for you, something different was needed. This image of feelings and thoughts fitting inside the same body is so powerful! You are not alone in the struggle to unite them in the same space. It is a worthy struggle, and important work – one that will bring even more depth and goodness to ALL of your relationships. ❤️
Thank you, Janet. I think that is the truth.Grateful to have the space to do this work that makes me more available to love others.
You are pretty straight up fantastic.
So love that you drew. I also have such an overdeveloped cerebellum that likes to run the show. I turn to visual or kinesthetic tools to get to the “heart” of the matter. Sometimes the truth blindsides me in its simplicity. It is so starkly different than what I would have “thought”.
The simplicity of your dad’s words call to me. I love that you asked. I love that he answered. So much goodness right there.
Oh Katy. May there be moments of goodness to notice tomorrow.
Dear Joanna, Your response was so tender and kind. It actually made me tear up a bit…thank you for sharing and your well wishes. Sending you love.
Lots of love back 💜
Katy,
God’s timing is so unpredictable. This morning I’m very undone by a situation. As I read your blog I was able to name the struggle of intellect and emotion. I consider myself an expert on the round and round road of trying to get my heart and head to sit together nicely. Your visual of the squad car was a perfect picture for me. And I also thought about the innocent passenger that often accompanies me on the crazy ride.
Also appreciate the pulling of the finger nails one by one to accomplish the goals our counselors have offered us as part of the healing process. Praying for you as you endure the pain to get to the beauty.
Dear Jaimi, I am so glad this post offered you encouragement. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement! Sending love, Katy
Brilliant. Touching. Lovely. You are beautiful and your words here including your invitation are just perfect. I laughed and cried reading this one from you friend. What a brave soul you are to do the work and to write about it. What if it is reality? Oh yes…
Thank you, B. There may have been a blend of laughter and tears while writing it 😉 Here’s to both being women who do the hard work for love!
Brave. On.
Gorgeous post. Your words are a gift and full of courage. I love the metaphor of the heart trying to reclaim the driver’s seat. What a tenuous balance we navigate daily between the head and heart.
Yesterday we were at the beach hanging with a neurosurgeon. I was there with another PA who works in cardiac. I was thinking yesterday how we represented the tension! People in neuro tend to not like cardiac, and vice versa. They are worlds apart! But we need both! ❤️🤓 Good old head vs heart works its way out in the medical realm too. We also have to share a call room with neurosurgery and there’s usually some drama over it, haha.
Thanks for sharing your story so generously. I love your dad’s input!
xoxo
As a nurse (and midwife) that made me laugh!
Thank you, Lib. And LOL on the way that plays out in physical ways in your world. #nursingprobs #whenlifegetsreal
Beautifully written and engaging to read…I love you “What ifs…”. Bless you, dear one 💗MJ
Thank you so much MJ, for your reading, encouragement, love and hope.
Dear Katy, A picture came to my mind as I thought of what your drawings might look like. I imagine a lot of red and black, slashes and scars. The reality of those last hours of the ending and the breaking of your heart grip my stomach. In kindness I won’t pretend to know how traumatic that was for you but I can envision the pain of having my fingernails pulled from my skin. Horrifying! Then later in your offering I read … “I don’t believe God made a mistake in fashioning my emotions and intellect to both run deep and stubborn within me. I believe those are a couple of the things that make me straight up fantastic.” And I smile. For all the horror and hard you have faced over the past months, you honor your heart with calling yourself “straight up fantastic”. I love your commitment to stay present and live what is today, longing, but not hiding. Showing your face and heart for us to marvel at your determination. love, Valerie
Thank you for blessing the process, Valerie! And for continuing to commemorate the goodness in the story.
Katy, I second everyone’s reply. I loved the imagery in the car and wow…I need to separate emotion and mind more than I ever imagined. You have helped me tremendously to visually seen how to possibly do that! Thank you. Really loved your brilliant writing and … heart.
Dear Becky, thank you for your kind words about what can often feel like such a messy dynamic inside. Sending you much love!