I’m going through a time of personal growth. Well, it’s more of a “forced personal growth season.” What I mean by this is that I am in a time where it’s becoming more uncomfortable to stay where I am than it would be to grow and change. It’s forced because it is becoming apparent to me that I have some things I need to work on to benefit my family, my marriage, and my heart.
I have always been unafraid to say how I feel and talk about my struggles, but I have kept people at arm’s length, for the most part. It’s weird, because I will talk about things, but I don’t want people too close to me. They may hurt me. This “come close but not too close” dance I participate in is harming my relationships.
And it comes across as coldness. I’ve never been a “hugger” or particularly affectionate, not because I don’t need it, but because it’s not very safe. I don’t like to be vulnerable, I don’t want people in my space because the further away they are, the less likely the harm. The pain comes anyway. It comes in the sense of loneliness, anxiety, and depression. And the harm it causes in my relationships is becoming increasingly evident to me.
I’m scared. I’m scared to reveal my whole heart. I’m scared to trust my heart with anyone. It’s not safe out there. I could blame it on my divorce, anorexia, chaotic home life growing up, but the truth is deeper than that.
When I don’t trust others with my heart, I am not trusting God with my heart. I cannot live my life hiding from others.
I can reach out, share, and trust others because the Lord holds my heart, and He will protect me.*
So, I’m starting simple. Hugs. I’m going to hug people.
We’re (God and I) going to start tearing down these walls using hugs.
Hug on, friends.
*I am, by no means, advocating not having boundaries and sharing your heart/life/hugs with people who have harmed you and not demonstrated repentance.
Kacy Davis lives in Fort Worth, Texas with her husband, Collin. She is a special education teacher and advocate of those with special needs and loves her job. She spends her time riding bikes with her husband, running, reading, and enjoying those she loves. Kacy believes in reinventing what it means to be a woman and wife who loves the Lord and longs to help others learn to love the Lord with abandon, freedom, and a greater understanding of grace. She writes here.