“I am thinking now of grief,
And of getting past it;
I feel my boots
trying to leave the ground,
I feel my heart
pumping hard, I want
to think again of dangerous
and noble things.
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable, beautiful
and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings.”
(excerpt from Starlings of Winter by Mary Oliver)
The words to this poem came unexpectedly early last week. I was searching the internet for something a friend had shared with me and stumbled upon this, it felt like such a gift for my soul.
As I think about this past year, since last Thanksgiving, my thoughts quickly go to places of loss and grief and to the frozen winter that lasted for months.
Last November I suffered the loss of two important relationships.
Both losses left me questioning the future, replaying the past and aching in the present.
I found myself remembering other places of loss and grief, almost as if I needed the past to guide me in the present.
It has been a long and difficult year for my heart.
A little over a week ago I joined twenty other women for the Red Tent Living Weekend in New Braunfels, TX. The day of the conference I drove into San Antonio for coffee with a friend. As we sat and sipped our mocha’s we talked about the past few years. Years that have been marked with the fallout of ministry pain, feelings of betrayal and the loss of what had been a very close relationship for us. I was tearful and the time was healing.
It’s been seven years since the initial blow out that disrupted our friendship.
During that time we moved, Mark changed jobs, two of my kids graduated from college and one from high school. Profound things have happened in my life. Things that have changed me. And, she’s been changed too, in ways I haven’t had the chance to completely learn about yet.
She offered me a release with her words. Words she spoke about the past, but that felt so applicable in the present. I felt as if God had gift wrapped this coffee date because He knew it would be so good for me.
I left my time in Texas with heart filled with gratitude. Gratitude for the unexpected beauty of what transpired while I was there. Gratitude for the past and all that it formed inside of me, Gratitude for the present and the surprising ways I experience God’s goodness and Gratitude for the future and what is unfolding for the coming year.
“I want to be improbably, beautiful
and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings.”
 
Tracy Johnson is a lover of stories and a reluctant dreamer, living by faith that “Hope deferred makes the heart sick but when dreams come true there is a life and joy” (Pro. 13:12). Married for 27 years, she is mother to five kids. After nearly a half century of life, she’s feeling like she may know who she is. Founder of Seized by Hope Ministries, she writes here.
 
Your words are beautiful. They express your heart of pain and healing that is cycling through your life. I love the goodness and the grace that pours out of you as God continues to restore your broken heart. You are loved by me…
Cycling healing….I love that and it does feel true. Thanks MJ.
Gives me hope for healing!
So true Michelle….sharing the stories gives us all hope!
I pray you continue to experience healing as you share your story. May you be blessed as you are a blessing to others.
Thank you Tony.
Grief and gratitude… Can they be joined together and produce any goodness? Yes and you have shown me that possibility with the sharing of your story of restoration of relationship. You are improbably, beautiful and willing to face your fears. Your wings are ready for you to take flight toward what God has for you next year. Prepare for take off. It’s going to be a magnificent journey.
Kind and hopeful words Valerie, I look forward to the places where our journeys will cross this coming year.