An outdated Chromebook sits atop my lap. A warning appears just before the screen turns black. Jiggling the charger, I turn it slightly counterclockwise, hoping for enough connection to power the laptop on once again. For years, this laptop has required a power cord to operate, as it’s unable to function on battery alone.
Seated on the corner of the couch, I prop the laptop on the armrest to my left. Tucking my foot underneath me, I lean toward the left and begin to type once again.
Straying to follow a trail of thoughts, I open Instagram on my phone and begin to peruse the thumbnails. Images flash across my screen, and my heart remembers. July 20, 2013, a storefront in downtown Kalamazoo, Michigan, the setting for this particular scene. Loved. A consignment boutique’s name on the window and my friend leaning into the glass storefront. Fifteen feet away, my friend, her daughter, stands, taking her picture, and the caption reads, “Taking headshots for new things happening with @seizedbyhope.”
Iron gates, weathered bricks, and downtown streets became the backdrop for a variety of photographs taken that winsome summer day. Returning home, we uploaded the images, consciously selecting each one that would be used to launch the website for the online magazine created by three close friends, Red Tent Living.
Being a part of this project came with a healthy amount of fear and more insecurity than I cared to admit, but at the invitation of my friend, I said yes.
My first submission went live in September of 2013. When the invitation to write was presented, I quieted my insecurities by combining writing with photography and recipes. Weaving stories this way felt creative and comfortable. Each month as I wrote, I began to look for the beauty in the middle of what felt difficult and started to share pieces of my story in written form.
Having completed graduate school ten years earlier, I believed that I was a decent technical writer. Academic evidence was proof enough for me to believe I knew the elements of writing. Carrying with me a belief that I was not a creative writer, as once told to me by a high school teacher, I hesitantly submitted each month as a regular contributor.
My stories initially shared from the viewpoint of my everyday life as a working, married woman raising young children. Considering the writing prompt for each month, I grew to appreciate the emotional outlet writing provided and the response from readers who could identify with my stories. In time, my life emerged with more complexity and my stories shifted, as did my viewpoint.
The women of Red Tent Living have always been generous and welcoming of those risking to share their stories in a public forum, and for that, I am indebted.
Dearest Red Tent community, thank you. With you, I have discovered the cathartic release in writing.
I have learned to sit in what feels messy long enough to learn what it is my heart truly feels.
I have felt seen while fighting to stay afloat while mothering young children with unique challenges who are growing into young men with evolving growth and obstacles.
Each of you has heard me as I named behavioral and mental health challenges that have impacted the orientation and trajectory of my family.
I have experienced how it feels to be misunderstood and learned I cannot abandon myself in order to make myself palatable or fit into boxes constructed for me.
I am closing this era of writing divorced and navigating a new relationship while mothering teenagers who are learning, alongside me, how they want to be in this emerging world. It is with trepid bravery that I choose daily to show up in a story that looks different than I previously imagined it would be.
My story has been laced with love and heartbreak, hope and despair, laughter and tears as it has evolved into a new story of love and belonging, struggles and peace. It seems that our lives are always filled with both/and.
I am grateful always to the women who birthed Red Tent Living for your unbarred invitation to come as I am. To those who edited my words, bringing clarity and structure to the unhinged pieces of my heart, thank you. To each regular contributor, what an honor to share this space with you, to learn from you, and to be held by you.
To each and every woman and man who has read my words, thank you for being a soft place for me to figure out who I am as a writer.
To those who have, in part, inspired and prompted the stories I have shared—and especially to my sons—may you know you are loved by me, always. You have made me a better woman, and I have been changed for good.
Closing this era with gratitude and love, it is with honor that I say goodbye and thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Bethany Cabell, a lover of simplicity, is often inspired to write by her everyday relationships. A highly distracted procrastinator mixed with a tender-hearted feeler, she can be a little bit unpredictable on any given day. Bethany calls Texas home where she navigates the messy and beautiful path of parenting two boys with unique challenges. She loves to enjoy life in authentic spaces alongside those she holds dear.
So many of your words resonate with me, as I, too, am grateful for Red Tent Living and all the support, encouragement and understanding I have received here in this place.
Bethany,
Thank you for your time, your effort, for concentrated thoughts, so many ideas centrifuged down into what you choose to share.
“I have learned to sit in what feels messy long enough to learn what it is my heart truly feels”
I so enjoyed how you said this.
I remember experiencing the important work at a Red Tent table with you. Laughing, crying, seeing you, and being seen. I’m sending big hugs and much love your way in Texas:)
What a decade. Thanks so much for faithfully inviting us to see your heart throughout the journey. Love you so.
Oh, Bethany. This creates a new way for me to miss you. Thank you for the work and words you shared with me and with Amy. Thank you for sharing your heart then and more recently in your writing here. ❤️
What a privilege and joy to have shared this decade, in this way, with you dearest Bethany. Thank you for all the tenderness, wisdom, vulnerability and courage you brought to us again and again.