“Did you see Tos’s FB post? So sad.”
I looked down at my phone on the kitchen counter, my hands covered in marinating sauce for tonight’s dinner. We were hosting friends from out of town and in deep conversation, catching up while cooking together. I wouldn’t look at the Facebook post until well after midnight when I crawled into bed. My dear friend’s face—oxygen tubes in his nose—took the breath from me.
His words above were even more haunting. He was dying. Things come at us so fast in a world of technology and social media. Tears pricked my eyes immediately, and my body didn’t know how to respond to this news. I kept reading, and Tos’s ask moved me to quick action.
He would throw himself a living memorial service and was asking us to come.
I turned in the dark to my husband and gently woke him. I told him the news and asked if we could buy tickets to go to Tos’s memorial. I am married to such a good man who has suffered. He quickly replied, “Yes, we are people who show up when there is life and death.”
I arranged childcare, bought tickets, and we planned to fly across the country. We would show up in Seattle for six hours to see our friend, and then, we would get on a red-eye that night to fly home.
Tos flew across the country to our wedding. He took care of our dog for years when we left town. Tos filmed our son’s funeral. When we asked for his accompaniment, he showed up. It was our turn to learn from this wise soul who had asked us to do the hard thing even amidst death.
Although afraid, Tos was wisely inviting us to end well in our relationship with him.
I have learned a lot about ending well and that it matters.
May we be courageous and wise to end well.
Christy Bauman, Ph.D., MDFT, & LMHC is committed to helping women come into their true voices. She offers meaning-making and storywork consulting. She is the author and producer of Theology of the Womb, A Brave Lament, Documentary: A Brave Lament, and The Sexually Healthy Woman. She is a psychotherapist, supervisor, and adjunct professor who focuses on the female body, sexuality, and theology. Christy is co-director of the Christian Counseling Center for Sexual Health and Trauma with her husband Andrew. They live in Brevard, North Carolina with their three kids: Wilder, Selah, and River.
Important post. My sister died of cancer in February. When death is not sudden, you do pay attention to what will make this moment truth filled and kind. Our family was (I’m the last one standing), is, a train wreck. I am the only one who stepped repeatedly in, to understand why? I am grateful for what I have learned. One being that there are endings. All the time. I don’t think ending is talked about enough. Explored enough. What keeps us from experiencing, not create another missed opportunity?