There has been a lot published in recent years about attachment disorders and the effects of children who are not properly secured and cared for. We speak of orphaned children with kindness but as if they are far away. It is difficult to tolerate looking into their need filled eyes that have stopped reaching for arms to hold them and stopped asking for words to comfort them. But the orphaned children that become angry have even less of a chance at crumbs of comfort. They invite our reproach or we turn away. How dare they demand attention in such a negative way. They should settle down and learn that any kindness should be appreciated, not scorned.
I cannot help but draw a parallel to my own orphaned places that reveal my demanding places of need with rage. Most of the time I am a contained and functioning adult, but when life corners me and I feel desperate I can lash out like a cornered mountain lion. I hate my need. I despise the places that I cannot fill on my own. I do not hold asking for care with kindness in the deep places that feel terrifying. I run, hide, or lash out to cover this tenderness.
While participating in a group process I touched a core wounding and I was undone. I acknowledged for a split second that there is a vacuum of care in a place that is so protected I often do not know how to access it. When I do get near my body rages at me. I become dysregulated, exhausted, weepy, and I am angry that I’m in touch with such a powerless place.
I end up inviting others anger toward me when what I most need is kindness. I am so young and undefended in this place of core need that it feels like I could die if I risk asking for care and what is offered is not enough or I am missed.
I have been working on inviting my orphaned places back into myself for care, and sometimes I am able to actually experience that care. It seems most true that I need an enormous amount of comfort to be willing or able to care for my youngest parts. I need safe people, safe places, safe activities for my body, good food, beauty of place, and sleep. I’m keenly aware that the coming together of all those first step needs is already a lot to ask of anyone else. How can I possibly expect to be seen for the terrified girl that I really am when my defenses are flipping off my caregivers?
It takes a strong and good parent to see past defended need.
It takes attunement and attachment and a heck of a lot of love. I am hoping that you are reading this and thinking of a friend or a client that presents in this way. It is not pretty. It is not a package that most want to open, but when a good foster parent can wade through the debris the reward of healing is as deep and lovely as the defenses were strong.
I wonder if this is what it means to love the unlovable. The least of these may be the most defended of these. Please risk the possible wound. We are simply wounded.
Shandee recently risked a move to land in Colorado with her husband and best project partner. She is the mother to her son in college and two daughters in high school. The past few months have been spent mowing down high grass and hacking at dead brush to reveal the beauty of the hills and creek where she lives. She loves a good nap, reading novels, creating beautiful spaces, and offering deep rest to those who are weary. She writes and podcasts with her friend Jill Dyer @ DarlingMom.com where they address what it is to reparent ourselves.
Shandee – This was a great reminder for me as I deal with children who’s lives were turned upside down and who suffered trauma. They act out in ways at times that are confusing to me and I’m not always sure how to respond to them. I especially tuned in to your words, “…I need an enormous amount of comfort to be willing or able to care for my youngest parts. I need safe people, safe places, safe activities for my body, good food, beauty of place, and sleep. I’m keenly aware that the coming together of all those first step needs is already a lot to ask of anyone else. How can I possibly expect to be seen for the terrified girl that I really am when my defenses are flipping off my caregivers?” Safety, healthy food, rest, non-chaotic surroundings….made me think of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. We all need those things, but probably the traumatized child more than anyone as their highly alert brains try to make sense of the world around them. Thank you for sharing this. Much appreciated.
Barbara, Thank you for applying this so well! The children you care for are blessed that you see them so well. I love how you named non-chaotic surroundings. That is a big need for me as well and for children who have come from the opposite.
Shandee, thank you for putting words to that feeling of Fire we have as children who have been harmed. Your words are a blessing to me this morning.
Your story hits so close to home and gives me another perspective on rearing a teen. I’m helping my son rear his son after my ex-daughter-in-law was killed in a tragic accident. At times, we all struggle with the changed arrangement. My grandson is clinging to the memory of his mother while trying to adjust to a much less chaotic life with his dad and me. Sometimes the best we can do is not enough, and we regroup to start over. Over the years as we prayed to have him with us, we never thought it would be under these circumstances.
Thank you for sharing. It is helpful to look through the glass with a different perspective.
What a gracious heart you must have to be both parent and grandparent. Your acknowledgement that: “sometimes the best we can do is not enough, and we regroup to start over” is BEAUTIFUL! That’s all it takes for good attachment. We do our best and keep regrouping.
Powerful Shandee! Beautifully expressed and brought into the light!
“It is not pretty. It is not a package that most want to open, but when a good foster parent can wade through the debris the reward of healing is as deep and lovely as the defenses were strong” Indeed. These orphaned places equate vulnerability to harm not care-so it does require a type of courage from a good foster parent to wade through the debris. Most get overwhelmed by the debris, but those that forge ahead get access to the deepest recesses of the orphan’s heart. We all want to be seen and the power of being seen, truly seen when you are spinning out is like no other.
I know we have both experienced caregivers getting overwhelmed with the debris, but the deepest recesses are worthy of so much good care. May we both have more of it.
Shandee,
Such courage it took to reveal this vulnerable part of you that’s so seldom seen. Thank you. As someone who’s familiar with orphaned places, self-destruction and rage both in my family and people around me, the following sentences especially resonate.
“I wonder if this is what it means to love the unlovable. The least of these may be the most defended of these. Please risk the possible wound. We are simply wounded.”
All of us
Shandee, such kind wisdom that hits home deeply for me. Both in my own orphaned heart, but also in my call to love the orphans in my office…and in my home. Only Jesus’ Spirit can accomplish this. Come, Lord Jesus, come. To us all. May Your patient love and extravagant delight be loud.❤️ Apart from You, I can do nothing. ❤️
Shandee, such kind wisdom that hits home deeply for me. Both in my own orphaned heart, but also in my call to love the orphans in my office…and in my home. Only Jesus’ Spirit can accomplish this. Come, Lord Jesus, come. To us all. May Your patient love and extravagant delight be loud.❤️ Apart from You, I can do nothing. ❤️ – Beth
Oh my, Shandee. You are courageous and wise, and so thoughtfully attentive to the tending of your deep heart. I was struck with the phrase “How dare they.” How many times have I responded to orphaned cries within me in that posture. Steve can likely describe it! Thank you for writing so clearly.
This is so well articulated. I’m painfully familiar with the dynamic in myself and working on responding with more kindness. It’s good for me to remember with my own children too. Just because they are angry does not mean they do not need me – they may just be too scared to risk asking.
Stunning Shandee. Absolutely stunning. Thank you for reminding me of my own raging orphan needs which cry out for a good, strong foster parent that is willing to wade through the debris uncovering the treasures of my innocent heart.
Such an insightful and wise article. 🙂