My name is Holly, I am an addict. It does not really matter what my addiction is. What matters is my addiction was what I chose to fill the God shaped hole in my life.
My addiction kidnapped my heart, my soul and my mind. But God. God ransomed me.
I used my addiction to drown my pain. My pain learned to swim. But God. God parted the waters and carved out a path for me.
Alone on the floor of my closet, I was in child’s pose with tears flowing when I uttered a simple prayer. “Heal me. I want to be made whole.” In that moment, peace flowed over me. Breathing that prayer ushered in a gift. The gift of knowing the mother heart of God, the love of my Higher Power and the gentle guidance of the Spirit would indeed do a work in me from the inside out. It became clear that surrender was the only way out of my pain.
I first made addiction a false friend when I was 14 years old. I began using to escape the complex trauma of my early childhood, to escape the deep loneliness that was my constant companion. To quiet the voices in my head telling me I was worthless, intrinsically flawed and unlovable.
Somewhere along the way, my addiction became a cruel lover.
Demanding my loyalty while increasing the cost of my bondage. Cutting my heart off from my family, friends, dreams and desires. I believed there was no way out. This deception led me slowly to forget who I was created to be.
But God. God made himself known to me in a new way. For the first time I honestly listened as He whispered truth to my heart. The truth I had for so long shut out by sticking my fingers in my ears like an obstinate child. When I at long last removed my fingers, I not only heard but also believed when He revealed His love for me. A complete love without abandon simply because I am me. A love that has always been present and available. While I had silenced His voice, I had also tightly shut my eyes. I could not see that Love was hemming me in.
For the first time in my life, I do not solely know about God. I do not merely have an awareness that God knows about me. I now possess the sublime wisdom that I am known by God. Somehow this truth changed everything. This certainty allowed a deep healing to begin. It has been 11 full moons since the storm has started to pass. It is not any easier today. The clouds still loom in sight. But God. God has made me stronger. There is a physical, emotional and spiritual transformation happening in me. It is taking root in me and expanding my capacity to love and be loved. Like a butterfly in metamorphosis I am on a journey, a wondrous soul journey with God as my guide. Part of this journey is emerging from the chrysalis of my shame. I am no longer ashamed of my addiction but rather grateful for it because it is the arrow God used to liberate me from myself. It is for freedom that I have been set free.
“The difference between passion and addiction is that between a divine spark and a flame that incinerates.” GABOR MATÉ
Holly is a rainbow in a world of neutrals. A lover of tacos, rainbows and massive amounts of coffee. Holly digs naps and cuddling with her people which include her hunky hubby and six awesome children. Mourning with those who mourn and rejoicing with those who rejoice is one of Holly’s greatest passions. As a fierce lover of nature, she uses her work as a Forest Therapy guide to aid in her own healing journey as well as offering the healing power of creation to others in her community.