I heard my heart whisper, “I’d rather be with them.” I held back a breath, stunned by the level of satisfaction I had being wrapped in the love of my husband and daughter.
Our family was enjoying Sunday, passive and cozy; an easy day. Asha was calm and playful, and Chris’s mood was even keel. After Asha’s morning nap, Chris suggested we take a family nature walk at Green Springs Park, the very place where Chris and I had our first solo date and first look on our wedding day. Our history is painted all over that patch of green that is smack dab in the middle of the city.
As we made our way to the park, the sun rays danced across the lingering morning. In mamahood glory I wore no makeup, a messy bun, and my comfortable Chaco’s. I carried Asha in the Ergo facing me. She looked precious in her sunhat, as she peered at the world from the comfort and security of my body. I delighted in watching her eyes wide with wonder, exuberant with the world around her.
My heart murmured softly, “Look how far you’ve come.” I paused, as I savored this moment and held in mind conversations of our previous plan. Chris and I have talked about how we planned not to have children—oh, how grateful we are that it failed!
My thought shifted, and as if I peered into the mirror, I saw my self-reflection right before my eyes. I observed my past self, similar in structure, with olive skin; delicate, wispy hair; and zealous with passion. I am beautiful and very wounded.
I was too frightened to commit, so I told Chris, my boyfriend of six-plus years, to wait on proposing. He bravely remained but did not shy away from affection; he believed I had the capacity to grow. Five months later, I let down my walls, and he asked for my hand in marriage. I said yes. Our journey of intimacy has been a mirror of this very dance.
Apprehensive to attach, I vowed never to have children or settle down with a family. I hid behind a mask of goals, education, career, and notoriety until love, wrapped in a little human body, broke through the leather of my soul.
When I gaze at myself, I see the history and defense mechanisms, how they maintained me and failed me. I see how love broke through my defenses, and I offer gratitude for its fury.
Love is a fire that burns brightly, blanching through darkened spaces of our heart to illuminate the truth of who we are.
Love dispels darkness and burdens us with the ability to anticipate hope’s justice. I’m grateful for love and its power.
As Chris and I ended our walked, I felt the weight Asha on my chest; her small body rested on my mine. In my spirit I felt secure in the truth that there was nowhere I’d rather be than with them.
Anna Smith is Co-Founder and Executive Director of Restore One, where she works diligently on The Anchor House. The Anchor House will be the first shelter in the nation designed to meet the needs of sex trafficked and sexually exploited American boys. Anna has a resilient passion to see sex trafficking victims experience true healing and restoration. In her spare time, Anna enjoys biking with her husband Chris, reading, cooking, throwing pottery, running and yoga. Learn more about Restore One here.
This is beautiful.
Thank you, Sadah. Blessings to you!
Oh, beautiful, tiny Anna. My heart swells to hear such grace in your writing now. And to know the truth of the miracle of birth and it’s ability to transform everything. I’m so glad with you, so glad. Your life brings me so much hope. Thank you for sharing it here.
Hey Kelli, yes, grace abounds during this season and I am so grateful for the new love arising in my heart that is allowing me to rest. Blessings to you!
Anna, this piece took my breath away. I felt the sacredness of the words “I’d rather be with them” as you bravely let us peer into some of the backstory. Those days with a warm little body pressed up to yours in the Ergo go so very fast. I am so glad that you are drinking deeply of them. Your mothering heart is beautiful and I, too, love how the gift of new life and having a precious little one entrusted to your care changes everything!
Thank you, Rachel. It has been a surprising piece of redemption to mother sweet baby Asha. I’m seeing how fast she grows and stunned at how quickly the months fly. Time does not give a return, savoring this season with her and Chris. 🙂
Breathtakingly beautiful look into your soul. Cherish every moment.
Thank you, Jo! Gosh, I am learning it goes so very quick, trying to savor each moment.
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