As I was preparing my talk for the Brave On Conference, I was searching for clues as to why March 22, 1990, was the day that changed my life. It was a pivotal day that ended my 25 years struggle of an eating disorder addiction. I know this day well because I marked it with a check mark in my journal. It became my daily code that reminded me, “My addiction stops today!”
As a part of my preparation for the conference, I decided to read about my days prior to March 22 along with the ones immediately after. I was sure I would discover something insightful leading up to the 22nd that would answer my question, “Why today?” Ironically, I did not discover anything profound about the 22nd, nor myself. Instead, I read about the busy days of balancing being a wife, a mother, and a homemaker who was attending a weekly bible study. Everything seemed routine, considering what the 22nd held for me. Yet, in remembering that day, I have seen how bravery has grown in my heart.
Initially, I would not have necessarily considered myself to be a brave person. I kept secrets, avoided conflict, and cultivated people-pleasing as part of my daily regimen. These behaviors are not components of bravery even though I have spoken publicly about my addiction and written about my secrets along with finding myself in the midst of warring conflict. All of these behaviors wreaked havoc on my heart.
Where is bravery if my heart is torn and suffering?
Where is bravery if I am in a heap of shame stalled out in regret?
Where is bravery if I am guilt ridden?
The only way I can answer these questions is to confess that many of those events, starting with March 22,1990, were followed with seeing myself through the harsh lens of NOT ENOUGH. I pushed myself to try harder, do more, and be more.
Strive…strive…strive.
I didn’t know that bravery started in that quiet moment when I sat in my car alone, asking God to take away my eating disorder.
I didn’t know I had a choice to offer kindness to myself and to live differently.
Others may have perceived me as brave, but the courage to name my behavior was at a high cost to my heart, longing for rest and to be known. Those first few years were ones that left me wondering if I would ever get over the heaviness of the violence I had inflicted on myself. Did I even deserve kindness after how I’d lived those 27 years?
My first step with bravery unexpectedly took me on a path of nurturing kindness for myself. Kindness with self is foreign to me. Bravery with self carries a whole new perspective of kindness that fits in with embracing my identity as a beloved daughter of God. Bravery with self allows me to know God in the still and quiet moments of life. Bravery with self grows love for my body and others. Bravery with self sees a bigger picture of the goodness that resides in my heart. Bravery with self is kindness and it has no room for shame and guilt. The Bravest One has covered them all for me and He is kind.
It has been good for me to remember March 22nd, 1990. It was an ordinary day. Yet God orchestrated the timing for me to do business with Him. It was a day of bravery that has led to kindness. I’m hoping that you, too, will ponder a day in your life that causes you to stop and remember that quiet moment when God spoke to your heart and it changed everything for you from that day forward.
Mary Jane Hamilton loves her life living on Lake Michigan with her husband of 47+ years. It is her family that brings her the greatest joy especially her 6 grandchildren. MJ readily admits that she adores her dachshunds and rests in the comfort they provide. She smiles at life and “rolls with the punches” that are thrown her way. MJ loves Jesus and beauty, MJ loves wind, waves and thunder, MJ loves fashion and good wine, MJ loves…&n
“Those first few years were ones that left me wondering if I would ever get over the heaviness of the violence I had inflicted on myself.” Theses words struck me so powerfully…and provided an image of the “weight” of that eating disorder. I celebrate your bravery today. I celebrate you! ❤️
Thank you, Christine! I love celebrating with you and I love the kindness of your heart toward me. So good being with you at Brave On💗MJ
Oh, I get so much from your distinction between bravery with self and kindness to self. I needed to hear this today – I will pray for this bravery!
Thank you, Claudia! I am grateful for your words today because they bless my heart💜MJ
I love this idea of being kind to ourselves. Kindness leads to new frontiers that give us courage to try new directions. I’m so quick to heap shame upon myself. Thank you for this timely word.
Thank you, Randi! I love the idea of the new frontier you will be exploring with kindness💜MJ
Mary Jane – I so loved how you described Bravery with self here. Your words at Brave On really stuck with me too about doing the next right thing. I came home and made a change and keep asking myself that question daily. I so admire your tenacity and how you continue to forge on in your journey with bravery and kindness to self. You and your story continues to inspire me and call me to more. <3
Thank you, Jenn for the encouragement of your words. I love that you have been called to more…God is doing a wonder filled work in your life. I am reminded daily to consider the next right thing as well…too many options to pull my heart away from the goodness God has for me. Trust your gut, my friend and carry on💗MJ
Mary Jane, I cannot tell you how much your words ministered to me the day you posted them – I was in tears over my weight and body image – and the Lord used your post,along with other things to free me from years of harsh hatred, cursing, and agreements over my body! Praise be to His holy name for using you and many others – He is so kind!
Praise God and thank you, Nicole for the wonder of God’s goodness in your life. I so appreciate your words and the generosity of your heart to write them. Your words express a freedom for the life you want to live…I’m rejoicing with you! 💜MJ
Beautifully expressed…Really liked reading this 🙂
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it💜MJ
“Where is bravery if my heart is torn and suffering?
Where is bravery if I am in a heap of shame stalled out in regret?
Where is bravery if I am guilt ridden?”
We are so very hard on ourselves. I love the words you put to the struggle to see your bravery through kindness. Your bravery is evident, even when you think it may not be, and your courage in naming the struggle makes you even braver.
Thank you, Janet. Your words are kind and encouraging. Bravery continues to grow…stay tuned and let’s brave on together💜MJ
Beautiful. And bravery is taken one step at a time. Your journey is life long, but you have taken so many steps and inspire others to do so.