What if I’m not ready to get married?

Out on the patio with my feet propped up, I can see the tips of my wedding shoes peeking out over my laptop.

It’s a podiatric dress rehearsal I guess. They say you’re supposed to practice. So you don’t get blisters. So you don’t fall. So you can be confident.

And here I am, practicing. My right big toe hurts a bit…I guess we’ll have to flag that as a hot spot for possible blister pad reinforcements.

So much energy in so many people has been churning towards a day that’s now only a couple weeks away. And 2 weeks out, I know the truth: as much as we plan and prep for this wedding, there’s no dress-rehearsal for marriage—Because there’s no great way to ensure I don’t fall, no situation that builds up just the right callouses to keep from getting hurt, and not enough self-assurance in the world for all the risks headed my way.

I am still me and I still carry places where I wonder if I am enough or lovable. I’m broken, and Aaron is too.

Last week, we sat with a couple very like us, though a couple decades down the road, and they asked us to name why we had fallen in love with one another. “That,” they said, “Will continue in the coming years to be a very true reflection of your best selves and why you are each in this. It will be important to keep remembering.”

So we started back and forth, “I fell in love with you because…”

It’s the kind of exchange that brings smiles and amused eyes, loud laughs and near quiet sighs. You’re beaming, you’re a bit embarrassed, you’re moved, you’re overwhelmed. “I fell in love with you because…”

2 weeks out, I can’t honestly write that we’re ready for this. Neither of us quiet knows what to be ready for, and I often find myself holding what I had imagined or assumed and holding what is real.

But we didn’t build our relationship off a series of well-imagined moments. We fell in love because of who we are in the everyday, across the seasons, through well-planned and spontaneous experiences. And this isn’t going to be a marriage that works thanks to meeting an image in my head or practicing with new shoes beforehand.

what if i'm not ready to get married.

Beyond all the other details, maybe it boils down to “I fell in love because…”—Trusting and being thankful as I see what I love in Aaron, believing I’m enough as I hold to those parts of me.

At least, that’s what I’ve decided to walk on starting this new season. We’ll discover together where it leads.

Katy Johnson lives, dreams, writes, and edits in a messy, watercolored world.  She’s a 26 year old, discovering her hope, her longings, and the wild spaces in her own heart.  Her favorite creative project right now is called The Someday Writings, and someday, she may let those writings see the light of day.  For now, she shares her thoughts here.