I came into the world on my parents’ hopes that I would be a boy, a girl’s name had not been chosen. There was a brief attempt of baby dresses and dolls, but Tonka trucks, footballs, and the boys soon became my playmates. The subtle destruction of my feminine heart set in motion.
I chased after my dad’s affections at great cost to my longings to feel beautiful, adored, and twirled as a little girl. I was groomed as his tomboy as my only option. I dressed like a boy and was mistaken for a boy.
One day in 6th grade I tried something new. I wanted to feel like a girl so I wore a dress to school. My schoolmates met me with teasing, laughter, and mockery. I never wore a dress to school again. It didn’t fit the image I was expected to carry.
In high school I wore some make-up and got a perm. It helped a little, but it felt like my popularity came for only what I could do. I didn’t feel beautiful and the life inside of me slowly began to disappear.
I carried into college and adulthood the lies of the evil one that I was unworthy as a woman and damaged goods. Jesus found me within these years and I held on to Him in the midst of my chaos, but I continued to hide my face behind the mask of successful professional golfer. It’s what was expected and all I knew.
I didn’t feel feminine nor did I believe I had anything to offer as a woman.
I kept my hair short for over 30 years because my dad liked it that way. For many years I held my desire to grow it long until I finally claimed it was time. I wasn’t teased, laughed at, or mocked by my peers and my soul inhaled hope.
Ambivalence shook me to the core at social gatherings and parties. You know the scene…the women congregate in the kitchen and the men confiscate the living room spreading out on the sofas and chairs positioned for optimal seating space. Where do I belong?
The kitchen is where I longed to be but it felt out of my reach. My safest option led me into the background with the men and I remained not fully present to anyone.
A few years ago I was invited into naming truth about my childhood story of harm. The shame and silence acting like a dam around my heart broke open. Something new stirred within my soul and I started to feel again. Life. Beauty. Worth. I began exhaling the awakening of my femininity.
Opportunities to be in the kitchen have come on many occasions over the last 18 months. Conversations and laughter around the table with Godly women have been an invitation for my heart to risk again. And each time I say yes more life enters my soul.
As I walk through this Advent season anticipating the coming of Jesus, I am thankful for new beginnings and new life. I will also be looking for my place in the kitchen where my presence matters, I have something to offer, and my longings are good.
Tracy Hanson spent 15 seasons on the Ladies Professional Golf Tour. She is on a journey of embracing her beauty and living more deeply from her heart, and hopes to continue to share her story through full time ministry. Her hobbies include facilitating trips to the Holy Land, riding her motorcycle, the outdoors, and running. She also writes a monthly golf devotional on her website.
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It has been such a privilege to watch you take your seat at the table with such grace and beauty. You most certainly belong and your presence is a blessing, whether the table is small and intimate or as large as the communal space of this online magazine.
Thank you for your words Tracy…so grateful for how you have impacted my life and heart. 🙂
You fit perfectly in that kitchen of lovelies. What a beautiful collection of hearts gathered together! Thank you for sharing what it looks like to risk, step up, and take your place. You are an inspiration.
Thank you Julie.
As I began to read my heart filled with the pain of no growing up with no father. The familiar yet different desire to fit in with a world that sees you as something you are not. I was raised by a single mother, influenced by women and only abused by men. I to this day struggle with masculinity and finding where I fit in as “a man”… I have a wife and 2 daughters, still surrounded by women and struggling to be what I have never known, a father a husband and a man. I feel your words SO deep in my heart, thank you for sharing them and they truly bring tears to my eyes.
Scott…thank you for sharing how our stories intersect with a similar thread. May you continue to find confidence in who you are as a man from the beginning, in the present, and in the future.
Love this, my friend! The beauty of your heart touches mine each time I connect with you. I love what you bring here with the unfolding of your femininity. And I enjoy the playful and engaging lady I have come to know and love. Blessing to you…
Mary Jane…you have inspired me to lean into my femininity and beauty in many ways. Thank you for your words and presence in my life.
Your vulnerable beauty here is so inviting! This is so helpful, healing to so many with a similar story. You are bringing forth good food for us! Thanks for inviting us into your kitchen!
Thank you for being a part of my journey into more… 🙂
Tracy, you are such a beautiful woman, inside and out, and you do indeed belong! Much love to you. Thank you for your vulnerability here.
Thanks Renee!!! 🙂
Tracy, I hadn’t known your story. Now I know some and the beauty you offer others seems even more inviting. My heart aches. You were born a beauty, yet you were so missed. I love your willingness to fight to reclaim and allow to bud open, all of who you are. May God allow us to sit together at a table sometime going forward.
Thank you for your encouraging words Valerie…I will look forward to sitting together sometime down the road.
Valerie, I’m so thankful you’ve found a peace and presence in the kitchen
Your blog reminds me that you just have no idea of someone else’s story. It reminds me to be curious. You are a beautiful woman and I am so glad you are living out our femininity boldly!