I’ve always been a big believer in contingency plans. Saying yes to a concert involves a detailed inspection of venue and local parking, evenings out in New York city require saved jpegs of the subway train times in case internet is down along sketchy sidewalks, baking a pumpkin pie demands extra cans of everything in case I mess it up. You get the gist.
One time as a 12-year old I packed an entire overnight bag (with a bathing suit) in case my play date with a friend went well and I decided to take it to the next level of “spend the night.” That friend didn’t even have a pool at her house. But hey, you gotta plan for every variable.
I often live my life accounting for all of the variables. It helps me minimize feelings of disappointment or anxiety. And as I write down the tiny, “responsible” ways that my planning takes up space in my life, I’m recognizing that it is limiting (It may also be neurotic. I’m still working on blessing my crazy).
“What if you just let things be messed up? What if you let yourself be disappointed? What if you didn’t have it all together?” I’ve been asked those questions a lot lately. And the people who have asked those questions are the people who love me most– which means that I am definitely not fooling anybody who counts with all of my “togetherness.”
I believe that our contingency plans prohibit us from feeling the fullness of love. At least, mine do.
If I’m always anticipating the shoe that drops, if I’m playing out in my head the worst-case scenarios or if I’m constantly monitoring circumstances to achieve the reality I think is best, then I’m not trusting. And I’m not believing that my messy, real self is ok, and perhaps wanted.
At the end of the day, planning for the worst helps me avoid showing up as I am. It takes me out of the story Jesus has placed me in. Doubt, anger, struggle, drama, forgiveness—that’s what the best stories are made of. And the people in relationship with me are asking to experience those parts of me. They want to care for all of me.
I continue to find myself surrendering to my story. Each day it seems I can surrender a little more, and then there is a day where I wall up entirely and have to start again. Still, my heart is more open today than it used to be. I am finding myself in deeper relationship with others and more interesting space with Jesus. It is the space where he and I get out of the boat to walk on unknown waters. And that is good.
What about you? What would happen if you let it all go?
 
Katy Johnson lives, dreams, writes, and edits in a messy, watercolored world. She’s a 25 year old, discovering her hope, her longings, and the wild spaces in her own heart. Her favorite creative project right now is called The Someday Writings, and someday, she may let those writings see the light of day. For now, she shares her thoughts here.
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Love your story. Thank you for sharing.
You are welcome! Thank you for the comment.
You have just described me – 100%. I’ve learned to embrace my neurosis while trying to let go – all at the same frustrating time. It’s a long, hard road. But I continue to pick my way down it each day…… I’m afraid, my sweet second cousin, that it is our destiny – maybe in our DNA.
Kelli, this was the coolest comment to read. Thank you for sharing. I’ll keep picking away if you do.
Boy….lots of wisdom here. Thanks for the word-picture. What if, indeed!
My pleasure, thanks for reading!
Thank you SO much for sharing, Katy. Your words are a timely reminder today as I admit to struggling to “manage” my life (and the lives of others) this very day. After reading your post the first time, I actually put an end to writing an email to confirm evening plans, as I realized I was not “trusting” words spoken to me in the planning last week. Wow! What an eye opener. I especially love your words about surrendering to your story, as I come to a crossroads in a particular area of my life. Much love and many blessings to you:)
Hello Christine! Fun to see your words here. I hope the evening plans turned out beautifully for you and that you find grace for your own heart at the crossroads.
Oh Katy, your messy, real self is ok, and greatly desired by so many including me. You cover your hyper-vigilance so well and that’s sad. I’m excited to hear that you are being found out and you are finding you out. What a gift. Let the spontaneity be birthed in you. It and you are a beautiful thing.
Thanks, Valerie.
Ok, first I loved this one!!!
I can relate SO much. As I read further into your story I began to almost say (out loud) YEA, what if I don’t plan for everything? What if I let things fall apart… Thank you for another great read!
Scott, you’re awesome! Thanks for reading.
I loved reading you today Katy. I’m thankful for you and how you put things into words. I found myself relating to wanting to navigate life safely, all prepared; first aid kit, extra underwear…and what you revealed is that “contingency plans prohibit us from feeling the fullness of love” and that showing up as you are is good AND uncertain.
It is indeed both of those things, which certainly makes it scary. I’m so glad you read! It feels good to have friends in the midst of the story.
Your “messy, real self” is quite lovely!
Thank you, Janet. I love that you’ve experienced it first hand. That is so sweet for me.
Oh are we not all a mess, letting go..yikes! Sounds like a urgent need for Jesus to pull my parachute