When my husband told me that our sixteen year old had come out to him as transgender, I laughed. I thought it was some weird joke I didn’t understand. John may as well have said Sam was on a spaceship headed toward Jupiter. I was shocked and confused; it made no sense to me. “Bring Sam up here,” I said. “I’m gonna call his* bluff and make him* put on some of my clothes.” Then we’ll see who’s really a girl, I thought to myself. Thankfully, my husband knew better than to comply with what would have been an awkward and humiliating experience for everyone.
Three and a half years later I still can’t bring myself to call Sam Samantha, and I don’t know how to tell this story without using masculine pronouns, (note the asterisks in my first paragraph.). But when Sam comes upstairs in a skirt and asks me if I want to grab lunch at the foodcourt, I say yes. Because loving someone you disagree with is complicated.
In April I finally finished writing my first book. It’s a memoir about how I learned to give myself permission to grieve the loss I experienced growing up as a preacher’s daughter in the Deep South. When I began writing the book, after my second miscarriage, I never imagined I’d be struggling with a whole new grief by the time I finished it—brought on by a grown-up child.
But what I’ve learned over the past twelve years is that grief is a part of everyone’s life, no matter how we grow up.
And grief will continue to come into our lives again and again, until we die.
Up to now I haven’t written publicly about Sam because I was afraid of exploiting my child, just so I could be part of the conversation on the topic du jour. And because this story is just beginning, and who knows how it will turn out; and what if what I say—or don’t say—has a negative impact on it?
But despite those complicated emotions, I want to share my experience because other moms need to know they’re not alone. Because I’ve been the mom who feels like she has no one to talk to. I’ve been the mom who feels like it’s all her fault. I’ve been the mom who questioned her faith and got mad at God. I’ve also been the mom who said all the wrong things and forgot to say the right things—whatever you think those things are. Because there’s not a handy pamphlet for this kind of parenting. Yes, a few people are writing books that are helpful these days, but no amount of advice is enough when you’re in the thick of parenting an adolescent.
Which is what Sam is. And regardless of the particular issue being faced, Sam is just trying to figure out what to believe and who to follow. And when I remember some of the things I thought when I was sixteen, and nineteen, and even twenty-two, I realize that Sam is normal. Sam was made to question and struggle and “work out your own salvation with fear and trembling,” just like me. And if God can handle my wandering, faithless heart, perhaps he can handle Sam’s, too. That’s not to say I’ll stop telling my kids when I think they’re headed in the wrong direction. It just frees me up to love them a little better, which is what they need most anyhow.
So if you have a kid like mine, I hope this post encourages you.
The devil wants us to feel shame about our parenting. He wants us to stay isolated and keep silent and be afraid of every decision our kids make. But he’s not the one who gave you your children. God is, and he knew all about the various issues they’d face, as well as the advice you’d give them, and the mistakes you’d inevitably make. But he decided to trust you with them anyhow. Because he knew you were the right one for the job, and because his love is more complicated than ours. God’s love believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Because God’s love never fails.
In fact, God says His love is perfect. And I believe and have even experienced how perfect love drives out fear. Because fear is the real enemy here, isn’t it? It’s what makes me choose a side and fight so hard to prove my side is right, beyond a shadow of a doubt. But what if being right is less important than staying in relationship with my child? What if love is more complicated than simple, and what if I could learn something new through this struggle? Something messy but beautiful, something unexpected and difficult, yet in the end, totally worth it.
Janna Barber is the kind of girl who’s been known to spill potato soup in her lap; and it’s not always funny. She grew up with a Preacher Dad, a Southern Belle Mom, and two cool siblings. Now Janna is married to a guy who works for a church, and they have three kids of our own. She likes to write poems and tell stories about faith, family, feelings, and hope. You can find more about Janna and her work by visiting her website: Janna Barber
I love the truth of this. Surely God wants our honesty, and this is all about that. Blessings, Janna. Thanks for sharing this tale.
Thanks for your comment, Claudia. I appreciate it!
When I am faced with something that seems “wrong” I remind myself of Anne Lamott’s saying, “It is better to be kind than to be right.” And then I think of when I was young and acting in ways that were easy to judge–and I remember the people who showed me compassion and offered prayers for me in my struggle. How much more helpful that was than criticism and judgment. Thank you for sharing.
Anne is a favorite of mine as well, Madeline. And I’m so thankful for all the compassionate prayer lifters out there!
Thank you for sharing and for your bravery and honesty to publicly share. Far too many people are quick to condemn rather than try to understand and love. God does not make mistakes. Many times we question and ask why…even scream that question out. And we don’t always get the answer. He created us in His image. If we condemn those who are different from us who are also created in His image, what does that say about us? Love should not be conditioned on making sure the person we are to love is exactly the way we want them to be. We all struggle with that at times, but God still loves us the way we are, because He created us the way we are. Blessings to you and your family.
Thank you, Deborah. May God bless you as well!
Thank you for sharing your story…and really showing what the gospel looks like right in the middle of of a story,,, it is LOVE!!!!! Thank you for not shrinking back… for sharing your story!
I appreciate your encouragement, Ro. Much love!
Janna – I can so relate to your story… for I am right there too. I feel all of those emotions a million times over. I’m part of a group if you want more info. My daughter has consistently required me to identify her with masculine pronouns. Thank you for sharing your heart on here and your reactions. Very difficult… I know.
I’m so sorry to hear that you are also walking this path, Lillian, It is steep and treacherous, but I pray the view at the top will be glorious. Isaiah 45:3 is a verse that has given me much comfort over the past few years. Thanks for reaching out!
This line: But what if being right is less important than staying in relationship with my child?
Yes.
I too have walked this journey. So grateful I dared to keep loving. And maybe I wasn’t so right anyway.
It’s so good to know we’re not alone. Thanks for sharing your heart!
I’m responding to your most recent comment/request to me… tonight. The website is help4families.com. There is a certain pathway in order to become a member of this group. If you need more info, please let me know. Lillian Landis
Janna that is so powerful thank you for sharing this beautiful post! I work with high schoolers and see how they struggle and the self hatred sometimes when they feel different and can’t figure it out. Loving them as the precious human being that they are is the best gift you can give. Sam needs that more than anything. You are a terrific mother. Blessings from another former pk
You are doing the Lord’s work, KJ! Thanks for investing in young people, and thanks for lifting me up as well. Much love!
I’m so sorry to hear that you are also walking this path, Lillian, It is steep and treacherous, but I pray the view at the top will be glorious. Isaiah 45:3 is a verse that has given me much comfort over the past few years. Thanks for reaching out!
How timely of God to lead me to your writings. Your story of encouragement to entrust a child to God and put on love is just what I needed. The grief is so deep to watch a child be lured and deceived, but I love how you respond with compassion and hope in God’s power and love.
Thanks for reading, Theresa! I’m so glad to hear that God led you here. He is faithful even in the hard times. May he continue to bless you on your journey!
Thank you for sharing your story. My son has recently come out as gay, we were asked to leave our church, I lost my job (I’m a Pastor) and were told that it’s best not to have contact with anyone in the church. It has been a long lonely road, trying to make sense of it all. I love that you said maybe being right is less important than staying in a relationship with my child. This, my friend, is a powerful statement, thank you for affirming the decision my husband and I have made.
Sometimes, during times like these… it is mind boggling to try to make our incredible pain look “right” in front of RELIGIOUS PEOPLE. This is when we turn to our Savior and listen to His Word and know that His Grace is sufficient for us who love God and are called acvording to His purpose. I’ve been the wife of a pastor who abandoned us, and our daughter fell into transgenderism because of it. I am totally aware of your grief. Reply back. I can give you a link to a webinar for parents withid in font of them… I can empathize with pastoral families. God bless you!
Lillian, What’s the link?
Fear-releasing, Hope-Instilling, Life-Giving words. Thank you for being courageously honest Janna. This has helped me today.