Unless you air your laundry, divorce in the church is as isolating as a child’s temper tantrum during the Sunday morning service.
When my husband of 27 years suddenly and unexpectedly left, it was weeks before my large-church-pastors noticed I was missing from Sunday morning services. And even weeks more before someone called to check in.
I can’t blame them. I didn’t reach out. I was busy. I was inhaling and exhaling, managing shame, scrounging for hope, paying bills, and depositing what little emotional reserves I had to care for my devastated daughters, reeling family members, and befuddled friends. I was too busy facing the disappointment of opening my eyes in the morning, realizing that God hadn’t granted my nightly plea to take me in my sleep because I didn’t know how to live this way.
There were so many things I didn’t know about how to go through an unexpected divorce. There is no YouTube video, no manual, no to-do list for how to do it well. Yet, the one thing I did learn is that you won’t get a casserole from church when you’re in the middle of burying a marriage.
I realized this after the fact. A year after my husband left and before the divorce was final, my dear church friend lost her husband to a sudden heart attack.
Here is the thing I learned when Joe died that I hadn’t even thought about when my husband dropped off the face of the earth. There are dozens of casseroles in the church freezer.
When Joe died, the church stepped up big for Sue. She had meals for months while she figured out how to manage the house and budget by herself. She had lawn boys, free electricians, and pro bono mechanics when her cars broke down. She received hundreds of cards from church friends – we watched them overflow her mailbox. Women came to clean her house. Strangers did her laundry and folded her towels. And not one person asked what she could have done differently to avoid Joe’s death or suggested that things would get better because some new man would snatch her up in a second.
I am so glad. I love her and am grateful for each person who stepped in to meet her in her grief and need. One time, she gave me an extra casserole because her freezer was full. It was really tasty and I ate it for days after we wryly talked together about the differences in our experiences of the death of a marriage. We both acknowledged the casserole rules. The church didn’t give divorce casseroles – except for the one she gave me.
The very next summer, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I learned that you do get casseroles for breast cancer. Elders visit, people pray, your name gets mentioned from the pulpit. People call, email, and send cards. They rake your leaves.
I was grateful, although a bit bewildered. During those six months of diagnosis, surgery, and radiation treatments, I never once prayed for God to take me during the night, I never cried myself to sleep over breast cancer, never imagined what I did wrong to be so unworthy. There was no shame. Each morning, I was happy to open my eyes. Sometimes, I even longed for the phone and doorbell to stop ringing. I got free yard work for weeks. And, I got lots and lots of casseroles.
To be clear, this isn’t about a church, it’s about the Church. My church tried in the best way they knew how. I don’t blame them for any inconsistencies. I had never noticed them before either.
We can’t know our blind spots by seeing them, we must feel them.
It’s complicated, isn’t it? As people of faith, we are very good at meeting people in times of death and illness. There are no judgments around these things, and we do not need discernment about who was in the wrong. We don’t have to wonder about whether one’s grief is deserving of a casserole. The rules about other human conditions are not so clear. Casseroles for the death of a marriage? For a mental breakdown? For rehab? How can we know whose fault it is? We all learned that God’s favor falls on those who follow God’s good rules. Maybe then, it’s just best if we offer a sympathetic side-eye and let the chips fall. There are rules, after all.
Or maybe the rules are just misunderstood. Maybe, loving our neighbor is a rule that means need is need, and grief is grief, and a casserole is the love of God made real for all who suffer- no matter the cause. Maybe.
Jill English is an avid encourager of humans and lover of words. She is most at home out-of-doors, and in particular, while walking any beach. Her most magical moments involve being Grammy to two remarkable grandchildren, and Mom to their lucky parents. As a discerner of call in higher theological education, her favorite conversations involve connecting the sacred dots of every-day life and faith. Jill lives in Grand Rapids, MI with two small, elderly pups.
I was on no less that 8 ministries at my “former cult of a church in a cornfield “ One is them was the meals ministry and not once in 10 years were meals delivered for the bereaved of separation and divorce. A collective shame erupts on the face of this “moral “ dilemma that frightened everyone as if it is contagious. So it is best to just stay away and maybe they will get over it and get back to church.
Little did I know my own marriage was unraveling and I was to experience the same loneliness. Except for a few brave women that crossed my threshold to berate me for separating and divorcing my abusive husband.
I left.
I am now in a quiet church that practices in the midst of a noisy city and I am regarded with sympathy the vagaries of being a social widow due to divorce.
There is an amen to the story !
Me too, in Arizona
Me too. And this is a second divorce for me. Now in my 50s and still with an 11 year old at home. I have so much shame and grief. My 1st husband left suddenly. The second was mentally abusive and an alcoholic. I am still in the process of the 2nd divorce barely making bills and not sure how I will get the money to pay my property taxes, not lose my job and keep my son with special emotional needs survive his 1st year Jr high. Thank you for helping me have a clearer perspective that my exhaustion is not just about being 53 and helps me see that I need to not keep this experience to myself, but watch for the signs in others facing all the loss and devistationof divorce. Thank you and bless you.
You were on that meals committee? Did you propose to serve meals to the wounded members of the club no one wants to be in? The divorce club, that is. When you have a voice in something, use it. Correctly. Don’t run and hide. Get back in the game and use your experience to make changes. Make a difference. #divorcedlivesmatter
As a pastor, this article is much needed and appreciated!
Thank you for your gracious and honest words.
I hope and pray that the Church continues to wrestle with what it looks like to love our neighbors as ourselves.
I am sure that loving, caring churches may not even think of this….but as the full time caregiver of my husband of 50+ years with Alzheimer’s Disease….I can tell you how much a casserole would mean some days!
Jill, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this. A friend shared it on Facebook. I’m having my coffee on a beautiful morning in NC. Your honest words so touched my heart in a very profound way. I am a believer. I was shocked in 2011 when my husband walked in one Friday night and said he didn’t want to be married any more. I belong to a large non-denominational church here. My senior pastor changed his schedule one day that next week and spent two hours listening and giving me sound, realistic advice. Advice about what to do when someone you love more than anyone else, who is a Christian, who walks away with a hard heart. About my forgiving him and letting God handle it. My pastor encouraged me to stay in my “married” SS class where I had been a member for 17 years. Other than 2 or 3 close women friends from that class, no one said a word to me about what happened. I felt shunned. Embarrassed. I was hurting so much.
Hardest thing ever to sit in worship service alone while I felt eyes boring into my back. I felt like I had a big “D” on my forehead. But with Gods help, I kept going to church. Sadly, since then, two other women friends have gone through the same hurtful experience. Their grief clouds their eyes. I realize I am called by God to listen to their stories, hug them fiercely and pray out loud with them after class ends. God is faithful. He is merciful. He has given you great talent with words, Jill. Please keep writing. We’re out here reading your words, crying silent tears, sharing your feelings. God bless you abundantly, my sister! ❤
What in the world is a “married” Sunday School class?
it’s a couples class
In 2017 we spent many months watching our special needs daughter regress…turns out her brain was shutting down as an auto immune condition…I had to be in constant body contact with her as she could not maintain her body temp otherwise, and she was in constant pain. Would take 3 people 45 minutes to get her TO the bathroom as her muscles were rigid. Doctors were of no help for months until God connected us with a Down Syndrome expert and we have a story of God’s care. My point is NO SUPPORT FROM THE CHURCH NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE WE ASKED…even hard to get the elders to pray over her and they did not anoint her head with oil per the Bible. What’s with that!?! The next year I had cancer and it was caught early BUT THE CHURCH HAD ALL KINDS OF OFFERS FOR US but we didn’t need them as it was not much at all compared to our earlier times. My point is this….mostly only cancer gets a notice by the church.
Wow. Just wow. I am so sorry you had that experience in the midst of caring for you daughter! Hugs sister.
Sad
Deborah Gray, I am so sorry that happened to you, but that is surely not the case in all churches. My husband walked away in 1992 after 22 years of marriage after being involved with a fellow educator for 3 years. It was devastating to myself and my children and no, I got no casserole. I felt embarrassed and I felt this overwhelming shame, and no one from the church came a calling, BUT at any point, had I contacted my class teacher or my pastor and shared how I was grieving, struggling to get up in the morning, I truly believe my church family would have done whatever I needed. The Lord hates divorce and I hated myself b/c I knew I was grieving my Savior……BUT God. I wanted to save my marriage, but my husband was too deep in his sin, and definitely wasn’t reasoning properly. Adultery does that to people. This was a pivotal time in my life and it changed me forever. It was excruciating pain and I just wanted it to end. I was a professed Christian, but had never surrendered my life to Christ 100%. That horrible event brought me to that place where the Lord became the Man in my life. When I cried and I cried buckets, I asked Him to hold me. When I wanted to literally hurt my husband and “her,” I asked Him to please create a clean heart in me b/c I knew that I had no choice but to forgive him….AND her. I asked Him to comfort me when I was hurting and I asked for His wisdom in how I responded to my children. I asked Him to guard me from saying one negative word about their father b/c he will always be their father. The Lord literally carried me through those dark days, one step at a time. Not once did He let me down. He was faithful and He grew me up in His love. I met a wonderful man at church several years later and we married., but he knows that the Lord is and will always be my main Man. All that being said, I don’t believe that we need to bash churches, our pastors, nor our brothers and sisters in Christ because the church is made up of sinners, just like me. I try hard to be in tune to the needs of my church family, but fail miserably sometimes. I think this article is wonderful and encourages us, showing us how we can better serve each other. I will certainly be paying more attention and like the pastor above said, churches can choose to be open to being more in tune to divorce care. Our church offers free pastoral counseling. We have ongoing grief classes, along with many other classes that addresses the issues that we are faced with. For the people who wrote concerning unloving pastors, PRAY. Ask the Lord to lead you to a church that truly loves and ministers to the flock. Not one that condones sin, but one that offers biblical instruction to teach you the Lord’s way of dealing with every single issue we face in this life. When you give it much thought every single person in the church is dealing with something and we are all imperfect people in need of ONE thing, and that is Jesus Christ. God bless you and I’m praying that you find a church where everyone’s hurts are faced with love and compassion, and never condemnation or blind eyes. That is no church.
I didn’t know pastoral visits were limited to city limits when a spouse died. My church has three pastors and not one came to the hospital when my husband was critically ill. I was told they didn’t go that far. Not one of them came to my home to see what I needed or ask how I was, during this time or after he died. I live 5 minutes from the church. One friend brought a casserole. My bell choir brought dinner the day of the service. That’s it! How lonely did I feel?
I am so sorry you were so ignored! How hurtful! Hugs sister.
Oh my goodness! I cried all the way through this!! I have buried a young son (age 3 1/2) and buried a 35 year marriage and YES the sad truth is the support and outpouring of love and ministry that is so awesome in the Body of Messiah when someone is ill or experiences death is shockingly absent when part of the Body is devastated by divorce. Just as much in need. Just as much overwhelmed by grief and how to take the very next breath while trying to keep it together for the kids, but one grief is validated and one is not. May we remember … there but for the grace of G-d, go I. Ask ourselves, how would I want people to respond if it were my marriage that had died and then do that unto others.
I now lead a ministry in our church to the hurting who are experiencing separation and divorce (DivorceCare) and I can tell you, the grief and devastation are real.
Wow so sorry that you had this happen. BUT G-d. He uses our testimony to further His Kingdom and help others. Bless you for being obedient. I lost my 22 year old only son last year, and actually never got a casserole from my church. But my old friends from Julian’s childhood years stepped up and have embraced me as a single mom. They have surrounded me with Jesus love.
Me too.
I wonder if my former church will still put my sorry husband’s name on the November birthday cake. The person who did it last year is a really good friend of mine, but she couldn’t understand why it hurt my feelings that she and her husband would still consider Weasley to be their friend after he moved on with another woman. Other than that friend, though, not one member of that church has reached out to me except to “like” a few of my Facebook posts and, boy, did I air my laundry!
Jill, I am sharing this today! God bless you….💞💞💞
Not THE CHURCH, but definitely at least one angel: when my husband walked out on me and my son, one of our ministers reached out to me and told me someone who wanted to remain anonymous had asked him to give me something. An envelope with $300 in it. And a note saying there would be one every month as long as I needed it, and to use it to help us get back on our feet. It was a lifesaver. And then a card came in the mail that if we needed it, we could go to the counseling center, and the bill was covered. As long as we needed it. I never knew who these people were, but they saved me. They saved my house. They saved my very angry son. It was almost joyous to look around at church and wonder was it you? Was it you?
I LOVE this! We have had opportunities to anonymously contribute many times & it blesses us more than it could the recipient. Sometimes meeting the practical needs are the support needed at the time of difficult times.
An angel indeed. I pray that i am blessed to bless others in need like this. Your testimony gave me chills and blessed me.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
This was so beautifully written, and so painfully true! I am so sorry that you went through the pain of your husband walking away from your marriage. I know firsthand that it is akin to death. And when it isn’t your decision, and there’s nothing that you could do about it, the compassion and support is overwhelmingly absent.
I went through an extremely painful marriage, with my husband cheating and choosing to leave instead of repenting. Rather than supporting me through my grief, some of the people in my life who identify as Christians started to become very distant, even one whom I had considered to be a close friend. I had supported her after she had lost her husband to cancer (there you have it again!). But she was not there for me after I lost my husband to adultery. A family member of mine also decided to disown our relationship, assuming so many wrong things about the whole situation. Instead of being there for me through one of the most difficult and sad times of my life, she shunned me and even spoke badly of me for not “staying with” my husband, even though he made the decision to leave.
As sad as all of this has been, it has shown me that the only place that we can truly find the support that we need is in Christ alone. Humans are fallible. And while God does want us to help one another, we fail to do that on so many occasions due to our own selfishness, pride, self-righteousness, and a host of other reasons. I’s never pretty to look at a relationship that once looked beautiful only to see these attributes in your loved one. Just look at Job’s friends… what a help they were to a man who suffered such egregious afflictions! Even without accusations, a close “friend”‘s unfounded absence through one of life’s most difficult losses is equally atrocious.
Still, I have forgiven them. And many times over (you know how the enemy tries to resurrect our hurts and reasons to blame others?)
While casseroles and hugs are nice, comforting, and helpful, the ROCK OF AGES anchors us to reality- the beautiful reality that we have been redeemed, saved, and are being transformed into the image of Christ every day, even if our days are filled with sorrow at times. We always have reason to rejoice and bring God praise, even when the people that we thought we could rely on during life’s highest AND lowest points fail us, betray us, and try to cast cloaks of blame or shame over us,… only HE can remove them and remind us that we are Loved, we are WHOLE in Him, and we are NOT and never will be forgotten.
<3
p.s. I have thankfully found a home church that is the opposite of this, and TRULY reflects the Love of Christ and responds to grief and need of all kinds. The Body isn't entirely broken… but we are still in ICU and need much prayer.
You are so right… That the Rock of Ages us the ultimate comforter! I can testify to that!
When my husband left me (more than 30 years ago, now), I became the pariah, the leper, of my church. I had people come to me and tell me it was my responsibility to reconcile with him, even though he never seemed interested in reconciliation (after all, he’d left me). Even when I discovered he’s gay, that didn’t change; somehow, if I’d just had enough faith, everything would have been okay. I called that period the time when I felt I was living on the epicenter of an earthquake. Later, I realized I’d had a nervous breakdown.
And later, too, I realized why people treat the separated like lepers: it’s because they’re afraid of their own vulnerability. If it happened to me, it could happen to them. And one of the more obnoxious ones insisting “God told (her)” I had to reconcile, no matter what, did, in fact, divorce, later. Such a shame.
Love, love, love this!! And also hate it. It is SO true!!
I went through a divorce twenty something years ago. I was very active in a church and was treated as though I had done something terribly wrong. I called our pastor and went to talked to him, for some love after all he knew my husband so he knew what was happening. But no, his advice was to give me a women who would me with me on a regular basis and help me to know what I needed to bring him back. I have four children who were nearly adults down to an eleven year old who were very confused and hurt. The journey has been hard and sometimes seems like it happened yesterday. Thank you for your words. I keep reading them and sucking them in like a sponge.
Shameful! Thanks for sharing. The family preacher would not marry me and my husband because I was divorced—divorced from an abusive, wife-beating alcoholic.
Thank you for sharing! My own journey through divorce was similiar but thankfully I had close friends who loved me through that bleeding season. I too know the wanting to go ‘home’ so badly I couldn’t talk for ten minutes to Jim Woodford who did die and went over yonder and came back to tell others to prepare for the crossing over. The church is ashamed of it’s disfunction and I have discovered the law is there for abuse situations. God is good! I was told years prior to the divorce I would minister to divorcees….now I understand! So much love and understanding and encouragement needed!
This article touched me, as my husband of 22 years left. I thank God that our children were grown, but they still hurt to this day. Loss is horrible.
This post hit my heart. Thank you, I am so much in tears of the reality, and you are absolutely right. There are rules to what you should lend yourself to, and there are areas that no one has made up any rules yet, and this is an area where you just made a rule to minister to the pain of those going through divorce. Thank you.
I prayed the same prayers. Felt the same shame and banishment. Thank you for your writing.
Me too. ❤ Julie
My post-divorce situation differed somewhat from the others posted here. I asked for the divorce with strong reasons. I had no children either. I was 27. A friend offered to let me live with her until I wanted to move. It helped both of us financially. She belonged to a single adult small group at a large church of the same denomination to which I’d always belonged and we went together. I found that the leaders used lesson material that often did not meet my non-parent needs, and I sometimes felt there were undertones of condemnation in those lessons as well. When I went to the mid-week suppers on my way to my graduate night classes, no one included me in their conversations, even though I introduced myself and got there early so I’d make it to my class on time. Most of the other diners were families. After five months in the small group, I met a man (not a group member) and we married ten months later. Once we knew we were committed, we began visiting other churches. We found one that was very warm and friendly and whose pastor preached from the Word of God. He married us and baptized both our children over the years. He also led a discipleship class, which we joined. Over the years I have tried to reach out to single women and other visitors, because I remember how it felt to be ignored in the mid-week church supper. It doesn’t matter if we have something in common or not, we can be warm and friendly to people and not judgemental. There are so many people out there who need an overt showing of love. I can recall as a very young wife on a tight budget making muffins for people, which were always warmly accepted. You might not have a place in your budget for a casserole, but muffins say I LOVE YOU too, and everyone has to eat breakfast or needs a snack. If we know there is a need, we just need to DO SOMETHING! Make someone smile and know that we notice their need!
In some ways, I am in a similar situation, but my husband is confined to an Alzheimers Center.
Several great friends have been there form me through this period of grief. Counseling has helped,
But I did discover that I will naturally suffer another period of grief when he does pass. Prayers for all who suffer during loss.
This maybe true of some churches but not all…our church is small…so our people notice things more…we took care of a young mom and girls when her husband left ….we cleaned her car….we mowed her lawn for 2 years until she moved to a place that was taken care of,…we took her family out for dinner….but this article is a great reminder of those hurting from a divorce….thank you
Hello, Hope. I have come to learn that there is a big difference in this area between small and larger churches. I am grateful for the gift of being seen that occurs more naturally in smaller faith communities. Thank you for the ways you notice within your community!
Sad that people still have this experience with church. Church had been a big part of my life before my divorce (22yrs ago). Then, I learned what it was like to be shunned. Even though our “marriage problems” were no secret, it was as if my church felt it needed to disassociate with me to not appear to condone the hardest decision of my life. The worst loss was for my children and how they experienced the loss of their church family. There were so many ways my girls and I could have been supported. Instead, crickets. And gossip. Fortunately, there are many options to be a part of a supportive church community.
I love the Casserole Rules article . . . so illustrative. Thank you.
I tried 3 times to subscribe, but the message came up that said I had to try again with a valid email address. As far as I could tell, it’s my proper email address which now appears below.
When my husband deployed, my church and Sunday School class did nothing – not even ask how he was doing. This is while another gal in the church had her husband deploy and there were collections to send in “Care packages” to him, lawn mowing, babysitting, etc! I had a 4 yr. old and 10 week old baby when he left and their reasoning was my parents are in town and they will take care of things. My parents were working and traveling at that time, and they did pick up some slack. When the furnace went out at midnight on a freezing night, I had to call my Dad to help me relight it. I am thankful that I had them, because the church that I’d attended for 20 years totally dropped the ball! Sad to say, we left that church after he came back, even though it was the church I’d grown up in.
These words are both meaningful and moving. I was married to a minister for 21 years with 3 children. He was having affairs and for so long I did not know. He finally left the marriage and his children. The congregation did not know of the affairs and he stayed as minister. It was difficult seeing a lot of these members of the church still worshipping him. He was charming. I went elsewhere to be church organist and worked so many more hours to support our 3 children. It was never the same for me at that church because it just couldn’t be believed that he was at fault. Eventually he left his position as minister after marrying the last woman he had an affair with. Most sad is that he had little to do with his children. Too bad for him.
I think it’s a great story and a great lesson, however I come from a different church, my church does so many things for so many people that so many people don’t even realize. If they have any knowledge, they do reach out. I think too much of the time people look to the church to be perfect. It’s not, however the church is not just a building. We are the church. Friend/Relative/Neighbors we are the ones that should also be reaching out especially because we have knowledge. I think it is a great story and a great lesson, however I come from a different church, my church does so many things for so many people that so many people don’t even realize. If they have any knowledge, they do reach out. I think too much of the time people look to the church to be perfect. It’s not, however the church is not just a building. We are the church. Friend/Relative/Neighbors we are the ones that should also be reaching out especially because we have knowledge. Way too much of the time people expect the church, in fact they criticize the church the second something isn’t done perfectly, but they don’t give it the credit it deserves when so many things are done “correctly” behind the scenes. I too went through divorce, I didn’t want a lot of people to know, I didn’t want to broadcast it. But I have my relationship with Jesus, and I’m in my Bible even more so at that time. Not just in the bad times but also in the good times. Thank you for the story, just want to remember we are the church, Jesus sent us to be fishers of men 🙏🙏❤️❤️
I was a teenager, deeply involved in the church that I’d grown up in, when one day I came home and my mom was gone. After a period of rehab for alcoholism that she had kept a secret, she decided not to come home. We as a family weren’t shunned by our church, but I definitely felt ignored and left to fend for myself. No casserole appeared, and no other offers of help were given. Only the occasional, “How’s your mom? We’re praying for her.” After about a year, anger from abandonment consumed me and I left the church to follow the world. The world only offered more heartache until eventually Jesus taught my heart to forgive and brought me back into His arms. So, yes we need to step up for these families going through divorce/separation. Adults and children.
Does anyone have the recipe for the casserole in the photo?
Seriously Tom? Actually, I do have a “recipe” for the “fall-out” of so many ex-spouses who have lost their marriage unexpectedly. I too, was divorced from a pastor who was unfaithful to me our entire marriage – he actually admitted to it after 22 years of marriage. While I faced the divorce with stormy emotions, I somehow, had it within me to write a training manual for churches who would step up to the kind of powerful ministry that we as hurting spouses desperately need. That was two years after the divorce. It is not published, but I would like to offer it to anyone on here who is willing to read it in it’s entirety, implement it within their church, and let me know what kind of results you have…or just let me know how you would respond to a ministry that is called, EMBRACED MINISTRIES. This is my answer to your “recipe” question. I feel ALL OF YOUR PAIN, for I have attempted to read most of the responses and I’m there with you, because I have experienced the same kind of pain, on so many levels. At the time of the divorce, my church, especially the youth ministers, were superior in their ministry to me and my teenage daughter. I don’t believe I could have survived had it not been for that ministry team…HOWEVER, I also know and understand the painful reality of the weak response from the church itself. The current church I am a member at shuns those who are or who have gone through a divorce. My ministry is on-line, however, it is on hold at the moment, and I don’t expect anyone to “buy” into it…but just let me know what you think.
I loved the article, reading all of the comments – and after each post, my eyes were opened to the pain and suffering that so many people go through…… So Tom, when I read your question – it totally cracked me up! 😆. I have found that stumbling upon humor in the midst of hard times – lightens my mood, refocuses my emotions (if only for a brief moment 😀) and reminds me that there are others who can help my journey by tickling my funny bone! None of this is meant to diminish pain or suffering – it’s just that seeing/reading random comments or questions which step “outside the box” of seriousness can have positive effects…..😑 IF you will allow them!! 🤗🥰
And I too…… have been eye-balling that casserole!! It looks fantastic 💗😍💗
Thank you! I’m so sorry you had to face this, but thank you for opening our eyes to a need, I know I’ve neglected! You can’t fix what you don’t know! Now I know, so no excuses!
I will bring this up in my small group, my tribe, church and share on Facebook! Together, we can all begin to fix this one casserole at a time!
I choose joy,
Patty
Thank you this is spot on. After 26 years my wife left. The pastor says she left God I was just part of the God she left. The small details were exactly how I’ve felt. I must say though my pastor and his family were the casserole that has helped God bring me through this experience. I hope others realize things more through your article.
My husband walked out on me after 38 years of marriage. We’ve been divorced now only a year. I think my church tried very hard. I think they still do. But you are also right. The feelings of shame and isolation are generated more from how we are feeling about ourselves and our lives than how others are feeling about us – they don’t know how to bridge that gap because they don’t recognize that divorce is a death (of many, many things) and that we are grieving. And I think that our culture in general does not understand it either. Divorce is now so commonplace that people almost expect it. And they ask stupid questions. I had a date once tell me that his being widowed was much worse than others’ divorces. He just could not grasp that there is grief in divorce. Thank you so much for your profound article
I believe that divorce is more painful than a loss due to death. In death (other than suicide) someone who loves you has left by no choice of their own. Knowing that your spouse would have never chosen to leave you is less painful than the reality that someone who had promised to love you forever CHOSE to leave (and much too often simply replace you with someone else). It is devastating. Those who have not experienced it can never understand how difficult it is, only those of us who have been through it do. It is us that needs to make sure that others feel cared for during this time. Jesus tells us that “In this world you will have trouble, but take heart for I have overcome the world!” John 16:33 We go through difficult times for a reason, God is purifying us, and it helps us to have empathy for others. Too often we Christians are hard headed and judgmental, it is not Christ-like and we should take heed of the verse that says “Judge not lest you be judged” Matthew 7:1 Our responsibility as Christians and as PEOPLE is to love each other. If we see a need in our Church for more support for those of us going through a divorce why not start a program that offers support instead of complaining that there is none? Too many people believe that the Church is here to serve us, but WE are the Church and we are here to serve each other.
Wow! This was painful to read. But I’m so grateful for this post and all the responses. I am divorced. I wanted the divorced because he had psychological problems and was abusive (although he was continually telling me how sweet and kind he was). Things got so bad that I slept on the floor in the room we used as an office because I was scared he would kill me….but felt I couldn’t leave or I’d lose everything. He managed to get the bulk of our estate in his name alone behind my back. (The judge even got mad at him for what he’d done to me.) Thank God my parents were there to help me or I would have been on the streets and might have lost custody of my son. I was fortunate to be part of a “mom’s in touch” group and my friends were sympathetic and helpful in many ways. However, I did have people who walked away from me because of my divorce….people who had no idea what was happening. I thank God for those who were there for me, if for nothing more then a shoulder to cry on. I completely believe that the church needs to step up and comfort the divorced, in a similar way to those who are widowed. The widowed usually have family and friends to take care of them. In the Christian church, I did have people who walked away from me, mostly people who had not idea that Hell I was going through. Sometimes a divorce can be life saving. A part of me died because of the divorce but I part of me also realized that God’s grace is sufficient even if man’s isn’t.
I guess I am not surprised. Sad but not surprised. As my husband got less able to be in church, we heard from fewer and fewer “friends”. I have an overlap
Of autoimmune diseases with severe pain. I am seldom able to sit in church or shop or go anyplace. It is like we dropped off the face of the earth. We have one faithful sister who has never quit calling, visiting and remembering us. That percentage is frightening if it is typical of the church today.
When I am able to be in church it is not there now. I wish someone could explain to me who and why certain people are loved and not all. I am so sorry they weren’t there for you in the death of your marriage.
I have hurt so much. In my mid 70’s and being in church all of my life, I cannot wrap my mind around what is happening in the church.
I really liked your post. I left the Catholic church years ago, but can definitely relate! I was married 27 years, he died 7 years ago – at 49, of Glioblastoma. It was devastating. Grief is grief, no matter how we get there. Thanks for posting. 💙
I hear you so loud and clear and yet strangely enough I had never even thought about it until I read your post! I also went through an ugly seperation and divorce while caring for 2 young boys and attempting college for the first time. While the elders were involved to help facilitate what they hoped to be recovery with my narcissistic, manipulative ex, no other help was given. My small group, my friends….it’s like they are afraid divorce is contagious. Thank you for bringing this to the forefront in such a beautiful and thoughtful way. It took me years to get over the abandonment of the church. But I found my true Help and provider – I’m guessing you did too! Blessings!
And then there’s the church that actually sides against you. Several church members at the Presbyterian church I not only grew up attending, though I was not a member, but also attended with my member soon-to-be-ex, wrote glowing affadavits proclaiming that he was a wonderful man & father. They of course had no idea what he was doing behind closed doors. Then these same members showed up in court to sit with him and his entire family at the first temporary child custody hearing. Effectively isolating me and obviously shaming me by seeming to support him. He is an alcoholic & abusive to our children and me. However they all believed him and chose to even give him money to supposedly buy a dryer for the house his mother allowed him to move into. The children, 10 & 12, told me he lied to the church and received money for this appliance when he not only brings home $980/wk but already has a working dryer. Meanwhile, our HVAC hasn’t worked in going on 3 winters, (we’ve been separated 6 months and 3 days) & I’m trying to figure out how I will heat my home before cold weather gets here. I will probably never step foot back in this church, and thanks to them I’m completely disillusioned with church going at all.
K. Atkins– I can understand how you would become disillusioned with church going. However, please don’t let the actions of these particular church members drive you away from God–you need him now more than ever. While going through a very nasty divorce and the many years of subsequent litigation, I would find so much comfort in reading my Bible. It seemed like God was speaking directly to me through what I would be reading. For example, I remember “rediscovering” Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” At the time, I was certainly “weary and burdened” and seemed to need rest more than anything else.
Just prior to a court battle, I happened to read Chapter 20 of 2 Chronicles, which states in verse 15: “…This is what the LORD says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged…. For the battle is not yours, but Gods.’ ” and in verse 17: “…Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.”
I hope and pray all goes well for you and that you are able to find a church that is warm and welcoming and supportive.
Reading this article brought up sad memories for me. After being forced out of my marriage after 33 years, I felt that I could not be a part of my church community anymore as it was just too painful to attend with my husband and his soon-to be new wife. I had spent huge amounts of time in my choir and congregation and no one really knew how to treat me since the three of us were still part of the church. I tried just being a part of the congregation, but found that I just could not sit in the church without crying and gave up and quit attending, thus becoming totally isolated from support that I desperately needed at the time. Despite many individual people being kind to me at my previous church, the clergy did not reach out to me at all as a body and most people just did not know how to react to me or what to say because of the awkwardness of the situation. If you see someone in pain, reach out! An aspect of church, to me, is a being a place where one’s soul receives sustenance. My emotions and and daily life were ripped apart by my divorce, and the church just wasn’t there for me at the time, maybe not intentionally, but absent nevertheless. Another poster to this forum said that no one noticed her departure from Sunday services, and this was also true in my case. An “official” response of a couple of casseroles and some kind words would have made a huge difference to me at the time. I have since moved from the state and relocated to a new church and am recovered and doing well now, but not without a lot of personal soul-searching. This article is a great thought-provoker, and makes me think that we all need to consider what OUR responses would be to others facing equally painful trials. I will try to become part of the solution to these problems by reaching out to others facing similar situations. Thanks for writing this, and my heart goes out to all of you other folks who wrote in with your stories and who are coping with equally wrenching sorrows.
Wow… so much truth to this. My mom has said the same thing and I felt it so much. Thank you for putting it into words so beautifully.
Been there. Twice. Friends were supportive when I showed up at church, and I do appreciate their comfort during those times, but no one ever showed up at my door with a meal or offer to help in any way. I pray it has taught me more compassion.
I am currently 2 months into a six month stint as a single parent while my wife is in military training. I clicked the link expecting casserole recipes. While I didn’t find what I was looking for, I really got a lot out of your insight and thoughts and want to thank you for sharing. We treat the death of a marriage very differently then the death of a spouse. Being a male military spouse taking care of a baby, I find that my support is different then if it’s the other way around. Hence why I am searching for casserole recipes. Thank you again.
I experienced the same situation when a husband of 36-years left abruptly! The small church was silent and when I worked with the pastor to start a divorce recovery group, the deacons said “no” it might encourage divorce.
A similar response occurred when my son went to prison – crickets even when we reached out for help. Our family was devastated. The body may have forgotten that the church is an ICU not a social club.
At my current church, our relational small groups ensure that doesn’t happen and I am blessed and able to trust the church again.
I too, was divorced from a pastor who was unfaithful to me our entire marriage – he actually admitted to it after 22 years of marriage. While I faced the divorce with stormy emotions, I somehow, had it within me to write a training manual for churches who would step up to the kind of powerful ministry that we as hurting spouses desperately need. That was two years after the divorce. It is not published, but I would like to offer it to anyone on here who is willing to read it in it’s entirety, implement it within their church, and let me know what kind of results you have…or just let me know how you would respond to a ministry that is called, EMBRACED MINISTRIES. This is my answer to your “recipe” question. I feel ALL OF YOUR PAIN, for I have attempted to read most of the responses and I’m there with you, because I have experienced the same kind of pain, on so many levels. At the time of the divorce, my church, especially the youth ministers, were superior in their ministry to me and my teenage daughter. I don’t believe I could have survived had it not been for that ministry team…HOWEVER, I also know and understand the painful reality of the weak response from the church itself. The current church I am a member at shuns those who are or who have gone through a divorce. My ministry is on-line, however, it is on hold at the moment, and I don’t expect anyone to “buy” into it…but just let me know what you think.
Without fail, the Church has disappointed me, bewildered me, angered me, refused to acknowledge me, judged me and abandoned me. I returned the favor. I hear lots of people who claim to be “christian” but very few live the word.
Kathleen, please begin to pray for the Lord to direct you to those who do try their best to live as Jesus did. I have been all of those adjectives at one time or another, sometimes unknowingly, but certainly with no motive of malice or ill intent. Learning my value in Christ changed everything for me. I finally realized that nothing else matters. We love others because Christ first loved us. That is our calling. However, another persons actions, even rejection have any power over me. Zero. If I know that I am in right standing with the Lord, what another person says or does, has NO bearing or hold on me anymore. I know my heart better than anyone other than the Lord and I no longer am in that prison of pleasing others or being accepted by them. It became freedom for me when I looked myself in the mirror and saw that I fail others so often for many different reasons. We could be ministering to others 24/7 if we attempted to meet the needs of everyone that has a need but we are called to attend to our families also. We are all flawed, so placing blame on other sinners just makes us bitter and resentful. The church is not a place for the perfect, “got it all together” people. It is a place for broken and hurting people in need of a Savior. I now look to One, and only one, Who IS perfect. He is fighting for me. He is fighting every battle if I will trust Him and lay it at His feet.. He acknowledges me, I am of great value to Him, He died for my nastiness. We are all human and while here, we will all fail, but He never condemns me when I go to him with a repentant heart. He has never disappointed me even once and He will absolutely never abandon me. Please look to Him and He will teach you to look to Him for your help and not others. The enemy wants you to believe otherwise, but God’s Word will take us to places we never dreamed. Once we experience His great love and understand the magnificent value He places on His children, there will be no turning back. God bless you. I’m praying that you will find a church where you feel loved, but mainly a church where you can go to worship God, and pray for those who mistreat you, b/c it may very well be that they are not saved themselves. The Bible says that the path is wide, BUT the gate is narrow to enter the presence of God and FEW will enter therein. The church is full of lost people who are sitting in those pews every time the doors are opened. Being present means nothing…Loving the Lord with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength and living in obedience to His Word is ALL that will matter on that day. Neither nasty people or loving people will be there to plead our case. Just me, so I ask the Lord every morning to create a clean heart in me, and try my very finest to be pleasing to Him….ALONE. What anyone believes about me is their business. The Lord knows my every thought and motive before I do. God Bless!!
There is one kind of death that is treated differently, and that is suicide. You don’t get casseroles, or calls or cards for that. No one wants to mention it ever, ever again. It is intensely painful for the family, and the shame heaped on top of the pain is almost unbearable.
When my marriage came to and end due to abuse. The church didn’t know how to help. An alcoholic woman who lived close to the church took me and my children into their home for the 8 weeks it took for me to find a home for me and my children.? Wasn’t easy but God provided.
Thank you for writing this. I am in a different category. My husband and I rebuilt our marriage after his admissions of infidelity (physical, emotional, etc.) This was 27 yrs. into our marriage with three grown children and a couple of grandkids. We went to 2 yrs. of counseling, both couples and individual. Hubs stopped going to his individual sessions. A pastor suggested a separation, so he moved out. The next week, I was removed from youth ministry because he moved out. No casseroles, no visits, no offers of help, no contact. Crickets all around. We not only left the church, but we ended up relocating. Being away helped us to start fresh on our marriage. We know that for a lot of people, the marriage is not salvageable. And my heart goes out to each and every one of them. We’re not involved in a church anymore. We were active in one in our new town. I had double knee replacements and no casseroles, no visits, no offers of help, no contact. Crickets. At 2 months, we went back to church. I was asked if we needed anything. I was having a difficult recovery. I said maybe a phone call every now and then, since I had no family here. You guessed it. No casseroles, no visits, no offers of help, no contact. Crickets. I was so glad to read this and the responses. I thought I was alone in this hole. Now that I know others are here with me, I have a strange and unusual hope. Even though we now have 44 years, I feel the call to help others, specifically with this subject. The betrayal I felt towards my husband took my breath away, but the behavior or lack thereof of my church, whom I called family, was almost overwhelming. And to think that in leadership, I may have participated in some of this inexcusable behavior is daunting to me. I was asked by my couples counselor, back then, if I would be interested in working in a recovery ministry. Maybe it’s time.
I scrolled down to comment this morning and saw your comment. I have been where you have been sister. We were married 15 years when I found out about infidelity which we are now 20 years past. I remember asking God what he wanted me to do, he said forgive. Has it been hard work, yes. Nothing prepares you for the isolation you feel, being left to the side by people that said they were friends. So you hold to each other more, checking in with each other while you are learning to be each others best friend again. So high five to you and your husband!! You are pretty awesome!!
Yes, God told me to forgive from the beginning. I had a really hard time with it… but with God’s grace, I’ve crossed the bridge. I had a wise person say you know you have forgiven when you don’t want them to hurt any more. That’s true I believe. With the church, I’ve resigned myself to “that’s the way churches are.” I love God, but churches are full of humans who are imperfect… this is not excusing the behavior, it’s just realizing that people are by nature selfish and they don’t think about being the hands and feet of Jesus that people see. They don’t realize that when you can’t think of anything to say, a hug is immeasurably comforting. No words needed. If I was a young Christian, I would be very discouraged… I’m a seasoned Christian and I’m not discouraged by it, Just saddened at the missed opportunities. My missed opportunities, as well. I could have made a real difference and I haven’t. Been in healing mode, with lingering resentment, but time to snap out of it. stampingmomma, thnx for your support!
Just came here to say me too. . . I have few other words than that. The pain has been nearly unbearable. Loss upon loss upon loss.
Jenna, just know that you are not alone. There seems to be more than even I thought going through this same thing…hugs to you in your grief.