A child’s mind is a mystery to me. It captures every experience and locks it in as the basis to build truth, to define normal, to create expectations. Is this still true when the normal is twisted with tainted experiences? This question spotlights my reality.  I liken it to the time my husband went to see the Cirque Du Soleil. The excitement he had prior to the show stood in no comparison to the contrasting disappointment with which he came home.  For years I couldn’t understand why he so disliked the show everyone raves about. The words he used to describe his failed expectations were, “it messed with my mind, I don’t like things that defy reality!”

It was not until recently that I began to understand why a distortion of reality bothered him so much. I did not know that residing deep within my mind were many distortions of reality. It wasn’t until I began to see my own realities being dismantled that I began to comprehend how disturbing this was for him. As he watched the show, the things he knew to be true took on falsehood.  All the laws of nature and given truths that he lived by began to be seen as possibly not a reality or truth at all.  The performance took what the audience saw and tricked them into believing differently than all past experience had told them!

My truths have been fiercely challenged. What has been a lifetime of experiences, conversations, and relationships have shifted from real to perceived real.  The things I have known to be real, like the function of my childhood family and my understanding of love have been brought into question as the door to my mind has been jarred and truths previously held in denial have been penetrated. As a child, I accepted the events of my life as normal and sensible…if I had not, I would not have survived.

What I began to see as an adult invited me to believe differently than my past experiences had told me.

Suppose in the middle of the circus performance all the house lights are switched on…what would be seen?  Wires, connections, props, and secrets revealed.  It would look nothing like the show that was being watched…there would be chaos.  So it is in my mind…The Lord’s presence switched the light on, and the dark corners and the true reveal feels chaotic; the secrets showing in the Light are bringing an understanding that the people who loved me did not protect me. Where protection was needed, instead I received exposure.  Where engagement was needed, instead I experienced abandonment.

The Light has revealed how shame and worthlessness were used as building blocks to create my truth.

As all that was thought to be normal is being brought into the Light, and the Light is revealing the Truth. I’ve been gaslighted for years, and now I don’t trust what my mind is telling me. This is the place where my mind is beginning a new chapter and the work is challenging. The lights are now on and I cannot “unsee” what I have now seen. The Light exposed the darkness, the Light exposed the twisted and tainted realities that had resided since childhood. How did this happen? Jesus. He is the Light that has dissipated my darkness.  “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

The new chapter has opened with grace and a shedding of shame as I walk out of darkness.  As each day now unfolds, old rules and truths are shattered… don’t talk, don’t feel, don’t trust.  I talk now. I feel now. I trust now.

God’s unfailing love and relentless grace has exposed the falsehoods I once believed.  Each word that I speak, each story I write carries me to experience life in a way I never had.  As this time continuum progresses, so does my trust in the new realities.

Now, I see why my husband determined that the show he witnessed brought disturbance in his mind. He walked away disturbed by what had been twisted in his mind.  It is brutally confusing and frustrating to have what you have thought to be true, brought into question. What his eyes saw did not make sense with what he knew.  What my eyes saw, what my child experienced, has not made sense as I discovered more truth.

Will I be able to continue these relationships or does the truth revealed make that impossible?  I wonder if I can take both the distortions of reality and the truth and reconcile these is my mind, making order and sense rather than constant confusion? I wonder will the show end as I walk in the Light?

Kimberly (Kimmy) Hock, enjoys a vibrant relationship with the Lover of her soul as His love has unwrapped a whole new language to her. She is a wife of a Pastor and mother of 4 teenagers. Kimmy has just begun to find a voice in writing, and her passion of unfolding feelings and experiences in words. Life in ministry, healing of trauma, and cancer victory has given her unique perspectives and a colorful freedom to express her thoughts in word.