There are words deep within me that have refused to surface. They hide, playing, in a place far inside my being, and I like keeping them there. I don’t want to hear these words, in fact, I have spent a lifetime contributing to the silencing and burial of them so they would not reach my conscious world. These words belonged to a terrifying and destructive language. Although I keep them hidden, their play in the dark corners of my soul directs me. I listen to them taunt, I listen to their directions, and they have shaped who I am.
I once heard that when one is tasked to begin deep heart work, there is always deep life change. This is the journey I was led on, deep heart work. Little did I know; the deep heart work of sanctification can only result in transformation that we cannot accomplish on our own. A call to places of fear simply to transform that fear. As He calls, there can really be no resistance, I feel lured in.
The words wrestle deep within my chest, they try to surface but run back down in fear. I try again, my self talk urges the words to just jump, to take the risk. They retreat. Everything in me, my thoughts, my will, my prayers all engage to convince the darkness to release. They retreat again. The day will come when the words will explode. I know it. I try again and again…
While the words play in the pit of darkness, they have the opportunity to lie and not show their colors. This allows me to deceive myself and listen to the relentless refusal to believe, to follow rudder direction from beneath my soul. While the words remain buried, they haunt and torment me.
Trauma. Abuse. Survivor. Rape.
Did I just say that?
I said the words.
Please say the words were not heard?
Did those words actually rise to my voice? Words that hid in terror of what would ensue if exposed, were voiced! The healing begins, this is where it begins.
They threw punches all the way up from my heart to my throat, they refused to obey, they finally catapulted out with a fury, and tears fell. My tears typically don’t fall easily, if at all, yet with this release, came the release of cleansing tears. Emotions seemed to follow my speaking. If I did not speak, then I would not feel, and would not have to trust. As the words rise up, shame and horror grasp my chest. Nausea encompasses the moments.
When the words hit the air, I can no longer convince myself of my alleged insanity or unworthiness. I can no longer hide in the cloak of shame.
Are we released when the chamber is opened and the voice is allowed to speak truth? When the voice makes thoughts audible and the sound of the words enters the brain something happens…. Belief.
The Light of the Rescuer continues the deep heart work. The language changes and transformation occurs. The words I thought brought horror, brought freedom. The words I thought brought shame, brought healing. Speaking the words of brokenness brought fullness, and speaking the words of destruction brought rebuilding.
When one is tasked with deep heart work there is really only one thing that can happen, transformation. It is no longer my voice, it is His. It is no longer hidden, it is exposed. It is no longer for my protection, it is for His purposes.
His voice surfaces out of the caverns and brings with it healing to all who hear. There is no way for Him to use the words if they do not rise to be heard. There is no way for others to heal if they cannot hear the words that will heal them. This exposure is necessary and the language changes from death to vibrant life.
Why do we do this? Why can we not expose the unwanted and dirty for Him to embrace and clean? For me, this exposure is living within the Body of Christ, as the words rose up, exposure revealed intimacy.
Kimberly (Kimmy) Hock, enjoys a vibrant relationship with the Lover of her soul as His love has unwrapped a whole new language to her. She is a wife of a Pastor and mother of 4 teenagers. Kimmy has just begun to find a voice in writing, and her passion of unfolding feelings and experiences in words. Life in ministry, healing of trauma, and cancer victory has given her unique perspectives and a colorful freedom to express her thoughts in word.