As 20-somethings – one with a history of sexual abuse and deep harm – we had no idea of the difficult adjustments ahead of us.
Receive
Accommodate
Take in
Embrace
I struggle to let the words settle over me…ponder their meaning.
Accept
Surrender
Relinquish
Relax
The words carry me to places where I have known deep harm. Mental alarms clang. Breath quickens. Chest tightens.
Hypervigilant
Alert
On guard
Look out!
I wear these words comfortably. My wardrobe is full of them. I know how to defend, deflect, control.
But.
Marriage vows do not call us to stand alone. Marriage proclaims: Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up (Ecclesiastes 4:9).
Over 46 years, we have weathered our share of seasons of change – some with great difficulty – some with great joy. Our current season incorporates my husband’s progressive illness that now spans nearly a decade. It rips and tears at the fibers of our intimacy, our equal partnership, our love. It is a season that stretches our understanding of necessary surrenders, forgiveness and radical love. It is a place where I have been challenged to embrace the words that go against the fiber of a heart conditioned early in life to fight and flee, defend its ground, overrule and control.
As the disease ravages the mind and body of the only man I have ever loved, every new episode of change calls my wounded heart to battle.
Contemplation of a future alone instigates terror and a paralyzing fear that often keeps me from moving toward him with kindness, openness and hope. I struggle with the urge to protect myself…control an outcome I do not want to face: But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up (Ecclesiastes 4:10).
Any marriage that spans that four decades has seen its share of the dichotomy reflected in the vows we so innocently – but sincerely – repeated on our wedding day:
Better/worse
Richer/poorer
Sickness/health
To have and to hold from this day forward – as long as we both shall live (life/death).
Today I want to invite and receive all my husband longs to give, in any way he can give – to have him and hold him from this day forward as long as we both shall live…with no regrets for foolishly letting go of him before it is required.
Help me, Jesus. Help me.
Christine Browning is a lover of story—including her own. She loves to hear and longs to respond well to others’ stories. A late bloomer in the field of education, it is her absolute delight to teach at Milligan College in East Tennessee. She also counsels women who have experienced trauma and abuse. Christine is the mother of three adult children, three incredible grandchildren and has been married for 42+ years to her delightfully playful husband, Tom.
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Christine – I love the raw words you use to so accurately describe your journey. Thanks for putting your heart out there which is always so good for my soul. And, I’ve whispered a prayer on behalf of you and your husband. Shalom today!
Thank you for the encouragement of your words, and particularly for your prayer. Christine
So tenderly written as you express the cry of your heart. So sorry for the failing health of your husband and the weight of uncertainty it carries into your daily life. I love the intentionality of your heart to stay close to give of yourself and to receive what is given to you…such a picture of the promise made 46 years ago and still stands today💜MJ
MJ thank you for seeing both the uncertainty and intentionality of my present journey. I think it is a dichotomy we all face with different scenarios as we journey through this life. Looking so forward to seeing you next month. Love, Christine
Oh Christine, this is so painful…and beautiful, all at the same time. I love your determination to hang on with no regrets – you are an incredibly woman!
Thank you for the kindness of your words, friend. They feed me.
Dear Christine….I am so very sorry for this battle you and your husband are called to fight together in. You put it brilliantly: “As the disease ravages the mind and body of the only man I have ever loved, every new episode of change calls my wounded heart to battle.” I am called to remember and pray for both of you. I trust that I will one day fight the battle you are fighting or Dan will be fighting on my behalf. It’s like we are living in a world with a time bomb waiting to drop. I am watching your faith and tenacity and it is so very lovely. Thank you for your fight and for your words that stun me to my knees.
Becky, your words encourage me to keep looking to the One Who “trains my hands for war.” We are all called to battle in different ways…some battles seen, some unseen. It is so empowering to know you pray for us. I return that gift and am so thankful that we do not face the scourge alone! Love to you and Dan.
“As the disease ravages the mind and body of the only man I have ever loved, every new episode of change calls my wounded heart to battle.”
What a beautiful, heart-wrenching statement. I pray that our Father will wrap you in His loving arms and strengthen you for the task each day.
Thank you, thank you for your kind and mighty prayers. They are the fuel that feed my faith.