My 33-year-old son will be released from prison in November. So I am now in the throes of trying to figure things out: where he will live, work etc. Josh is adopted and was long awaited for. He was everything Iād hoped for. Through the years, which included a very painful divorce, my heart was to protect him and to nurture all the wonderful potential he held.
He went to prison four years ago. I am thankful to say that he is coming out a changed man. It is not because of the prison system, but because while inside, he came to know Christ. He said, āWhat a shame it took this.ā So, for that, I am grateful, but for all else, not so much.
No mother wants to go bed at night knowing her child is in prison. And for a large chunk of his time, he was in medium/maximum security prison. I couldn’t go visit very often for lack of money, but it was very difficult when I did. There was the classic clanging of doors, the metal detectors, and the guard accompaniment for everything.
I could get distracted in describing that whole experience but that isn’t the point. My point is that while he was in there, I felt I was there with him. Every horrific experience Iāve seen in the movies or reported on TV came to my mind in the darkness of night. I would seek the Lord, ask Him to please take my thoughts and calm my heart. He was faithful to do so and He has kept Josh safe thus far.
Another phenomenon I am noticing presently is, as his release gets closer, people are resenting my thoughts because I am focused on him. Forgive me, but I want to shake them. My son is in prison! Those are words I never dreamed that I’d sayā¦not in a million years. I have pushed this reality from my mind just to deal with it. And now, at last, he is soon to be released and my heart soars.
My family has tried to be supportive, but this is a walk only Josh and I have traveled. My mama’s heart ripped wide at that first phone call, and it has never really healed. When I see him walk out, free, I will rest.
This has been a painful experience. I have been asked to join support groups with people going through what I was. I declined. I knew those individuals. Some were convinced their loved one was innocent and imprisoned falsely. Others were dedicated to weekly visitation and care packages. I, on the other hand, wanted to live in denial for a good long time. Yet once I came to accept the truth of it, I just wanted to be there for Josh. You see, I knew Josh did something that required him to go to prison. I began to write to him oftenā¦I still do. I am not embarrassed to say so. It was his actions, not mine. He is my son still and I love him.
Because of Christ, Josh is a new creation. He can leave all the rubble of his past and go forward, walking with the Lord.
In recalling my visitations with Josh I am struck by the fact that the majority of visitors are women. There were mothers, girlfriends, wives, and daughters. I feel blessed that my husband made those visits with me. You see, he has been Joshās dad for only 7 years. I was not all alone. My heart goes out to all the women who are bearing this burden. There is a lot of shame attached to imprisonmentā¦I know this first hand.
Today I am glad to know that, “He heals the brokenhearted
And binds up their wounds.” ~ Psalm 147:3. He has certainly done this for me and I suspect so for Josh.
Leslie McCarthy has recently moved to Vancouver, WA and loves it. She is enjoying being farther north with the rain, geese and greenery. She is married to Renaissance Man, gifted to her from the Lord in a very special way, and that’s another story…
Hi Leslie – I’m glad your son will soon be free and that you’ll be a family – together – again at last. I can only imagine how hard this has been for you as a mom. We love our kids – no matter how old they are – because they’re still our children – no matter their age and no matter what they’ve done or not done.
Others cannot understand because they have not walked in your shoes. I’m finding this to be true of so many things in life. Perhaps this is why Jesus was drawn to the broken-hearted – He knew they needed support that others, perhaps, could not or would not give. You have been through a unique experience that God will surely use to help others. Thank you for sharing from your mother’s heart. It was a joy to read your honest, heart-felt words. And your husband sounds like a blessing to you and your son.
Thanks very much for your comment Barbara, so very appreciated. Some things only another mom can understand. š
It was his actions, not mine. He is my son still, and I love him.. I believe those words
will carry you as your son returns home and life will go on for both of you. Both of your
lives have taken on a new chapter and there are more chapters yet to be written.
Only God knows what they will read….I pray that healing will continue ….and His
work will grow out of the pain you have both experienced. Your words have touched
a tender place in my heart this morning.
Thank you Elaine, I appreciate what you said about more chapters, I’m trusting the Lord for that. Thank you for your prayers as well, blessings to you this morning. š
I love the honesty of your mother’s heart here…it is real and you have faced that reality courageously. Thank you for your entry today.
Thank you Mary Jane, I so appreciate your comment, and those of others, blesses my heart and helps not to feel so alone in this. God bless you. š
Thank you for your honest, heart felt message today. My son was involved with drugs for a while, and though he did not have to sit in prison, it still was hard to face others in my family that thought less of him. We as moms (and dads) have a bond with our children that no one can take away! I thank God that He too has a special bond with His children.
Thank you Sharon, you ladies that have commented mean so very much to me. I’m so glad your son is not involved with drugs any longer!! And I feel like it’s that old thing of, “I can say things to him….but no one else better!” lol That “mom thing” never goes away. š God bless you. š
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What a beautiful risk you took in writing. Thank you. As a woman who has visited a loved one in prison and loves his “free” mother who has carried the shame and the burden of a son in prison I especially appreciated your post. Praying for you and Josh in the months ahead.
We are in a unique sisterhood BCABELL, thank you so much for your comment. I have always felt the shame was his, he is my son no matter what, and he is paying for his crime. That said, as you well know, there are so many issues involved. I cannot tell you how I appreciate your prayers, and again for your comment. š