I guess March has always been a month of “Becoming” for me. My birthday is in March, I became a teacher in March, I became a fiancé last March, and this March, I am in the process of becoming something completely new.
I am becoming a mother. A mom. Mommy. I am beginning to really show now, and I am starting to cry at the drop of a hat and completely overreact to life. I am starting to plan and think and become a mother.
I am not a patient person. I want the answer, the change, the “becoming” to happen quickly. I am not someone who waits, and wonders and rests. I am someone who does something until it’s figured out or fixed or I’ve become whatever I’m becoming.
Becoming a mother, or I guess, more specifically, the act of becoming a mother through pregnancy is hard for me. It is taking forever! I have days where I don’t feel pregnant, my energy level is normal, and I am doing well. Then those days come when I am over run by hormones, tears, bloating, and the realization that I am larger and cannot do what I once did. And those are the days when becoming a mother and growing a child is not for me.
It’s so difficult to just rest and let things happen, especially for me. I will usually make it happen, or if I can’t make it happen, I can find a bazillion activities to use to cope and become and distract. This is different. I can’t rush this baby. I can’t forget about it for a while. I can’t distract myself from what I am becoming because I can’t leave it. I can’t go see a movie to have two hours of mindlessness, the child goes with me, and kicks me, and makes it uncomfortable to sit. I can’t go buy a new shirt, because the ones I like, well, they aren’t maternity. I can’t go for a long run, because people stare at the pregnant lady running. I can’t distract myself from what I am becoming.
And I guess that’s part of becoming. Just resting in it and trusting the process. My counselor reminds me to “Trust the process and sit in it”. I want to hit her when she says that because it seems impossible. But becoming a mother is a process. It’s 40 weeks of knowledge, fear, growth, tears, laugher, more tears, a new body, new feelings, and tears. And did I mention the tears?!?! And the hardest part is that I cannot rush it. Much as the caterpillar cannot rush the whole cocoon process, I cannot rush this, and as scary as it is, and as much as I want to know what happens on the other side, I have to be patient. I cannot force it. It’s plain and simple, this time I must trust the process of becoming and learn to wait.
So I guess instead of becoming a mother, I becoming a patient person, who can wait, who will wait, and who is learning to rest. And, I am willing to bet I can use these gifts once baby comes, too.
Kacy Davis lives in Fort Worth, Texas with her husband, Collin. She is a special education teacher and advocate of those with special needs and loves her job. She spends her time riding bikes with her husband, running, reading, and enjoying those she loves. Kacy believes in reinventing what it means to be a woman and wife who loves the Lord and longs to help others learn to love the Lord with abandon, freedom, and a greater understanding of grace. She writes here.
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Patience is hard!
I can remember those days of feeling big and uncomfortable and the hormones and crying at the drop of a hat. I also remember for the last of our three babies, beginning to cry in the examining room because I was so overdue for this baby. All three of our babies were late – from ten days to three weeks – I guess they needed extra time to grow. Baby number three was the three weeks late baby.
As I cried, I remember the doctor saying, “This, too, shall pass.” Looking back at that time I wonder what had me so wound up and emotional about baby number three being so late? Was it that I couldn’t plan accordingly? Was it that I wasn’t getting enough rest? Was it all the unknowns? Was it that my patience was running out?
All of our children were overdue, but healthy. Perhaps God was using pregnancy to teach me patience. He has so many lessons to teach me in this life. I’m sure He wasn’t wasting this pregnancy time but was using it as a classroom as well.
I hope your pregnancy continues to go well and believe me, you’ll fit into those cute shirts again!! I also hope when you look back upon this time that it was a happy, growing time and that you can see that He was there with you and at work in you this whole time. God’s blessings to you!
What a great moment of revelation for you! Way to go. Yes, you will be able to use those lessons when baby arrives, but I am on the other end, facing retirement, and moles showing up uninvited, and becoming all new, an older woman, with the same degree of surprise and lack of understanding or knowledge about what is happening to my body. So those lessons continue, and learning to rest in it is still hard, but God is faithful, and that is what He is teaching us all the way along, isn’t it. Thank you. This was a revelation to me today. 🙂
I love who you are becoming! What wonderful moments to look forward to as life unfolds before your eye. Blessing my dear one.
Such a beautiful space of becoming you are in Kacy. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
LOL what a cute ending that is also so very true 😉 I needed those words and I will be borrowing those wise words of your counselor, as I “trust the process and sit in it”. I am very encouraged by your writing. Thank you for sharing!