I guess March has always been a month of “Becoming” for me. My birthday is in March, I became a teacher in March, I became a fiancé last March, and this March, I am in the process of becoming something completely new.
I am becoming a mother. A mom. Mommy. I am beginning to really show now, and I am starting to cry at the drop of a hat and completely overreact to life. I am starting to plan and think and become a mother.
I am not a patient person. I want the answer, the change, the “becoming” to happen quickly. I am not someone who waits, and wonders and rests. I am someone who does something until it’s figured out or fixed or I’ve become whatever I’m becoming.
Becoming a mother, or I guess, more specifically, the act of becoming a mother through pregnancy is hard for me. It is taking forever! I have days where I don’t feel pregnant, my energy level is normal, and I am doing well. Then those days come when I am over run by hormones, tears, bloating, and the realization that I am larger and cannot do what I once did. And those are the days when becoming a mother and growing a child is not for me.
It’s so difficult to just rest and let things happen, especially for me. I will usually make it happen, or if I can’t make it happen, I can find a bazillion activities to use to cope and become and distract. This is different. I can’t rush this baby. I can’t forget about it for a while. I can’t distract myself from what I am becoming because I can’t leave it. I can’t go see a movie to have two hours of mindlessness, the child goes with me, and kicks me, and makes it uncomfortable to sit. I can’t go buy a new shirt, because the ones I like, well, they aren’t maternity. I can’t go for a long run, because people stare at the pregnant lady running. I can’t distract myself from what I am becoming.
And I guess that’s part of becoming. Just resting in it and trusting the process. My counselor reminds me to “Trust the process and sit in it”. I want to hit her when she says that because it seems impossible. But becoming a mother is a process. It’s 40 weeks of knowledge, fear, growth, tears, laugher, more tears, a new body, new feelings, and tears. And did I mention the tears?!?! And the hardest part is that I cannot rush it. Much as the caterpillar cannot rush the whole cocoon process, I cannot rush this, and as scary as it is, and as much as I want to know what happens on the other side, I have to be patient. I cannot force it. It’s plain and simple, this time I must trust the process of becoming and learn to wait.
So I guess instead of becoming a mother, I becoming a patient person, who can wait, who will wait, and who is learning to rest. And, I am willing to bet I can use these gifts once baby comes, too.
Kacy Davis lives in Fort Worth, Texas with her husband, Collin. She is a special education teacher and advocate of those with special needs and loves her job. She spends her time riding bikes with her husband, running, reading, and enjoying those she loves. Kacy believes in reinventing what it means to be a woman and wife who loves the Lord and longs to help others learn to love the Lord with abandon, freedom, and a greater understanding of grace. She writes here.