I want to return, but I am afraid.
I left without much explanation. It felt complicated.
My desire for connection was replaced with a desperate need for protection.
Isolation felt like the only option, and now it feels like I have been gone for too long.
I find myself repeatedly rehearsing my re-entry speech, but it all sounds like riddles. I don’t think they will understand. I know they do not agree with my choices.
What have they been saying about me? My stomach is in knots.
Will my eyes meet smiles, or faces of disappointment and rejection?
Surely they all hate me now.
How did you find the courage to do it?
Did you feel paralyzed with anxiety as you forced your body to walk home?
I wonder if your eyes were sheepishly surveying the horizon as you rehearsed what you would say.
Did you feel a lump in your throat, a racing heart, and sweaty palms?
I wonder if your body braced in fear when you noticed someone was running toward you.
Oh, what relief you must have felt when you saw those familiar, smiling eyes!
How did it feel when you saw your father running towards you, eyes tender, arms spread wide?
Did all the anxiety melt away as your body settled into the longed-for embrace?
I can only imagine how the words, “Welcome Back!” echoed in your soul.
How did it feel to have safety and connection restored?
Gosh, I long for that.
Do you think that could be possible for me too?
Risking to Return,
Wrestling for Hope.
This Red Tent woman has requested to remain anonymous. We applaud her courage to risk sharing this part of her story with our community, it is our privilege to honor and protect her identity.
I went through this experience in my life long ago. I was ashamed, embarrassed by the choices I had made. I followed a path that was destroying me , but I didn’t realize it was destroying them , too, by staying away. but when I returned, nervous, scared, not knowing what to expect I was greeted with love..my first reaction to seeing my dad was a great sadness for what I had put him through by staying away..he aged considerably and I knew a lot of that had to do with me..the worry, the pain of not knowing who, what or where I was. I never realized what I was leaving in the wake of what I was doing with my life and who it was affecting. My family lived day to day, expecting to one day receive a call stating I had died..although I was alive physically, inside I was dead..I needed to be loved, I didn’t know Just how much I was loved , unconditionally. I was embraced, they smiled, hugged and wanted only to know if I was happy, content and cared for..the journey back has been long but worth every tear, every scar. The thing that took the longest to regain, were my emotions. I lost them and it scared me to realize how much I couldn’t feel..no tears, no laughter, no compassion…but, God is good all the time and has a plan for us. Today I am living out that plan..the journey will continue until He takes me home….you, my friend, are loved.