For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” 1 Corinthians 13:12
My friend Rita, a worship artist I adore came to encourage and speak to a small group of women who were gathered at my house. She surprised us all with a letter and a prophetic word. Hope and tears filled the eyes of my treasured friends as Rita spoke words straight from the heart of God to their hearts.
I was the last one to receive my word for the evening. Rita said, “Megan I was talking to the Lord and He said the word grubbing. Grubbing is the removal of roots that may remain in the soil. This includes the removal of all logs, brush, and debris, as well as the grinding and removal of stumps and proceeds construction.” She went on to say, “The Lord has always fully known you but you have not fully known you.”
Secretly, I was disappointed with my word. Clearing the land? Removing stumps? Making space? I have not fully known me? All of the words made me a bit exhausted and surprised. I recorded the word on my phone and tucked it away.
I was in a season of sweet intimacy with Jesus. I woke up every morning and felt like He was hovering and waiting patiently for me to awaken so we could have more conversation, play, and worship. I heard his voice with such clarity. I would talk and weep and laugh while running, doing the dishes, folding laundry, and on long hikes. I felt like I was being wooed by Him daily. The balm of His presence was healing the deep places in me.
And then about 10 months later I was on a run. As I rounded a steep hill in our sub-division I began to sense a nudging that it was time to return to counseling. I had been to a week-long intensive where Dan Allender said, “true healing happens when we tell our story with particularity in the presence of another person.” This was terrifying to me. The counseling office had been a place of nothing but trauma and unspeakable harm. I couldn’t imagine telling so many parts of my story and for sure not in the presence of another person.
I began to weep. What? I started pleading with God – “But what if…”
I went home and emailed a lady that had been recommended to me earlier that year. I laid my head on my desk and started to wail. In some ways I felt like I was being passed off by God. He seemed like the perfect counselor.
Five months later I walked into a counseling office for the first time in years. I didn’t imagine I would go often, after all I just had a few lingering things to address. But all hell broke loose in me. Could I trust? I stared deep into the eyes of the lady sitting across from me and watched every expression and move she made. Would this time be any different? Really?
Week after week I entered, perched at the very end of her couch. Never wanting to get to comfortable in case I had to make a mad dash out the door. My lips would quiver, my insides tremble. I would leave and go to my car and scream “I am never coming back here again.” There was a holy revolt inside of me. But again there was a wooing. Something was different. Someone was leaning in and calling to me, “Where are you?” Sometimes I don’t have words, sometimes I slip away to a safer space inside of me and need to gently be asked to come back.
The most courageous thing I can do is to keep showing up and clearing space in the deepest terrain of my heart.
Stumps, roots, grinding, debris making space. My eyes are being opened to the deeply embedded root of the lies I have believed and they are being rewritten with truth. My calloused hands keep working the hoe to clear the debris that trauma has ravaged my life with. My knees are worn and my nails are full of the soil of contempt and self-hatred that I have literally had to dig in and wrestle with and turn over and over.
Grubbing has been a holy, costly, and laborious work, but each week I am still bringing myself to this space. This space is where I have seen the face of Jesus through another human being, this space is where I bring my younger parts who need so much care. In this space I am beginning to fully know who I am.
Megan thrives alongside her husband of 15 years in Colorado. She is the mother of six children. While walking faithfully with friends, Megan co-hosts a marriage conference, a Christmas show, and a songwriter’s retreat. She loves Hot Tamales and Essential oils. She is a natural gatherer and organizer. You’ll find her listening to audio books while doing laundry and Costco runs.
Powerful, helpful and EXACTLY what I needed to read this morning. Thank you.
“The most courageous thing I can do is to keep showing up and clearing space in the deepest terrain of my heart.”
Lord, please bolster my courage, for my heart desperately needs clearing and healing.
Jen – I bless your heart and desire for more – Yes to your heart being bolstered with a new courage and to the holy work of clearing and healing… Thanks for your sweet, timely encouragement.
Every word resonates, and I am grateful you have voiced your “grubbing” process…and, in obediently, honestly doing so, voiced that of so many of us. This is a word picture I will carry near and dear. Thank you for this DEEP GIFT of your story brought into the light.
Lacey -my heart… thank you. Thankful for your eyes that see and your ears that hear – may the picture sink deep and the light continue to illuminate.
Lacey… my heart – thank you! May the picture continue to penetrate the deep places of your heart… and the light continue to illuminate.
So beautiful💛
Thank you Rebecca!
You are full of tender courage in the grubbing. ♡
Jill – thanks for seeing the tenderness and me.
At times we all need to be grubbers. Some a little. Some a lot. Thanks for the reminder – the work is a journey.
Bess – thank you… a holy journey it is!
Wonderful article Megan, such a real insight this morning. I’ve felt absolutely useless in counseling and exhausted with sharing–and I do go in and out of needing to share. I’m in NOCO!
Thank you! Cheering you on … keep going – one breath, one step, one minute at the time. What is NOCO?
Tenacious, holy, tender grubbing. Stunning Megan. I’m in tears. Thank you for your calloused hands and courageous heart that keep showing up.
Rachel… meeting other grubbers upon the land makes the hard work a little more bearable… calloused hands, dirty nails and all. So thankful for you and your beautiful stunning heart. Lets have a bonfire with all the roots and stumps! I’ll stike the match – you bring the marshmallows.
As a friend, I have been with Megan in grubbing! It’s worth the hard work. Megan is brave with holding the hoe and at times wanting to throw the hoe deep into the forest. Yet…she keeps digging deep in the dirt. I love to fall on my knees and help her work on digging the deep roots. Keep grubbing …my friend! Soon you will be passing your grudging skills on to others.
Sweet Dee – you have been such a dear friend to me – you have watched me whip that hoe so many times and have encouraged me to pick it back up- thanks for opening the massage table , the deep belly laughs, and for reaching down in the soil with me – you my friend are a rare gem.
“There was a holy revolt inside of me. But again there was a wooing. Something was different. Someone was leaning in and calling to me, “Where are you?” Sometimes I don’t have words, sometimes I slip away to a safer space inside of me and need to gently be asked to come back. The most courageous thing I can do is to keep showing up and clearing space in the deepest terrain of my heart.”
Megan, seriously the truest description of the counseling experience I’ve ever read. You aptly named the juxtapositions one encounters in the hard yet holy work. Kudos to you for choosing to keep showing up. May your grubbing prepare the soil of your heart and life for new and abundant growth.
Susan -Thank you – your words and encouragement always sinks deep… yes to new and abundant growth! Hard and holy it is.
Megan…thank you for being brave. Your journey. Your cost of the grubbing will be, I think, redeemed many, many, many times over. Thank you. I have the greatest respect for all your hard and amazing work.
Becky – thank you. Your words mean a lot. The work that you and Dan are doing has given me such rich language to excavate. Appreciate you!