Sometimes, it seems like a dream –
a bad dream, catalogued in three years of notes in my therapist’s office –
but a dream nonetheless.
I wake up, my brain dull and fuzzy.
I know it’s only a matter of time
until someone pushes the button –
the one I can’t ever access myself –
and I’ll be barefoot and crying,
standing in our cold garage, looking for
something – anything – to help me
don’t lose control.
i think i’m going to explode.
adrenaline surges, but I have nowhere to run and no one
Something always has to give.
On a good day, it’s scraps of cardboard, torn to shreds
and put tidily back in the recycling bin. Or
a Mason jar sacrificed from the kitchen cabinet
– smash them in a bucket, I’ve learned.
Then come the tears.
Heaving sobs I can’t get to except
by breaking through the tough casing
that holds me speechless and combative.
The worst days leave behind shards of condemnation –
these I can’t take to the trash bin so easily.
what’s wrong with you?
aren’t you better yet?
can’t you hold it together?
you’ll never escape this.
They’re like a mean bullies, kicking me while I’m down.
Breathing reminds me I’m still standing.
Breathe out… 1,2,3,4…
feel the floor.
feel your feet.
you are safe.
you are here.
you are loved.
Bedraggled, exhausted, tear stained,
I crawl out of the thin space
and return to today.
Annelise Roberts is a woman sifting through wreckage for the foundation that still remains. Writing is group therapy for her inner committee. She is more certain of less things than ever before but clings to the hope of truth and beauty. She is the wife of a patient, kind man who loves her persistently, and mother to three small boys who give her motivation to get out of bed each day, and ensure that she never sleeps.
Annelise, thank you for sharing. Condemnation is like mean bullies kicking you while your down. What a descriptive picture. And then the Truth…you are safe, you are loved….
Oh yeah, oh yeah, this is so good, so raw and honest. Thank you!
Beautifully written. Self-Condemnation is the worst, “The worst days leave behind shards of condemnation
these I can’t take to the trash bin so easily.” Blessings to you.
Thank you for sharing this interior battle that all of us wrestle with at some level. I really appreciate your honesty.
“Aren’t you better yet” my heart pains for you and the evil in this statement. I too have often heard this lie in my head and feared that is what others are thinking. Are they tired of hearing this, yet I never tire of hearing other people engage their story. You are doing great work. Praying for goodness over your body as you release the trauma and survival stored in it. Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing your story. It matters, you matter.
Isn’t that a funny thing? I am happy to listen to others but quick to assume they’re tired of listening. That somehow there is a timeline on healing and a limit to how much space I can take up. It’s a constant unlearning process…
Beautifully written with honest emotion. Life is a process and a journey. Praying you find more good than bad days, but understanding the existence of both – sometimes together. God is patient with us so we can be patient with ourselves. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. The enemy is always quick to torment us and then accuse and condemn us for feeling tormented. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Thankful that these days are few and far between now, but it makes them feel even worse when they happen. It’s so easy to doubt that there has been change and growth when things feel wobbly all over again. Thanks for the kind words.
I so understand that!
I am my own worst enemy. I can never get away from myself. Sometimes I have to just tell myself to S.T.O.P.
I carry this quote with me always and repeat it to myself frequently: ‘You is kind. You is smart. You is important.’, ‘ Ever morning, until you dead in the ground, you gone have to make this decision.
God’s blessings to you.