My Inmost Being

I asked God for a memory
I wanted to understand me

Then I saw me
A little me
Maybe five? Six?
Our cat had died
I needed to hide
In the family room there were some cards
Birthday cards? Christmas cards?
I took one from a table
To put my face behind
I cried

I still see me
Behind the card
Stuck inside
Timidity
Insecurity
Wrestling
Endlessly

I wanted to ask Him
To help me, comfort me, heal me
But I’m tense
Why?
Oh
I’m afraid
That He won’t speak to me
Because He doesn’t notice me

His words begin to come
Slowly, yet surely
They always do
I forget
My memory is so short

I saw you
I see you
My eyes never ever leave you

I have a memory too
Of you
My memory is long
It goes back
Way before yours begin
In the secret place
In the dark
It was just us there
I saw your inmost being
Being formed
As I formed you
Wonderful
Marvelous
You

I see through
Into you
What happens deep inside of you
Is what matters to me
MOST

I’m ready
I don’t want to hide me anymore
I want to come out from behind
Stand up INSIDE
I will praise you with all of my inmost being

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Jaime Roop is a freshly turned 40-year-old navigating a mid-life journey towards coming out of her shell.  She is a hearing 4’11’’ Highly Sensitive Person happily mismatched to her deaf 6’2” computer genius husband.  They are raising three blonde blue eyed school age girls in small town Alabama. She earned her MA in counseling and still loves to delve into all matters of heart and heartache, however currently she loves doing her dream job as an American Sign Language interpreter.

 

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