*This post is from a sexual abuse survivor, it may be triggering for some readers.
Before my first-ever game of hopscotch, I was sacrificed at the altar of your desires. Baptized in pain then drowned in the depths of your hands.
You thought you had crushed me, you believed with an evil glee that you had destroyed me. What you did not realize was that one-by-one, you awakened a tribe of girls, a tribe of women within me. Warriors of justice, protectors of truth, lovers of my soul.
That darkness in which you groped for power? That darkness you thought snuffed out my light? Oh how deceived you were. That darkness was where I first heard whispers of His love. Where I first saw the sunlight of His Spirit shining under the crack in the door.
You spat lies at me. Lies that penetrated my mind. Lies I have made my burdens to carry. But while you deluded me, He sang songs of truth over me. Lullabies for my heart He sang to me while He held me in His arms of Love.
You knew I was a fighter so you shushed me into silence.
I took your weakness as strength and so I feared you.
You traded your soul for my body, shed your shame and guilt like the skin of a snake, biting me with your venomous fangs to transfer your sins to me.
I have found the anti-venom, it has been within me all along. The Healer was applying the salve even before your first strike. Safe inside the cedar closet of my heart. Sprouting in the greenhouse of my soul. Waiting for the day I believed I was worthy of saving.
I can not bear to drink it all at once. Some days I take small sips, other days I gulp it like it is cold water for the desert inside of me. Each time it touches my lips, I realize I can see the world a little more clearly.
The stars are brighter, the birdsong is sweeter, the leaves of the trees greener and I am getting stronger.
Another curious thing happens as I receive this communion. My hands open, my jaw unclenches, my shoulders relax and I begin to feel forgiveness for you. I begin to feel compassion for you because I know it is the wounded that wound. Oh what you must have endured.
I have been set free from my cage by the hand of Love. Are you still locked away? A prodigal believing you must forever eat with the swine? There is a place already set for you at His table. As for me, I am picking up my crown from where you knocked it off its rightful place. I now know it was never meant to remain hidden in that dark corner. You stole my innocence but you did not steal my identity. Where you broke me, He will mend me. My Creator makes broken things beautiful. I am beautiful. I have been born again.
Holly is a rainbow in a world of neutrals. A lover of tacos, rainbows and massive amounts of coffee. Holly digs naps and cuddling with her people which include her hunky hubby and six awesome children. Mourning with those who mourn and rejoicing with those who rejoice is one of Holly’s greatest passions. As a fierce lover of nature, she uses her work as a Forest Therapy guide to aid in her own healing journey as well as offering the healing power of creation to others in her community.
Holly, I’m so sorry for the abuse you suffered and have had to overcome in your life. Your writing is powerful. You’ve juxtaposed strength with tenderness, sorrow with joy, defeat with triumph. The lines, “I have found the anti-venom, it has been within me all along. The Healer was applying the salve even before your first strike. Safe inside the cedar closet of my heart. Sprouting in the greenhouse of my soul. Waiting for the day I believed I was worthy of saving,” are powerful. You are a warrior. A princess. An overcomer. Thank you for so bravely sharing a part of your story with us. God’s blessings to you as you continue to drink deeply of His love.
Holly, you have rocked my morning with your life, heart and “hell no” to evil. Your writing is stunning. I especially love this: “You traded your soul for my body, shed your shame and guilt like the skin of a snake, biting me with your venomous fangs to transfer your sins to me.
I have found the anti-venom, it has been within me all along. The Healer was applying the salve even before your first strike. Safe inside the cedar closet of my heart. Sprouting in the greenhouse of my soul. Waiting for the day I believed I was worthy of saving.
I can not bear to drink it all at once. Some days I take small sips, other days I gulp it like it is cold water for the desert inside of me. Each time it touches my lips, I realize I can see the world a little more clearly.”
Keep writing! Thank you. Thank you.
From one survivor to another—thank you for your incredible vulnerability. I am honored to be part of a community you trust to share a piece of your story with. Your journey gives me hope.
Your writing is beautiful. I particularly loved this description:
“What you did not realize was that one-by-one, you awakened a tribe of girls, a tribe of women within me. Warriors of justice, protectors of truth, lovers of my soul.”
It at once is both a perfect description, and a blessing upon how your soul coped with the trauma. I look forward to when I will be able bless my own tribe, too.
Yes and Amen. You’ve touched my sad heart with beauty and hope. Thank you!