I stood there baffled as two blue lines appeared on the Walgreens pregnancy test. I struggled to find words as I called Chris into the bathroom. About eight pregnancy tests later, I poured out my beer, over ate pizza and spent the night on the couch. To my disbelief we were now a party of three. On that frozen January evening I felt upturned with the idea of a baby rupturing my sense of normalcy.
The September before we got pregnant Chris and I decided to begin formally trying to conceive, a choice that allowed our spirits to rest in desire. We followed that plan until reality and nerves set in, causing us to drift away from our precious wish. It was less than a month following our choice to start a family when The Anchor House flooded, placing a heavy weight on our shoulders. So, we choose to delay all ideas of starting a family.
I’ve learned that at times we run the hardest from what we desperately desire, we become afraid to let our hearts breathe in the fresh air of life. Yet, when we run from the wild heart of God, He still deeply pursues us.
The next morning as Chris and I faced each other. Questioning how we would afford a baby? What would our time look like? How would a new life drastically change ours? We held the questions without answers.
Our unknowing led us to believe that the baby was part of God’s grand plan for our family. Despite the magnitude of the blessing, it took me several weeks to warm up to idea of becoming a mother. The rawness of a new responsibility resting inside my womb entrenched my heart to know a new depth of love. Yet, I feared how I’d navigate the change. Shame surrounded my ambivalence, turning my heart in to prayer and wonder.
We’re never ready for the leaps of life, the push of it happening leaves us little choice but to believe.
In my wondering, I pondered how I’d grow into a mother? How could I raise a child when I’d not known a suitable mother myself? What unearthing would take place within my soul and in the process who am I to become? In the face of this new journey, these questions arose and without hesitation answers came as I learned who I was all over again.
After birth, my labor pains quickly subsided and healing began. My external healing lasted a short six weeks but a deeper internal healing has continued, bringing a completeness to my womanly presiding. During these first four months with Asha, a new labor has now begun. I’m rediscovering the makeup of my heart through the art of motherhood. Despite the exhaustion of this transition, I am deeply alive. Like a container that cannot be shut, I’m bursting from the seams. While I’ve not yet found the answers to all the original questions, nor discovered complete understanding in the practical sense, I’m planted here with her. Together we are dancing to a new rhythm, allowing the joy and pain to birth us into our grandest roles as mother and daughter.
Anna is passionate, a lover of God and sunrises. She is a wanna be poet and pour over coffee connoisseur. And in her garden she grows Drift Roses (of all things). She is a Master Level Social Worker and a 200 Registered Yoga Teacher. In 2012, along with her husband Chris, she co-founded Restore One, an anti-trafficking ministry that serves men and boys. Journeying through her own recovery process, she understands that healing is a painful yet beautiful path we must take to receive freedom. Anna believes healing is possible for everyone. Anna enjoys throwing pottery, writing and teaching yoga and spending time with Chris.
Beautiful. Congratulations on your Asha. A glorious journey lies ahead!
thank you Claudia 🙂 blessings to you.
As a midwife, I loved the image of your 4 month Labor after the baby (including transition). So often women perceive that their birth as a mother is instantaneous. Thank you for keeping it real.
yes, over the past months it become clear that “labor” has just begun, as the mother within me is being birthed. blessings to you friend.
‘I’m rediscovering the makeup of my heart through the art of motherhood.” May you continue to wonder at all that is being revealed in your own heart as well as the precious connection you share with Asha.
Thank you Janet. I’m savoring this tender season of learning my baby and the new role we dance together in. loving every moment.
Hi Anna, for some unknown reason, my heart swelled and my eyes filled with tears as I read your last paragraph. Maybe it’s that I resonated so strongly with your statement, “allowed our hearts to rest in desire.” Or maybe, “…at times we run the hardest from what we desperately desire, we become afraid…” So you startled me when you shifted to your new reality of being “deeply alive,” of being “…a container that cannot be shut,” of “… bursting from the seams.” THIS is my desire. My heart aches and squeezes and spasms. I am not a mother, nor is it likely that I will be. Yet the ache and the desire remain to be birthed into a dance of relationship. And I did not truly know this until I read your post. Thus, my tears. Your words have ripped open a window that I thought was sealed and settled. Who knows where it will lead, but for now, I find I am grateful. Deeply grateful. May your blessings grow. Thank you.
Hey there dear friend, I’m so so thankful for the ways in which your heart is deeply alive. Glory to the ways in which we grow into the knowing of our deepest need. May you continue to blossom into that beautiful desire “to be birthed into a dance of relationship.”
In care,
Anna