The New Dance of Motherhood

I stood there baffled as two blue lines appeared on the Walgreens pregnancy test. I struggled to find words as I called Chris into the bathroom. About eight pregnancy tests later, I poured out my beer, over ate pizza and spent the night on the couch. To my disbelief we were now a party of three. On that frozen January evening I felt upturned with the idea of a baby rupturing my sense of normalcy.

The September before we got pregnant Chris and I decided to begin formally trying to conceive, a choice that allowed our spirits to rest in desire. We followed that plan until reality and nerves set in, causing us to drift away from our precious wish. It was less than a month following our choice to start a family when The Anchor House flooded, placing a heavy weight on our shoulders. So, we choose to delay all ideas of starting a family.

I’ve learned that at times we run the hardest from what we desperately desire, we become afraid to let our hearts breathe in the fresh air of life. Yet, when we run from the wild heart of God, He still deeply pursues us.

The next morning as Chris and I faced each other. Questioning how we would afford a baby? What would our time look like? How would a new life drastically change ours? We held the questions without answers.

Our unknowing led us to believe that the baby was part of God’s grand plan for our family.  Despite the magnitude of the blessing, it took me several weeks to warm up to idea of becoming a mother. The rawness of a new responsibility resting inside my womb entrenched my heart to know a new depth of love. Yet, I feared how I’d navigate the change. Shame surrounded my ambivalence, turning my heart in to prayer and wonder.

We’re never ready for the leaps of life, the push of it happening leaves us little choice but to believe.

In my wondering, I pondered how I’d grow into a mother? How could I raise a child when I’d not known a suitable mother myself? What unearthing would take place within my soul and in the process who am I to become? In the face of this new journey, these questions arose and without hesitation answers came as I learned who I was all over again.

After birth, my labor pains quickly subsided and healing began. My external healing lasted a short six weeks but a deeper internal healing has continued, bringing a completeness to my womanly presiding. During these first four months with Asha, a new labor has now begun. I’m rediscovering the makeup of my heart through the art of motherhood. Despite the exhaustion of this transition, I am deeply alive. Like a container that cannot be shut, I’m bursting from the seams. While I’ve not yet found the answers to all the original questions, nor discovered complete understanding in the practical sense, I’m planted here with her. Together we are dancing to a new rhythm, allowing the joy and pain to birth us into our grandest roles as mother and daughter.

Anna SmithAnna is passionate, a lover of God and sunrises. She is a wanna be poet and pour over coffee connoisseur. And in her garden she grows Drift Roses (of all things). She is a Master Level Social Worker and a 200 Registered Yoga Teacher. In 2012, along with her husband Chris, she co-founded Restore One, an anti-trafficking ministry that serves men and boys. Journeying through her own recovery process, she understands that healing is a painful yet beautiful path we must take to receive freedom. Anna believes healing is possible for everyone. Anna enjoys throwing pottery, writing and teaching yoga and spending time with Chris.