For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7 b (ESV)
A few weeks ago, we stayed with our friends at their lake house in Wisconsin. Everything about our time together was easy and inviting. We talked, walked, cooked and even colored together. It was wonderful to see them again after six years apart. They drove us to a new Marriott along the Little Chute River so Dan could work out before doing a simulcast at their church.
I was going to change quickly and meet Bill and Janet back in the lobby so we could savor every moment. I decided to brush my teeth before leaving the room and that’s when reality hit hard…really hard. The glimpse of myself in the mirror was shocking! It seemed I had aged ten years since leaving our friends’ guest room mirror. The fluorescent lights shining down showed every hair on the top of my head: dark and white! My skin looked yellow; I looked dull and ancient. I wasn’t sure if I could sit with my friends without despairing. I took a deep breath and silently praised our choice to have dim lighting in our master bath for the past twenty years.
Apparently, most people have the experience of forgetting what they look like and then glancing in a store mirror or window, shocked by the reflection. It’s happening to me more and more. I decided to talk about this with my new hair stylist—maybe Sean hadn’t noticed what my hair truly looks like!
He immediately understood my torturous feeling in the Marriott bathroom. He began talking about CRI (the color rendering index), which is a technical term denoting the quantitative measure of a light source to reveal the colors of an object in comparison with a natural light source. He stated that the least flattering light for your face is blue-ish light, and that’s what probably happened to me.
I couldn’t help but think of the Beatles song, “When I’m Sixty-Four.” Now that I’m past that age, I really feel the lyrics:
When I get older, losing my hair
Many years from now
Will you still be sending me a valentine
Birthday greetings, bottle of wine?
If I’d been out till quarter to three
Would you lock the door?
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I’m sixty-four?
I remember my father saying of a single woman he knew, “She has a great personality.” There was something about his tone that felt like he pitied her, but had to say something positive. No one told me, but I suspected that she wasn’t pretty.
The more I decay, the more I’m face to face with what I’ve always feared: once my beauty fades, I’m invisible, and far worse, I’m not wanted.
How many times do I need to read these words below?
Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. (2 Corinthians 4:16)
It is not enough to beat myself up for feeling so shallow, nor to repeatedly quote those words to my heart. Something more has to occur. It’s a dark fallacy to compare myself to women older or younger. Comparison leads only to despair or pride. I need more moments of humbling surprise.
We make our way to glory not step by step, but by a stumbling fall and misstep. Each moment I stumble over my foolishness, I have the possibility of falling into the arms of Jesus. It’s so odd. The more I struggle, the more He meets me with tender and unpredictable care. The more I receive His delight, the more His light shines in me and increases a beauty that I truly treasure.
If I equate my worth with my outward appearance, I’m on the losing side as I step closer to eternity. I’d be a fool to think that Dan’s or anyone’s love for me is based on the way I look. Besides, I don’t do that with my friends and family! My hope is that I will become more of the true “Becky”—a reflection of my creator and how He made me.
I keep singing that one refrain from the Beatles song. It dawned on me that I could sing it to Jesus as well. I have my questions, but what I hear from Him is that even at a quarter to three, the door is always open.
Becky Allender lives on Bainbridge Island with her loving, wild husband of almost 40 years. A mother and grandmother, she is quite fond of sunshine, yoga, Hawaiian quilting and creating 17th Century reproduction samplers. A community of praying women, loving Jesus, and the art of gratitude fill her life with goodness. She wonders what she got herself into with Red Tent Living! bs
Becky, I so identify with your words today…and needed the kind reminder. “Comparison leads only to despair or pride. I need more moments of humbling surprise.” This aging thing is truly humbling and calls me more and more to examine the heart of me before the heart of Him who sees me in ways I cannot fathom. Thank you for the reminder of His delight and love…and how our radiance of Him has opportunity to enhance our true beauty. I am also loving your book! I particularly like the invitations to write at the end of each essay. Sending much love to you and Dan, Christine
Dear Christine, thank you for writing a reply. It is how we can shine His love to others…from our heart. When we receive His love, we can be at peace more easily. And we send our love right back to you this season. I am glad that you are enjoying the book.
Yes! Yes! Yes! In the transition away from my colorist to letting God’s colors be revealed I often was startled by the gray-haired woman in the mirror. Like Christine, I too am reading your book, and delighting in the stunning love and tranquility that radiates from within you through the written word. Renee
Renee, I love your hair color! We don’t have much choice but to keep on going, no matter how we look! Thank you for your very kind words about my book. Thank you. Hugs across the many miles….
Becky, this brought tears to my eyes. How beautiful to think of you humming this Beetles tune to Jesus. Thank you for writing so vulnerably about the aging process. I long for women ahead of me (I’m about to embark on 40) to write with kindness, compassion and honesty about what’s coming, as we are simultaneously bombarded with remedies available to erase, slow-down or hide this process. I truly believe in my heart what you are saying here – that we become more and more beautiful with age as we become more human, more in touch with our glory and like you said able to rest in his arms as we stumble…that offers a huge sigh of relief to my body. Your book has been a treasure so far. Thank you for sharing you voice and stories…what a gift!
Dear Rachel, thank you for taking the time to reply. And, I will say to you what I say to my daughters…”Enjoy your young and gorgeous body NOW!!!! Thank you for your kind words about my book!!!
Oh my goodness! That very thing happened to me this weekend. I am in the process as Renee above of letting my grey hair “free” and I am often startled at the image I see in the mirror. I so long to be the kind of woman who can embrace what God has for me, I long to be the one who
can freely say ” It takes a LONG time to look this good!” I want that for all of us…..
Cindy
Dear Cindy, thanks for writing…and I love that you are letting your hair go “free”. I love your phrase: “It takes a long time to look this good!”
This aging process isn’t for the faint of heart… glory to glory indeed… falling upward as we go… I found myself seeing my softening … dimplely body in the mirror and felt disgust rising in my heart and and filling my thoughts … I have to choose to call this body more beautiful names… not because of how I look but for who I am… for all this body has given me and where it has taken me to so far… and will continue to be my vessel of transportation until this body reaches its full glory. Looking to finish this race with grit and grace!!!!
Singing with you Becky… what a beautiful chorus it can be!!!!
Dear Ro, thank you for writing. Yes!!! I hear you, sister! Let’s remind one another to finish this race with grit and grace! Let’s be grateful and kind to our bodies no matter what. Hey, I love your idea of having beautiful names to call your body!! Awesome!
You are radiant. And Becky.
Good words for me to read today. Thank you for your honesty
You are so welcome!
Oops, I completely missed your first line. Thank you. I certainly don’t always feel radiant…especially today…so your words are so, so appreciated.
Thank you thank you thank you Becky. I so need to remember to remember that God hasn’t taken His eyes off me just be cause my looks are long gone. I wish it didn’t matter that they’re gone. I’ll join in on the singing too. You’re always right on cue for my heart and I’m so glad I spotted this post today. Love Ali x
Dear Ali,
Thank you for responding. Oh..my…it’s something to be right on “cue” with your heart. So glad for that and we must trust more in more in His promises no matter what! Bless you.
When I think of you, Becky, I’m reminded of a story that Stasi tells at Captivating. Many years ago she was at a retreat and found herself utterly captivated by a woman in attendance; in fact, she found herself drawn to her and following her around. When she discovered the woman’s age, she had the epiphany that “it takes that long to become THAT beautiful.” I am utterly captivated by your beauty…it is radiant and ageless. Thank you for sharing your beautiful self with such transparency here.
Susan, oh my, thank you. It is a harrowing journey to age. No different for me than anyone else. I think that is what I like about getting older. So, so many things fall away and the older I become, the clearer I am about people not caring, not seeing, not noticing all the things I used to worry about. It is very freeing. We all become more alike…
Your honesty invites me to be more honest with myself about how I hold my beauty and what I believe. And I too need more moments of humbling surprise. Thank you.
Thanks Tracy. I wish I had not worried so much about other people noticing me… Actually most people never see anything that caused me to worry about. It’s truly time to let those thoughts go and just be…just love others….just love life.