I noticed the cashier was having trouble with the bulk food item I was trying to buy. I continued piling my items on the stand when she began to ask me questions: “Is it Manny’s mix? Is it $2.29 a pound?” I had no idea. She kept trying to figure out the mystery, and soon the woman bagging my groceries became involved too. The dreaded feeling of failure and blame jabbed its finger into my chest.
“I must have written the wrong item number on the tag,” I said. Each time they failed to find the item, I repeated, “I’m sorry; I must have written the wrong number.” Eventually this exchange with the sleuths at the cash register caused me to run to the bulk food section and take a photo of the name and item number.
When I returned, the mystery was still unsolved. I showed the cashier my phone, and she said, “Oh, you wrote down the right number; it’s just not in our system yet.” I replied, “I thought it was my fault.” She quickly responded, “Everybody always thinks it’s their fault!” Really? It’s not just me that goes to fear and blame? Is this how all of us go through life?
Last week, I awoke with such joy. Dan and I reflected on the goodness of our summer and our current life, and we were overwhelmed with gratitude. So many good things had happened and were happening. It felt important to name our blessings and relish in the beauty of the day and our lives. We felt so joyful that we wondered if there would be retaliation for our happiness. You know, goodness like that just doesn’t last. Too much joy certainly will cause the kingdom of darkness fury. Sure enough, that very next day fear returned.
Dan and I went to an outdoor concert with family and friends to celebrate his birthday. At the concert one of our grandsons, Van, was unable to put weight on his foot. The next day his other foot was in pain. The following day he could not walk at all! “What’s wrong with him?” I wondered. “Why are his parents taking him to their pediatrician? Why are they not rushing to Children’s Hospital?”
Questions continued to flood my mind: Why trust the first diagnosis? Is it because of me? Is it from my genes that this is happening? I felt like I was a fool to be so alive with joy. “Mockery haunts me. I should have realized trouble would come knocking,” I thought.
It was a very long week as we waited for the diagnosis. Dan and I didn’t want to bring more hardship to our daughter and son-in-law. The last thing they needed was to manage the grandparents and their fear. So, we prayed. We sent out an email so friends could pray. We read different possibilities for why Van couldn’t walk. One day, he was even unable to move one of his arms. We couldn’t believe what our grandson was suffering, and we cried.
Some moments we were overcome with fear. Some moments we hung on to hope. Some moments we were furious at the pediatrician who gave him the wrong diagnosis and then left town. Some moments time stood still.
What we both noticed was how much work it took to not turn to finding fault, especially blaming one’s self. In the face of uncertainty, it seems easier to slide to contempt than to wait and to remain open to what will unfold.
We now know our grandson’s diagnosis—a type of vasculitis called HSP (Henoch-Schonlein purpura (HSP) a form of blood vessel inflammation or vasculitis). It is easier now not to turn to catastrophic blame, but it is a daily, if not hourly, battle.
Years ago we were in Dublin and met a wise Irish man. I don’t recall too much of our conversation, but I do remember that he said, “Only Americans expect things to go well. Most of the people in the world don’t expect things to work out.” The result of the idealized expectation of constant goodness is that when things don’t work out, we need someone to blame.
It is said that there is no certainty in life but taxes and death. I’d like to add a third—blame. Our world is broken and filled with broken people. There are so many uncertainties in life. There are so many dreams that never come true. In our journey of being human, we either blame ourselves or someone else.
What if blame was swallowed up in love? What if all blame was absorbed and taken by the Beloved who never fails?
There is one truth I need more than any other in these days: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1a). Seldom do I know what to do to right the course of my day, and rarely can I simply snap myself out of worry. However, I can militantly stand against blame, knowing it is not only my greatest temptation, but it is also the way evil wants to turn heartache even darker.
It doesn’t take away our struggle for our grandson. It doesn’t make it easier to figure out the cost of bulk produce when it is not in the system. But it does enable me to stand against an easy out when I am tempted to suffer my own assault.
Becky Allender lives on Bainbridge Island with her loving, wild husband of 40 years. A mother and grandmother, she is quite fond of sunshine, yoga, Hawaiian quilting and creating 17th Century reproduction samplers. A community of praying women, loving Jesus, and the art of gratitude fill her life with goodness. She wonders what she got herself into with Red Tent Living! bs
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Oh Becky, how frightening it must have been waiting for a diagnosis…and even now to live with the knowledge of this new reality. I am praying for you and all concerned…particularly your grandson, Van.
I will take these wise words into my heart and remember them…they feed me today–“only Americans expect things to go well.” Being thankful for the rich bounty I have been given without harboring either resentment for what is lost or jealousy/covetousness over what others have that I do not is a necessary, daily exercise of faith for me. Thank you for this kind reminder. Love and hugs to you and Dan. Christine
Dear Christine, you know much better than I do about going down the unknown path of “why” or whose family genes contributed to this malady, etc. etc. etc. So, instead we pray, trust, hope, adjust our lives and allow our hearts to grieve the suffering we witness. It continues to break our hearts and Van’s parents are amazing parents shepherding all of us at this time. I pray unseen goodness is abounding as we watch Van suffer with aching joints and needing lots of rest and bruises all over his body. Please pray for his kidneys.
There you go again! So good. Book! Book! And, I am grieved to hear of Van’s little body going through this – – praying now.
Thank you Jan. You know the heartache a diagnosis can bring to a entire family. Thank you for you prayers …. and for your encouragement. Love from me to you.
My heart aches for what you are experiencing with your grandson. I understand that fear with my own grandchildren…it can be paralyzing. So many unanswered questions. Thank you for your honest words that speak volumes into blame and the realization that I, too, wait for the other shoe to drop…and eventually it does. Prayer and love coming your way💜MJ
Thank you Mary Jane, I know you get this. When I shared with a friend at yoga last week, I unexpectedly broke down and cried in public with people walking by! She listened and was so kind to tell me how hard it was for her mother when her son was diagnosed with diabetes. She said, “Becky, as a grandparent you suffer for your grandson, but also for you daughter and son-in-law and Van’s brother. I think the deepening of our heart and soul and spirit is greater at this age than younger. Add to that, the family tree…as a matriarch our heart bears great weight and only Jesus can come and heal that sorrow. And…you know all this better than I do. No training camp for life other than real life!
Oh Becky, how hard that must have been and continues with your precious grand. To think in the flash of a moment how our world can change so drastically. And how quickly we go to blame….especially our selves. Blessings upon you as you navigate these waters with him…and with Jesus.
Dear Corinne, thank you so much for your reply. Yes, you are right! How quickly life changes and how swiftly we fall to our knees. A friend at my prayer group today talked of Job saying…how swiftly I accept your blessings…how than can I not accept the sorrows. And so this is life and I am keeping my eyes on Jesus. (and yes…Jesus does not send our sorrows. Some day every tear will be wiped away….)
As a kid growing up with rheumatoid I wonder what the grown ups around me felt. I know Blane was near. As the kid, it was way hard. But also I guess I was the one receiving the everyday grace. It’s hard to imagine being me without having been shaped in that crucible. I wonder…
Peace to your heart.
~Joanna
I would like to hear more…. I pray that Van’s heart grows in unusually good ways as he weathers all of the ups and downs. It seems like a good children’s book that you would have knowledge to know how to write. Do you know of any books that might be good for kids with conditions to read?
What if blame was swallowed up in love? What if all blame was absorbed and taken by the Beloved who never fails?
Oh, the comfort of the gospel!!!
And I am so sorry to hear about your grandson… may God’s healing and peace abound!!!
Thank you Ro. Thank you. Hugs and love I send to you….
Becky, thank you so much. I will be praying for your grandson Van and the rest of your family, especially your daughter and son-in-law. I am saddened to hear that you all going through this. It is powerless and terrifying to see your beloved child’s innocent body suffering in pain. Our daughter was born with a heart condition and I, too, have struggled with blame…”It must have been a toxin that I was exposed to when I was pregnant or something I ate?” Thank you for calling us to stand against evil’s plot for blame to keep us from taking our fear to the One, who took the blame on our behalf. Good good news for my heart today…
Dearest Rachel, dear one…this breaks my heart. I pray that your daughter is better. It pains me to hear your struggle with blame. It is from the pit of hell. Truly. Bless you and know I will stand with you and others because this blaming is not what Jesus would ever want us to do. Thank you for your reply. Hugs from me to you….
Becky, thank you for you tender care and kind words! Our daughter Charlotte is doing extremely well one year after open heart surgery. Most days we rest in the sheer goodness of God’s healing and trust that we have fought well for her, but I most certainly relate to the tendency to blame self or others when you are desperate for relief for your child or grandchild…pure anguish to see their little bodies in pain. My heart felt so moved by your piece and what your family is enduring. Thank you again for your strong proclamation against blame! Standing with your family and continuing to cry out for healing and answers on behalf of your dear Van.
While seeking some answers to some of my “why’s” I heard about the teaching/prayer ministry of Robert Henderson. He enlarges on God’s words in Scripture about the courts of heaven with the aim of getting us closer to operating as praying believers the way God intends us to. You might find it helpful, as I have. He’s on YouTube.