Head Full of Doubt, Road Full of Promise

Take a deep breath. It’s okay you don’t know anyone. This is bigger than you and the intimidation you are feeling. Walk in obedience, this is where you are meant to be.

I repeated this to myself as I watched people walking toward an unfamiliar church. I sat in my car for a while, scoping things out. What if I walk into the wrong room? Ten minutes before the meeting started I knew I couldn’t stall any longer. I walked into my first San Antonio Against Slavery meeting, nervous and anxious about a world I know so little about.

The day before I had a job interview within my current company. As my interviewer began to describe what the job would entail, I felt my heart sink a little. She then asked me the question, “How do you see this fitting in with your career goals?” There was a moment of panic within my head as I thought, OMG, it doesn’t.

While I am extremely blessed to work where I work, I am not as fulfilled as I know I could be. My fiancé knows this well and has encouraged me to branch out to pursue my passions. He believes in me, and what I would offer to the kind of ministry I want to be apart of. I hesitate because it feels like such a risk to step out in passion. I’m left sitting with my firm belief that certain fires in our heart are God-given and meant to be pursued.

Have you ever felt called to something that scares you?

I met with the one woman I knew would give me wise words of advice… my mother. She listened to my struggle between financial security and personal fulfillment and desire for my vocation to be work that brings light to darkness. My mother offered me her own story of opportunities she’s turned down because they just weren’t right for her at that time. She mentioned to me sometimes not all open doors are meant for us to walk through, and part of navigating that is listening to the Holy Spirit. She encouraged me in my decision to stay where I am and not be afraid to explore other opportunities. It felt so freeing to know I wouldn’t be crazy to make such a drastic change in career if that is where the Lord is leading me.

As I listened to the representative from the Rape Crisis Center during the SAAS meeting, I felt the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart and inviting me to dream about where I could fit in the fight against Human Trafficking and in the transformation of women’s ministry. She looked around at the group of 20 people and invited us to volunteer stating, “…if you are a great volunteer, don’t be surprised if I offer you a job.” OMG, did she really just say that?

I left refusing to believe I couldn’t make a difference. I walked away feeling like the Lord was offering me a new road full of promise.

The Avett Brothers have a song titled “Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise.” A portion of the lyrics:

There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light

In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right

And it comes in black and it comes in white

And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected

And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected

If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected

Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it

Like a bird in a cage I broke in

And demanded that somebody free it

And there was a kid with a head full of doubt

So I’ll scream ’til I die

And the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

 

Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it… What do you need God to free in yourself? I hope it makes you say “OMG” and dream until you see it.

 

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Anna Hull lives in San Antonio, TX. A graduate of Schreiner University with a B.A. in Religion & Political Science, Anna is passionate about finding Jesus in every day life. She enjoys unexpected adventure, making genuine connections with others, and finding beauty in chaos.

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