It was during my parents’ annual summer visit that it all became real. Students had already sold houses, quit jobs and had moved their spouses and children to Morrison, Colorado to begin a Masters in Counseling at Colorado Christian University. Just a few days before, Dan had been “dis-invited” to be a professor in the 1997 cohort. It was still surreal. It was the third time we had experienced job related upheaval.
In our home there was a flurry of activity with summer activities winding down and a new school year about to begin for all of us. We had just finished dinner when the phone rang alerting us to an impromptu gathering at the school for questions to be answered. My dad quickly put on his sport coat to go with me to the meeting. Dan obviously could not go, but I wanted to be there to be a presence that silently stood against any words spoken against my husband.
Before I grabbed my car keys I quietly said a “breath prayer” and tried to remain calm with our children, Dan and my mother staring at me. “Why don’t you clear the table and go outside for a game of kick the can with our neighbors.” My heart was pounding and my knees wobbling when the laundry room door closed and I got in the car with my dad.
I was currently enrolled in a Masters program and my main professor was the man who had fired my husband! To make it worse, his wife was also a professor of mine and classes were in full swing. How in the world was I to go to class in a few days with this horrific situation? Would I be able to finish the degree or would I need to look for a job? Would I have the forgiveness in my heart that I needed to sit in class with this couple teaching?
Too many unknowns can cause your mind to swirl. And swirling it was. There was nothing I could do but trust that Jesus would show us the way as he had done before in our marriage.
Our first experience with a job earthquake came when I was near to deliver our firstborn when we were living in Florida. The Elders and pastoral staff of our church met the second Monday of the month. Dan and the pastor had just finished playing tennis together and during a quick dinner before the meeting, a phone call from an elder came saying that the first agenda of the evening was: Firing Dan! He said that he was shocked with this news and assured us that this would not happen, especially, so close to the birth of our baby. Dan and I prayed swiftly together before he grabbed his keys to drive to the meeting.
A second time “dread came knocking” was when I was pregnant with Andrew. There was a scheduled faculty meeting while Dan was out of town. My friend called the next morning to inform me that a decision had been made to end the counseling program at Grace Theological Seminary because of theological issues raised by another professor. We had been here before. With a pit in my stomach I picked up the phone to call Dan and let him know what Melinda had told me! Life does go on.
When crisis hits us we have two choices: freak out or continue on with hope and Jesus alongside. Dan’s dis-invitation had just happened and we had only told my parents. There were still too many unknowns to begin the conversations with friends and neighbors. So many friends over the years have said how they long to work in fulltime ministry. I try and keep my mouth shut at those moments. Our lives are odd enough. Silence is a safer wisdom.
Weeks unfolded and the firing had breeched the contract and was illegal. Dan was given full salary and an offsite venue for teaching allowed for him and another faculty who resigned to take place. I remained in my Master’s program and was even allowed to keep my “spouse discount” through the university. My heart with my professors was sometimes not so great, but as things often go in Christian institutions, they too were fired when a new president was hired. It was odd to have my thesis appointment with the faculty wife as she said, “Can you believe how they have treated me and my husband?” “Yes”, I answered calmly, “Yes, I can.”
My husband hoped, along with other faculty members, to start a seminary that allowed for training in counseling. His desire to have pastors to be trained in understanding of the human heart and not just the scriptures had been a dream for many years. Most hours when Dan was not traveling or counseling or teaching he spent on the phone fundraising.
Our hours together were few. My days became long with a teaching job to help fund this dream seminary. I was a “week ahead” of my students at Colorado Institute of Art teaching four hour block classes of “Intro to Sociology”. Twice a week I had thirteen hour long days (or evenings) while finishing my Masters course work and writing a thesis. I also was selling our house “FSBO”. Dan was “on the road” more than ever. It was a time of great uncertainty. Our children learned to care for one another in new ways since we both were gone more than ever before. They learned to understand why their dad was on the phone during their tennis matches and soccer games. The fundraising, to this day, has never ended.
It takes great faith and hard work to launch a dream.
I wish that I could say that once we moved to Seattle that we were “home free” with a new school and new job. Our accrediting seminary that “hired” seven faculty had failed to inform their board! We lost funding, when a new president was hired at that institution. We lost health insurance and we lost friendships. We lost faculty. We went without paychecks. Twice Dan and I went to bed with knowledge that this “dream school” would be dead before we awakened. Miraculously it still lived through those two long nights.
But that is not the main miracle that remains. It is the fact that through thick, stinking, squalid darkness, we remained in love. Somehow we have known that nothing on this earth is bigger, better, more beautiful or compelling than love for each other. The greatest miracle love offers is the freedom not to let any idol, love, or distraction compete. Miracles are gifts. And wherever love continues to grow miracles bloom.
Becky Allender lives on Bainbridge Island with her loving, wild husband of 40 years. A mother and grandmother, she is quite fond of sunshine, yoga, Hawaiian quilting and creating 17th Century reproduction samplers. A community of praying women, loving Jesus, and the art of gratitude fill her life with goodness. She wonders what she got herself into with Red Tent Living! bs
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When crisis hits us we have two choices: freak out or continue on with hope and Jesus alongside. Yes! This reminder to continue on with hope and Jesus was exactly what my heart needed to hear this morning, as I have been too close to the edge of freak out mode, lately. Thank you for sharing more of your journey of faithful struggle and miraculous love. Blessings.
Julie, it is an amazing gift to share struggles and love. How I wished I had known that hard times were part of being human. I am so grateful I never saw Dan’s wrong doings as the “real” reason for jobs endings. Never. That was the greatest gift of all.
Becky, thank you for this beautiful reminder that love for another cannot be based on feeling or circumstance but must be fueled by a deep commitment to remain. You and Dan are an example of that commitment to each other and to a God who will not let us go. Your words bring life and hope. Love to you, Christine
Thank you Christine. I love to think that words in print might truly, as you wrote, “bring life and hope.” May that be the case more and more with all that I write and live to proclaim Jesus’ faithfulness.
The fierce love that God, our Father, has placed within you is magnificent, Becky. His strength, His purposes, His relentless faithfulness, His tenacity and your “yes” to Him are the things that shine out through your words. You can reflect His Love in a very special way. I’m blessed to be your friend
Thank you Annie. I love thinking that my words reflect Jesus’ love in a special way that translates to hope and trust in His faithfulness to others.
Oh my Becky, your willingness to articulate such betrayal and loss and confusion is stunning. My heart aches for you in the many places you have had to stay silent, and yet the quiet yet determined ways you found to stand against those who were causing destruction…so good. Most of all, I celebrate the goodness that your love for each other has not only endured through all this, but deepened…truly miraculous.
Dear Janet, oh my, you put it so well. It seems easy after all these years to articulate betrayal, loss and confusion. Time, love and His grace redeems all things…
Your story reveals God’s faithfulness despite the enemy’s schemes to steal faith, kill hope, and destroy love.
It also reveals the believer’s tumultuous journey through impossible situations as our Lord asks “Will you trust Me with this, too?”
I believe that in Heaven, Jesus will show you the multitude of people who were touched each step along the way, as I was, by your faithfulness to follow Him even though it meant being taken through rejection, betrayal, uncertainty, and impossible roadblocks.
It hurts when the rough edges get polished off His beloved “diamonds.”
Dear Marilyn, your final line brought tears to my eyes. Could it be that I am one of his “diamonds?” I love that image image and thought. I love that there might be an unseen dimension to what Jesus was doing then and now. You have caught my imagination with your vision and love. Thank you. May we all believe that our days in heaven will reveal so much more than our hearts can ponder.
Truly miraculous. So many losses with the pain deepened as it came in the context of ministry. I join you in celebrating the miracle of love that lasts. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably Becky, such a gift.
Thank you Tracy. Our lives are a menagerie of twists and turns. Hopefully, growing our inner hearts and being more and more with the ride….
Dear Becky, I’ve read and re-read this. Our lives are different and yet coincide the same in a number of places. Your writing often touches those places for me. They did again today. You have known the trauma of your man betrayed, discarded, misunderstood and dismissed. We share the pain of those experiences. Your writing touched me differently today and yet very importantly. Your comment “I try and keep my mouth shut at those moments. Our lives are odd enough. Silence is a safer wisdom.” stopped my reading. Your words held my heart accountable. Too often I have spoken words to others out of my painful memories that could easily discourage them from what God may be calling them to. You invite me to silence as a safer wisdom. I accept that invitation. Thanks my friend. Valerie
Dear Valerie, I was hoping to hear from you. Our lives are different with intersections of sorrow and joy that have wed us in love for one another even though we live far apart and only met once. I did not have the level of sorrow that a pastor and a pastor’s wife bear. Seriously…a pastor’s job is like none other and my instinct would say that it is even harder for his wife. And I confess to having said too much because of deep pain. I say back to you, I hear that same invitation as the tongue sometimes seems to have a mind of its own.
Loved reading this amazing story of perseverance, Becky! Thanks for taking the road of “hope with Jesus alongside you” during such a difficult time.
Thank you for taking the time to reply and calling my journey one of perseverance.
Hi Becky, Responding to you here is different for me as I know you as the flesh and blood Becky over coffee and laughter and, yes, shared prayers. We here in this place look with some awe at the work you and Dan have accomplished with your hands in the Great Hand of God. We do not see usually the cost of such work. Jesus told us that if they persecuted him they would surely persecute his disciples. Few of us have walked through this probably because too few of us are radical followers. Thank you for your faithful radical walk. We love you.
Carol Raney
Dearest Carol, I love every word you wrote. They validate and renew me with your seeing and speaking. Thank you. You are a woman of brilliance in living and in word and in deed. I always respect your thinking and this reply is like a waterfall of hope on my life. Love you….
Miraculous love indeed. So much trial and adversity…But God. Thank you for sharing your story again with such integrity and beauty.
You are so right, Bethany…..”But God.” Love makes all things possible.
Well this was fun! On the other side of hardship, Chris and I partook of the dream. It is no understatement to say our years at TSS and with Dan have shaped our present parenting, ministry, and writing! Thank you for your sacrifice to see this dream through! We love you guys!
Beth, it brings me joy to know that TSS and Dan’s teaching has shaped your parenting, ministry and writing! I have felt the Holy Spirit alive in his words and have loved (mostly) supporting his work and calling. You are so welcome for the sacrifice…it drew good things and great belief in trusting God every step of the way. Thank you, Beth, for your very kind words!
But that is not the main miracle that remains. It is the fact that through thick, stinking, squalid darkness, we remained in love. Somehow we have known that nothing on this earth is bigger, better, more beautiful or compelling than love for each other. The greatest miracle love offers is the freedom not to let any idol, love, or distraction compete. Miracles are gifts. And wherever love continues to grow miracles bloom.
Becky,
Thank you for your post. I am encouraged by your words and your steadfast trust in Jesus. Your words, “nothing I could do but trust that Jesus would show us the way as he had done before in our marriage”, tells a story and a history of Jesus coming through for you. Great example of His faithfulness and your trust in Him. I look forward to many years of standing together with John as we navigate our calling. Just today we were asking questions and searching for direction. Your post was a timely inspiration to me.
Jaimi