There is a sense of anticipation and hesitancy as I toss around the topic of “Sex”. It is not so much that I have nothing to write, because I do. It is more about keeping my heart tender toward my little girl who remembers and to the woman I have become. The years in between were filled with much fear, contempt and shame while the bookends have come together for the blessing that God intended “Sex” to be. It is those bookends that I want to share with you today.
As a little girl there were empty places in my heart that created so much anxiety and worry over my place in the family. Did my life matter? Where is my place of comfort and rest? It certainly was not in my father’s bed where his arousal only awakened mine. This awakening caused confusion in my childlike heart as I began to have orgasms in my sleep. I would wake up wondering, “What was that?” I felt alive and it felt good. As a child I had no words to describe this…consequently I did not talk about it. I just knew that I wanted “it” to happen again.
In reflecting back I realize that this was a place where I began to hide. The hiding became even more significant as I discovered masturbation for the first time. Mind you, I had no knowledge of the words “orgasm” or “masturbation.” No one spoke those words out loud and I was too young to read about them. I just know that both brought soothing and comfort to my emptiness and to my tender heart. I had discovered something that made me happy and gave me hope.
I wish I could have stayed in that safe place in my body and heart, but as I grew older I began to hear words in the context of “dirty”, “bad” and “naughty” that connected with what I had discovered. I was exposed to pictures that provoked a “sexiness” that was considered forbidden. My tender heart turned against my empty body so that what was once a source of comfort became a place of violence. Unfortunately I spent quite a few years in that violent place. As my eating disorder came into play I felt even more anger and contempt for who I was and how I behaved. The hiding and secrecy accelerated along with the violence.
It has taken many years to turn this around. The mindset and the images had become sealed. God continues to play a major part in this turn around through His word.
The realty is settling in that God created me to enjoy sexual pleasure and that sex is good…likewise so am I.
So I’ve come to the place where I am today. I am grateful for God, but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention some candid wisdom shared with me by an older woman. On the topic of orgasms I was advised to “take them any way I could get them.” Wow! How permission giving is that? Likewise, I was to “be responsible for my own orgasm.” Well, that certainly took the pressure off my husband and it freed me up. Oh, how I wish I had heard this sooner.
My little girl is still present in me. My heart towards her is kind. I want to continue to bless her for what she discovered. I want to bless her for surviving. I want to bless her body. I’ve discovered she and I are no longer hiding, and we have a lot in common for what is good today.
Mary Jane Hamilton has grown to love her sense of style and her peaceful lake living. Mother of 2 and grandmother of 6, she has a wonderful capacity to love and is still active as The Tooth Fairy. She is extremely fond of her dachshunds, who rarely venture from her lap, and enjoys biking with her husband of 44 years. She is rekindling her writing skills and finding it life giving.